From a creepy old man I was starting to trust sending me inappropriate messages to an appeal hearing to the risk of losing an income to a disagreement with a friend to a visit from a cop with bad news to a huge trigger of past trauma to extreme loneliness. I am extremely dysregulated and having trouble pulling it together. A stone’s throw away from dark thoughts I don’t want to have. Holding onto hope that the new job will remedy most of this.
But also constantly feeling on the verge of a breakdown because it feels like the bad never stops and that it’s always been this way and always will be this way.
Therapists refuse to work with me so I can’t get help. It’s hard to get the anxiety pills that help me so I undertake them to save them for the really rough times or important events.
Im starting to feel the cracks. I’m starting to wonder if I’m hitting the breaking point in my life where my mental health goes to the point that it’s disabling. I almost want it to so I can just stop trying to do what everyone else does.
I am just so very exhausted.
#PTSD #OCD #hopeless