improving

All this year of 8th grade I was anxious, depressed, and suicidal. Recently however I had my graduation and have decided that I think it’s time for me to begin something new. Since December to my graduation, I was talking to my school social worker who has helped me a lot while my mom is in the process of finding a psychiatrist for me. Since November I was in love with someone who told me he didn’t feel the same way. I respected that but towards the end of the school year, he started dating Olivia. Olivia is someone who played with my feelings all school year and this guy was my best friend. He seen what she does and how she messed with me. I was utterly heartbroken. My family has always been big on our religion especially my dad. He always told me to follow the commandments and everything. Well it made it feel like it was wrong for me to feel that way towards him anymore because it was like coveting my neighbors partner. I was also jealous of Olivia for a long time. I never once seen her with a pimple. She had such perfect skin, and she had such a nice body too. She’s way more developed than I was. On top of that she had a much better relationship with him than anything and I knew he liked her. There was just something that I knew and I knew this would happen. Olivia was messaging me on Snapchat and everything but after a careful and thoughtful conversation with my mom, I blocked her and Amarantha (another person who was a best friend and then backstabbed me, they both did) from Snapchat. I also was trying to think of other people to try to get my mind off the boy I loved. I always wanted to see him happy and now he was even if it hurt. I had to try to get my mind off things. On Snapchat I posted about everything that happened that school year. About me being suicidal and depressed and everything about Olivia and Amarantha and what they did to me. Olivia also wanted to talk to me so I had to unblock her and talked to her. When I was through (I was very calm and collected) she was silent and was sitting in the chat saying nothing, typing nothing. I told her I wished her and him the best and her to have good luck in high school. But I blocked her again and I’m never unblocking her again. Since I blocked her, there’s been a breath of relief. I found another guy that I like, his name is Joaquin. Recently I confessed to Joaquin that I really like him. He said that he’s not really looking for a relationship right now cause he’s trying to improve himself a lot before he find the one he wants to be with. But he said that whenever he’s ready he’d let me know and he said that he also doesn’t want me to wait for him to ruin my chances with another guy. The only problem though is that when I like someone it’s usually just them for a long time. Either way I was so happy he said he’d give me a chance. I haven’t been this happy since before 7th grade. Things have finally been looking up after I thought it’d never get better. Olivia is still dating the other guy but me and him are still best friends. I’m worried she may hurt him because she was targeting me to make me jealous since she seems to be a “mean girl” type. But it seems that things will be fine. I’ll wait for Joaquin too whenever he’s ready and I’ve decided that going into high school is going to be a really good fresh start. My main message here is that don’t lose hope. I’m still struggling. But don’t give up in your life. I was saved by my two best friends from a suicide attempt. But I had to hold on. Now things have been better. I was able to play Tears of the Kingdom and get it for my friend and I was able to see my brother go into 5th grade. I started summer cross country for my high school and have a band meeting tomorrow. But look. I know I’ve probably babbled a lot now about everything but just hold on. Because it’s so worth it. #Depression #Reflection #improving