hopeless

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Enough

Cornered. Hopeless. BPD has ruled and ruined any chance at life for me. My dad was an undiagnosed Borderline. I was his rage’s favorite target. My earliest memory is age 3 hiding in a closet as he rampaged so he wouldn’t find me. He did. My inheritance was an even worse case of BPD along with major depression and extreme anxiety.

I’ve been on every iteration of every psych drug since 1964. I’ve tried brain wave therapy, bio-feedback, DBT, CBT, two rounds of infusion Ketamine and TMS and I’ve been hospitalized. Nothing even dents this. The pain. The cycles of self harm. The suicidal ideation. The vibrating anxiety- racing heart - unable to catch my breath. The trembling. The psychic pain which leaves me curled under a blanket because light, sound, touch, it’s all too much.

My wife of almost 24 years has had enough. I don’t blame her. I’ve been unable to work for 23 years because of this disease and a buffet of physical illnesses. The entire burden of our finances sits with her. It’s so unfair. When we first married I was able to hold a job. That didn’t last. I’m terrified of her leaving - yet I can’t say I’d do different if our places were reversed.

My anger terrifies her, though the only person I’ve ever injured is me. My desperate crying when I dissolve into the world of my past abuse has exhausted her. She’s at her end and I don’t blame her having lived the other side because of my father.

Now I’ve been told I’m going both blind and deaf at the same time. Macular Degeneration and hearing nerve damage which hearing aids won’t help. I’m almost 70. I’m tired of fighting so many battles I’ve never had any chance to win.
#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Depression #Anxiety #ChronicIllness #hopeless #MentalHealth #SuicidalIdeation #ChronicPain #UlcerativeColitis #ChronicObstructivePulmonaryDisease #Blindness #Deafness #Abuse #PTSD

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Every Despondent Day

Today is one of those days. You know the kind. The kind where no matter what people say, look, do cheering up is just not happening. Short of someone telling me, I won the lottery. My total take home amount after taxes is 1 billion dollars, yeah, cheering up is not in the cards. I am not sure how many others are out there who have these days. These days you feel trapped. Since my divorce, I have no car, and no official income. I live with my retired parents and unemployed brother.(I am not sure why he doesn't even try to get a job but I am sure something is wrong with his spirit. He has mental issues of his own too. So, I try to cut him some slack.) I've been applying for menial jobs just to have some stream of income, with absolutely no success. Sure, I am halfway through a data analytics course. I have been working on this for 3 months. However, that brings in no income. On days like this I feel like I have climbed halfway up the depression hole, only to discover I am still at the bottom. All of the climbing you did yesterday was around the hole, not upwards. Also, by the way, the hole gets deeper every day. On days like this, my 100 square foot room feels like a glorified prison. I know I need to cry. I know I feel like this because I am exhausted and weary of the daily wear and tear life puts on us but there is no way to activate the catharsis because I officially have no one who "gets it". I have no one who gets me. I just want someone to give me a call, tell me, "Let's go have some fun. Don't worry I will pay." I want to get you out of the house. I want to get you away from the oppressive life you live with older Christian puritanical judgmental parents and family on watch, an annoying brother who will not get off the couch and bleeding clipped wings that long to escape this mind and body. Yeah, it's one of those days you have to wait it out.

#Depression #depressed #lonely #hopeless #MentalHealth #exhausted #weary #stuck #prison #catharsis #Isolation #Judgement #Escape #Needabreak #Fun #betterdays #Divorced #single #unemployed #noincome #livingwithparents #careerchange #financialstress#waitingforbetterdays

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#Depression #Anxiety #hopeless #

Feeling all kinds of feelings at the moment. Worthless, tired , I have no motivation, no energy, and the list goes on and on.

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I give up😒 #FeelingUsed #Heartbroken #wastedtime #betrayed #sad # Gutted #hopeless

So it finally just hit me like a tonne of bricks and has suck I’m that I will NEVER BE HIS PRIORITY!
His cars and every other cunt out there are his priorities. I’ve been by his side for 30 fucking years and I still can’t be said to be a priority.
He can plan a weekend away (and take annual leave) in the drop of a hat but can’t organise or get leave to take me on a fucking weekend away. NEVER EVER EVER🤬😭😭
I’ve just realised that it’s never gonna change so why the fuck I even here?! I don’t want my kids having a broken home. I love him so so fucking much!😭😭
WHY THE FUCK CANT I BE HIS PRIORITY!!!! God damn even just one time. We’ve been one time and only bc I PAID FOR IT ALL!!
He only agreed to come bc I told him I’d go without him. Basically he went out of obligation….not bc he wanted to be with me. Fuck I just want a few days; is that too much to fucking ask😩😭.
He’s left me behind all these years and goes and does whatever the fuck he wants but can’t commit to a few days away with me….ME the stupid cunt that’s had his back and loved, cared and looked after him for all these years. Now the kids are grown id always thought that this was when I’d get MY TIME with HIM!
I’ve literally waited all these years believing that when the kids were grown I’d finally have my time with him. Well it turns out I’m just a dumb cunt bc I’ve been waiting for absolutely nothing. Nothing at all.
I literally can’t put into words how sad this has made me and honestly if it’s not gonna happen now then I need to have a serious think about a lot of things. I’m so fucking hurt I feel destroyed and hopeless.
I’m fucking heartbroken

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No feelings left

12 years of marriage, 5years of relationship in total have known this person for whole of 17 years. And myself for 33 years now. And i feel I don't know muself. I'm so broken and hurt he's made me so lonely. And so torn inside. No trust no love. All compromises. And. Hoplessness. I feel so disgusted of myself. I have 3 beautiful kids last one is a 50days old baby. She was unplanned angel. Came into our life maybe for a reason. U have started to realise who's true and who's not after being mother for 3 rd time realising who's faking love 😣 I'm so hurt inside I have no one to express my feelings with. . So so lonely and depressed sometimes just wana end this life or run of somewhere where no one knows anything of me. 😭 then I think of my little ones ns pause and turn back around to this life full off depression and pain. 😢😢😢😢😢#helplesss #hopeless #lonely #Depression #Anxiety

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#Sorry I have been away a few days. Here is my new #Furbaby !!!!

I felt it was best to refrain from posting these past few days. I was very #sad , #confused , & #hopeless due to my heartwrenching experience at the shelter I went about a week ago. I was even #Feeling like there might very well be a #Curse on me & my life. I pretty much believed that any & every thing I might & would do or try to do, was destined to be #tradgedy & cause me more #Heartache . To put it honestly, day to day was kinda "touch-and-go" moreso than ever. Recently, it came to a head, and I honestly felt that i had no idea if I'd be around to see the next day. But today, I brought home a new #Cat . He was the best cat there at PSPCA. (Pennsylvania SPCA. ) health-wise, age-wise, & he is calm with a #wonderful temperament. He is asleep on the couch with me right now. I like it at cold temps, but I not want him to get sick. He doesn't (yet) seem to feel ok about having a blanket over him, for warmth, but then again, he is just getting to know & has to have a bit of time to learn he can #Trust me. Anyways, I am keeping my leg against him for him to have my body warmth. I am SO pleased the way the day turned out. Had some very rough spots there, but it ended up not getting the best of the situation#. I have my baby! His name is what I consider extremely anti - #Christian . I don't even like to say or write it. I have been calling him "Baby" when I talk to or call for him. Still, I'm taking my time about giving him his permanent official name !!!

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Broken Heart only unconditional Love can heal. Dog is God in reverse.

This past June 2022 I lost my most loyal best friend who was with me, encouraging and lifting me each day to do better and be better.
She was the most perfectly imperfect dog, with special needs herself due to trauma and we made it through 13yrs and 2months. She jogged with me up to two days before losing the ability to hold herself up sitting and having seizures hourly.
I have treatment resistant Major depression GAD social anxiety ADD and not in the best environment for recovery and growth.

SHE was all I needed. She loved me unconditionally even when I could not bare to get out of bed.
I began TMS treatment in 2020 and have had 3 treatments 36 sessions each.
I must have tried every medicine available over a decade and on absurd amounts bc nothing helped.

The TMS allowed me to lower one of my highest main antidepressants by half which was a miracle.
My Angelpup was my reason to keep going. I wanted to give her the best I could give and coming home after treatment seeing kissing loving her was all I needed to get through the day.

I have now been without a dog since June 2022 and I’m barely holding on. I wake up and my Heart feels painfully empty.
I reside with family for the last decade and they were not interested in educating themselves on mental health to understand me.

My only Mercy over these tormented years was my pup.
My environment contributes negatively to my mental health but I cannot escape it.

I was let go from 2 different jobs after two years with each of them bc I couldn’t keep up when my emotions were running the show.
I am a HSP (highly sensitive person) check out the documentary on Amazon prime video on The Untold story of HSP. Gives incredible insight.

People I reside with see nothing wrong with my physical appearance or suggest disability or struggle, therefore they believe I’m riding the gravy train, being lazy and intentionally unproductively sad all the time.

Now that I’m alone (no dog, no husband, no children, no career, no gift or talent skill that could help me support myself).
I am truly alone.

These family landlords decided dogs would no longer be allowed. (Bc they want me so uncomfortable that I leave to go anywhere that won’t reflect shame on the family.)

My pup was the only certainty of love unconditionally in my life without judgement.
I don’t know if visiting the SPCA is enough anymore bc I cannot keep or connect bond with dogs I can not take home.
I have no income bc mental health has sabotaged any attempts I made to work.
I’m barely hanging on now. I wake up and have no Heart to put into improving my life bc without a partner- specifically a dog.
I am so alone and my Heartbeat was meant to be in sync with another heartbeat.
She got me out of bed exercise martial arts walking yoga etc but without her by my side I haven’t been doing selfcare.
I try to be invisible bc those without understanding of mental health conditions are always negative and feels like being beat down.

Dogs are our direct connection to God’s unconditional love on earth and without that bond I am lost and disappearing.

How do I break out of this circumstance to be able to bond with a dog for inspiration and courage when the home owners will not allow another dog bc they want me to leave and will not make any accommodations that I need for my mental health?
I’ve never been so alone feeling unloved and unwanted in my life.
I’ve been searching for work, gone on interviews, enlisted the help of the MHA mental health association and see a wonderful therapist that without her and my dog I would not be alive today.
I need an emotional support pet ESP and have hit a dead end of options.
Does anyone know of any legit remote work to refer?
Does anyone know where to get a dog for low or no cost to adopt or foster?
I just need a canine to have a Glimmer of Hope to keep going.
I’m also looking for “my people” or “my tribe”. I Hope the Mighty can be my tribe/people.

Does anyone have any suggestions, words or ideas for encouragement that can help me manage my health conditions with no support and most vitally get a dog?

Are there programs of any kind for job training placement, placement of an ESP and anyone with depression living their best life what advice would you give?

#Depression #MajorDepressiveDisorder #EmotionalSupportAnimal #Empowerment #GettingHelp #EmotionalSupportDog #TherapyDog #dog #Anxiety #hopeless #MentalHealth #MentalHealthDays #Loneliness #help #HowTo #MajorDepression #SituationalDepression

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Three Chronic Woes #chronicallyill #ChronicIllness #overwhelmed #Neuroendocrinecancer #ME myalgic encephalitis #EhlersDanlosSyndrome

How do you cope when it is ALL coming at you at once? I was once a very independent, successful, super type A, corporate America gal who was so capable. Three chronic illnesses later I am exhausted, always battling brain fog, and my past coping mechanisms no longer work. Very quickly my life has spiraled out of control & I am feeling in such utter chaos that I don’t know how to right the ship. #hopeless #needhelp

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Need a miracle #CPTSD #Abuse #hopeless

Needing to vent . Words of support appreciated!

After surviving 31+ years of abuse, a coma, years of homelessness, and being hit by a car, I finally got my own apartment and what I thought was a fresh start. But I was in a car accident a few months later and my apartment ended up having black mold in walls and floors, which made me severely ill. Ended lease since landlord wouldn’t do anything, right before losing my income.

I have nothing yet again and am back in an abusive home. I can’t endure it any longer and my only shot at ever being safe is a job in another state that I’m struggling to find housing for. I’m terrified I won’t find an apartment in the timeframe my new employer is requesting and end up on the streets again.

I’m at my wit’s end as I simply can’t keep fighting to survive anymore. I’m exhausted, hopeless and feel like I’ve worked so hard for nothing (and actually be worse off). “Help” available is a joke and I have nowhere else to turn. I just want to catch a break and be allowed to have a life.

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When nothing brings satisfaction #hopeless #sad #whatsmypurpose ?

When you get up everyday despite the depression and anxiousness. Even though u slept horribly the night before. When you work extremely hard everyday and u know your blessed because there are many who suffer to a degree that won’t or can’t work (and trust I’ve been there at some point). When you have done everything possible but yet nothing and I mean nothing brings satisfaction to your everyday life. Nothing makes me happy anymore or even makes me feel alive. Grateful to have ways to make money and be independent but knowing that I have no passion or purpose leaves me to question why am I here? Do I have a purpose? Am I living just to one day die? I mean we all are technically speaking but I’m not necessarily making the most out of my life. Not because I can’t or I won’t but simply because I’ve worked so hard, strived for greatness despite my mental health and now I’m burnt out depleted and lacking the will to care. Will I give up?’ No my son needs me but am I happy no. Shopping use to be my thing but that doesn’t help anymore. I’m numb. Leaving me wondering all this for what exactly…,, #deathhastobeeasy #Lifeishard

54 comments