Idontwannadothisanymore

Sorry for this long rant. I had a craft show this weekend. I only do 2 a year. I crochet all kinds of things. I had a second major back surgery in April. Friday setting up my booth went ok , only 2 panic attacks. My chronic back and leg pain was tolerable. Yesterday, I did well to about 11:30, but the pain kept climbing. I went into another area of the building and played on the floor to get some relief. My TENS was on and my service dog was doing his job to help me with the physical pain. I got up and walked around some then my pain level soared to the point i passed out. I was the furthest corner away from my booth and my husband. Ugh 😱 I am so embarrassed. I had to go home and the show was still going on for 2 hours. Ice, pain meds, pillows in all the supportive places, service dog still doing his job. Got up this morning and yep, too much pain to go. I am .blessed with a husband that went to the show today, will pack up my product and the display equipment. I feel like such a failure. 😕 I am usually so good at masking my pain in public and this time NO I passed out from the pain. No way to hide that. I was so embarrassed from yesterday and not returning again today. Even though craft show vendors are like a family, I feel like I failed. They were so kind to help watch my booth, get me off the floor and assist my husband to get me to my car. So today, the pain is still up, the black cloud of depression is engulfing me. i am crying between the pain and woke from a nap in a panic attack. have no idea how long this episode will last. . #ChronicPain #Embarrassment #failure #Idontwannadothisanymore

**This was my dream last night? I need answers help I'm losing my mind **

Who are you?
   I don't know.

What's your name?
     You already know.
What's your name?
     You already know.
What's your name?
     Catherine.
That's better. Now we can start.
     Start what?
You'll see.

Who do you love?
     Everyone.
Why?
     I can't help it. I care about everyone.

Why do you care what happens to everyone else?
     Because if I can't save myself, I might as well save someone else

What do you see in yourself?
     Nothing. Nothing good.
Why?
     Because I'm a fucking monster.
Then why don't other people see that?
     I . . . I don't know.
So why are you a monster?
     Because I am.
Your not a monster. Your just . . .
     Just what?
Just a failure.
     . . . Thanks so much.
You said it yourself before.
     True.
So why do you think that?
     Because I keep so many secrets from people.
Like what?
     I can't tell you.
Why not?
     Cause then it wouldn't be a secret would it?
Tell me.
     Ugh fine. I JUUL, I 'm not all better, I'm scared people will get through the        wall I put up, I miss X and Peep, I'm bisexual, I still cut, I tried to kill                 myself last spring, I . . . I don't wanna talk about this anymore.

Why do you keep secrets?
      Cause I'm scared.
Of?
     Everything.
     Can we talk about something else?
Of course.
 
      Actually I don't wanna talk anymore.
I'll be back tomorrow night.

      Wait . . . before you go, who are you?
Oh my dear . . . I think you already know the answer to that one.

     Tell me.
Look in the mirror.
     That's not me, I don't look like that!
But didn't you say you were a monster?
     Fix it!
Do you know who I am now?
     No . . .

I am your worst fear.
     Which is?
Your mind.