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Forgetful Frannie 😕😔 #ADHD #Forgetful #failure

Been a real s****y day. Husband's dad lost his 9 year battle with cancer today. What do I do? Forget to fold the laundry that I was suppose to start yesterday but didn't because *shocker* I forgot. Husband disappointed in me and now I feel like a complete failure.

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° " I Feel Like Something Is Very Worng With Me... I Can't Seem To Want Or Try To Talk Or Hangout With People... " ° #failure

° " So Lastnight I Texted My Sister... Out Of The Blue I Told Her That I Missed Her... And Her Response Was To Me... Very Negative... She Was Like Are You Ok?? ARE YOU DRUNK TEXTING ME... Um Wth I Said No That I'm Sober Thank You! This Is Why I Really Can't Communicate With Anyone Anymore... They Litterly Make Me Feel Like I Don't Matter Or Exist's... It's A Huge Struggle For Me To Stay Close With Any Of My Sibling's... And Then I Told Her That I Was Just Trying To Call Just To Say Hello... That's It.. And Then They Wonder Why I Distance Myself From All Of Them... " ° #saddness #Intrusive Thought's #Depression ○▪︎●▪︎●○ S.K. •▪︎○▪︎●○

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Feeling bad about my life today

Feeling exhausted with the struggle today - seems not matter how hard I fight I get no where and it’s tearing me apart.

I am an academic person . But the long lasting effects of child abuse the impact is so long reaching, the neglect of never having had a person support me through school and decision making for my future. The issue of the ptsd flashbacks that happened when my abuser tried to hunt me down in my undergrad. The way that left me. I hate it. I hate how far behind I am in life and I am filled with this toxic venomous seething rage . I am so angry. I want to destroy things I want to cry I want to starve myself I want to scream. It isn’t fair. The world isn’t fair. But they fucked up my future and I have been struggling and fighting for so long. So long. So long. To try and get somewhere trying to fix things to save money to develop a life. And I’m still broke, I’m still not working in anything meaningful and I am tired. My soul is tired. I never got any support because I could still put myself through school (at 85lbs fasting for weeks, having flashbacks and cutting) I still worked and so if you can mask your pain enough not to be a problem to society then it’s acceptable to just let you suffer. I have so much rage and I feel so powerless. #rant #Vent #realisationofimpact #failure #ChildAbuse

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Really going through alot mentally and physically.

Been tested two months ago for autoimmune disease. And live in Florida. I like it some but hate the fact that I have to wait to see the doctor due to visitors and snowbirds in area occupying the appointments. I have to wait til June to see the doctor. Two months ago I started having an extreme sensitivity to the sun burns my face it hurts, also redness on my cheeks really bad. And when I don't cover my face I get really irritated even my arms get spots of like a red rash. And it only takes a few mins it hurts badly. And then when I am home after being outside I hurt all over and am miserable. Or extremely nauseous and disgusted ready to vomit easily. Whatever #AutoimmuneDisease this is it is killing me. I hurt all over and feel zapped can barely do much. Only work the schedule I have. I wanna cry and feel like #failure . #PCOS #Hypothyroidism #stomachpain #sunsensitivity #Flares

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Competitive Sport

By no means am I blaming football for my mental health problems. I have fond memories of playing sport and being part of a team/organisation. I was gifted with the ball and excelled on the pitch.

It was my father who ruined my experience. It was not enough for my father to simply appreciate that his son was capable of running, jumping and kicking a ball. He brought along a competitive spirit that was not only embarrassing but toxic.

I was skillful but I was not a naturally gifted athlete with any attributes that made me excel far beyond my years. I was playing in the year above and starting in the team but again this was not enough for my father who expected me to excel in the squad. I lacked in stature and athletic ability (speed mostly) and this would eventually lead to difficulties towards the end of my playing days.

If I ever get around to having kids, I will think long and hard before enrolling them in to a competitive sport / environment. The problem with competitive sport is it breeds a mindset based on results. The schooling system is also guilty of this. I would like this post to focus on the issue of sports although I also experienced major issues at school.

There is an argument for competitive sport but my overall consensus is it did me more harm than good. The need to be the best always critiquing how I played, never being satisfied and the game forever playing on my mind. For something that gave me very little it is very taxing on the psyche.

My team disbanded and I was forced to join a new team in a more difficult league for which I was not prepared. The game was no longer fun and became serious business with everyone trying to make it to the senior squad where money was involved.

It was a combination of life getting in the way of my dream of becoming a footballer and my own poor life choices. It takes a very strong willed individual to ignore the lights, girls & music and focus solely on the game. You need to be wiling to sacrifice for the sport. When I gave up on football, I started to experience identity issues as I felt the game made me who I was.

My dad only wanted the best for me, so when I started to act out and started to steal it was a shock to him and he didn't know how to handle my behaviour.

It wasn't until I stopped playing football and realised that the game had left me feeling empty and took a lot away from me. It also left me with a competitive streak that I sought to satisfy elsewhere. I felt deep sadness that my own stupid decisions had ruined my dream of becoming a footballer.

In my later years I have trouble agreeing to be part of a team, group or association. Football is not the sole reason for this but adds to my mental problems associated with gang mentality. It also brings out an us against them mentality which I don't want anything to do with. Keeping to myself has brought on its own challenges and I fight with negative emotions most of the time as I come to terms with who I am.

#self #Myself #Individual #Fear #solely #Responsible #scared #groups #people #Smoking #Drugs #Addiction #Drinking #gangs #ME #Sport #cutthroat #toxicmasculinity #goingout #lights #Music #Addiction #Depression #isolated #nobody #bymyself #Girls #Identity #competition #NotGoodEnough #best #First #winning #Success #failure #defeat #bottom #Fights #Life #Death #alone

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Self Preservation

I have been in a significant decline over the past two or three years. I am constantly depressed and suffer from anxiety. I also have a limited support network and don't have anyone to confide in. I lost all my friends in such a short space of time; looking back on my life it is very difficult to imagine losing everything in less than two years. I was left with nothing but the support of my parents which I am very grateful for.

I had just turned 20 years old and had my whole life in front me. At that young age, I felt like I had already lived a lifetime. It is very difficult to come to terms with what happened and no matter how much I try to forget I am reminded of my past. I feel as though that short period of my life will haunt me forever and I am always chasing my tail trying to make up for it.

This is an exhausting process and leaves me feeling inadequate and empty. I have never really understood why I was so angry with the world. The only way I can describe how I was feeling at the time was trying to climb out of a bottomless pit and only slipping deeper and deeper until I could no longer see the hole I came in through. I also sought external gratification through any means available.

When I finally hit rock bottom and decided I needed to make a change, it was too late. Nobody was there to greet me or offer me a hand like I had expected. Everybody in my life had abandoned me and I was left to pick up the pieces and reflect on the self inflicted trail of destruction which had turned my life upside down. This period of my life was the most difficult but sub-consciously I told myself it would get better.

I re-assured myself that things could only get better. Things did improve but only ever so slightly. I would never be the optimistic confident and popular kid I once was. Instead I was a broken version of myself both internally and externally. My life was shattered and I was left to pick up the pieces.

One regret that I have was not trying to re-connect with old friends, my ego got in the way of putting my self out there as my reputation was tarnished beyond repair. My old friends no longer wanted to associate with me. I think this is what I struggle with the most not being able to let people in due to my fear of getting hurt.

I have always been a sensitive person and my emotions get the better of me. In my early thirties I seek connection and community with others although I feel there is a piece of me missing and I am forever trying to find it to make myself whole again. I still struggle to connect with people on a personal level as I have reservations and fears from my youth. #PTSD #Anxiety #Depression #Sadness #Guilt #TheMighty #MightyTogether #Shame #failure #redemption #Fear #clarity #Love #peace #Friends #relationship #Lettinggo #reuniting

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I don't know what to do

My two favorite goats died this week.
Earlier this week my goat Truffles died, and last night, her mom Love Dove Chocolate died.
They had foamy bloat, although I did not know it until Dove was gone. The rest of the herd has been treated.
I'm hoping it will help.
But my heart hurts. My chest feels so heavy, and it is hard to force myself to breathe
My depression is overwhelming me, weather is too cold to breathe outside with my asthma. I feel like a failure. I feel like I am cursed. I am a bad mom, I am a bad animal mom, everything I touch turns to ash. I am fighting the dark but it won't go away.
#Grief #Depression #failure

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The year is ending…and all signs are here

As the year draws close…we have festivities. In India the Hindus celebrate the festival of lights -Deepavali. It is the most important festival for us - lights, lamps, candles, sweets, gatherings, togetherness. The sound of crackers, its flare and luminous fury that lights up the night skies…of people visiting friends & kins…exchanging hugs & greetings. Like any other festival which too are defined by such sounds, lights and sights. Not very different from Christmas or new year. Last many years these have been occasions when my grief, loss and loneliness gets so painfully amplified. These are occasions I dread and I better be dead. There is nothing to celebrate but more to despair and nurse my bereavement…and there have been so many 😢
#lonelinessoffestivities #Loneliness #Grief #Loss #seperationgrief #Shame #failure



I've come to accept that the best part of my life was from about age 12-17. From then on its been nothing but #failure , #Anxiety , #Depression , #SuicidalThoughts , #Bipolar2Disorder and finally a #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder diagnosis. Somehow I found the perfect woman to love me unconditionally, but we had a son together and I've come to realize I never should have had a kid. I love him more than anything, but he's just like me and I have to watch him go through all of this, which is so much worse than going through it myself. I don't know what to do because he refuses any kind of help, just like I used to. I'm in a living hell...

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