Reflection

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    Happy February!

    Here are your monthly writing reflection prompts. Feel free to share your responses in the comments 💕

    #February #writingprompt #journalprompt #Reflection

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    Throwback reflection

    There are times when what has been becomes suddenly much more real then usual.
    Not as a flashback - they're definitely different - but more like a realization that what's in my memories, in my patterns, in my body and mind has really happened, some time ago in my life.

    What surprises me the most is:
    I'm not fine, even though I'm better than in previous months and years, but, the hell, compared to before it's like I'm in Heaven.

    It doesn't bring me the positivity and mood switch I might expect, it weights the same, most of the times, but it surely helps me redimensioning the whole picture.
    I'm grateful, overall, for one thing: now, when I have my crisis, they're still bad and, sometimes, worse than other times years ago, BUT they're crisis: they happen from time to time. (I'm not talking about being on low mood; to me, before, it was much more than that: tentacles slipping out of my head trying to choke me and smash anything inside and around me).
    I can feel my mind clean, and, yup, I'm now crying, all of a sudden.

    I'd never wanna go back to before.

    A week ago I was writing a post I've never shared and, when recalling the bad effects the thing I was talking about had on me, I realized the list was very very long and very very painful and messy.
    What makes it often difficult for me to comprehend my patterns and problems is that I tend to hide them, and then forget about them, over the years.

    Thing is, there has been terror.
    I don't wanna include the details, because I'm aware that for someone they could be not nice.

    I shared this picture (search for Riftress on Pinterest, if you're interest - I really like these works) because it is one of the pics I saved back then.
    Something have sucked up my own self from my life and I think it was the exhaustion from that period.

    Crying helps me too.
    If now I'm crying, it means it really has been hard.
    Since I tend to hide and minimize, since people shared their issues with me and rarely listened to me, always ignored the signals I was pointing out and since things for me often changed - environmentally speaking - I tend to forget.
    To me, now, it feels like I'm based on a void past.
    It doesn't mean I'd wanna linger on it: just that in order to understand why I am the way I am today I need to recall.

    Times like this one, though, makes me wanna go back that before and erase everything. Why it had to be so damageful.
    Again, though, I tend to hide: none really witnessed in person any free expression of my mental state, so, then, it feel more righteous to minimize it. This confuses me.

    Though I think it's not fair to compair: the same trauma can have different outcomes on different people; that's why I think crying is helpful -> it spots out the fact that what I'm feeling and thinking about - recalling - has really been a hardship for me.

    But it seems impossible that all the dark lump has really left. Did it?
    Instead of feeling and expressing itself in dark and full of --- ways*, my mind's just flat. That's the new pattern, I guess.
    I've been backfired.
    * I don't really feel at ease sharing details, again, but I don't know how to express it.

    I still have issues to work on, sometimes - often - I just can take my mind anymore, I often have no energy to live my life, but sure it changed. Time heals.
    And I've understood myself and other people better, in the meanwhile, which has been another fundamental turning point.
    And I can't express how grateful I am whenever I get to become more aware then before. I love understanding.
    So - I still can change and for the better.
    There's and I have hope in it.

    #Reflection #throwback #Trauma #Crisis #time #Understanding #past #Memory #Pain #cry #Life #mind #pattern #backfired #Healing #Awareness #HealingProcess #exhaustion #Monster #illness #MentalHealth #growing #growth #Present #Hope #change #Grief #Energy

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    Self Imposed Prison - Trapped in my own mind

    When my world came crashing down, I was forced to find my way in the world. Every bad decision I made altered the course of my life. I was stuck in a rut as my father described it. Unfortunately for me; it was much worse than that.

    The rut was one thing and the need to pull myself out of it was ever present. Sadly the rut was only the beginning of a life-time of negative emotions and regret. I wish I could have experienced the trauma and continued with a positive attitude and I did attempt to forget about the people who hurt me. No matter how hard I tried to forget and move on I was stuck reliving the trauma over and over again.

    Angry, sadness and revenge continuously played on my mind. As time has passed I just wanted some closure from the incident as it is forever haunting me. Even an apology would make me feel a little better instead I am stuck in self-loathing and misery while the people who hurt me continue on as though nothing happened.

    While everyone my age was having a good time and enjoying their youth, I would spend each weekend isolating in my room. Weekends trying to forget what happened to me with the help of marijuana. I was my own worst enemy, imprisoned and desperate for a solution. Just like everything else in my life - I was looking for an easy fix. An easy fix which I am still looking for to this day

    I have come to realise that trauma will be ever present in my life. It has become a part of me whether I like it or not. The victim mindset has plagued me for years and I need to make a change. I need to let go of the negativity and anger once and for all.

    #Recovery #PTSD #Depression #selfmedicate #Sadness #Pain #hurt #suffering #Addiction #Hatred #Jealousy #anger #despair #gloom #Doom #Love #Support #TheMighty #MightyTogether #Friendship #Family #people #places #things #control #Emotion #sad #feelingbetter #Slowly #Survivor #illness #struggle #adversity #Sabotage #selfawareness #Reflection

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    Healing Through Words — Poem Exercise #Journaling #Writing #Selflove #Reflection #rupikaur

    Hi Mighty Ami(e)s!

    I am a fan of journaling and am currently working through Rupi Kaur’s Healing Through Words List Poem Exercise. I would love to share this exercise with you & hopefully we can have some loving , supportive moments along the way ❤️. You can find the exercise prompt directly from Kaur’s book below:

    A list poem is a poem written in the format of a list. It’s an inventory of people, places, things, or thoughts. The list can be written however you’d like: jot notes, long lines, bullet points, or numbered. A well-written list poem tells you a story through the items it lists.

    1. You can use any of the following topics below or create your own:
    - Grief
    - Anxiety
    - Failure
    - Shame
    - Pain
    - Self - doubt
    - Hope
    - Losing
    - Trying
    - Friendship
    - Love is
    - Love isn’t

    2. Set a timer for 10-15 minutes (the poem can be as long as you’d like, the key is free writing)

    Looking forward to reading and learning more about you & your brave souls ❤️.

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    Letting Go

    The best choice of letting something go I've made was my previous two workplaces. They taught me invaluable life lessons, but it was time to go after a year or a year and a half, and I am thankful I did. If I had stayed, I would have missed out on the current wonderful opportunities I have. #thankful #Opportunity #Reflection #encouragement

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    Lost a friend I adored #PTSD #artheals #Reflection #apoligized #trees #wrongwords #avm #congenital #calm

    I lost a friend.Not by death.He said to walk.Ive traumatized him because of my own cptsd.Im in treatment and therapy.This person picked me up at my lowest.Called almost daily for weeks.Two years later with multiple diagnosis.But for months now, hurled insult after insult at me.When questioned why?He explodes.Then I rationalize and stay friends.I spent two years confiding,venting,crying,laughing and encouraging him for years prior.We had an appreciation for eachother at one point.I showed him my most vulnerable truths.I never imagined,at my age, someone would say the things he has said.He defends how much he cares for me but won't take accountability for making believe I had support from him.He stopped asking about my life or health.Minimum contact other than txt.I stopped asking about future plans as friends.He Let me know how wonderful the other women in his life were.After saying he's too busy for me.On three occasions,he tried being spontaneous to meet up.I called him on it.Said yes.Where are you! He would Immediately change plans.fit me into a two or three weeks routine.Rushed over a coffee and hour of his life.Telling me over and over how he has no time.His stressors and triggers on full display because I trigger him he say.it took almost a year to see his masks drop.The past year was embarrassing to watch.Munipulation is very transparent to a person whos lived it from childhood on.to a fault.Even with candor and grace,people do not like to admit it.I ask and value the truth at all times from people in my life.I have had to learn everyone lies to a degree.Including myself.I feel and see the motive and intent.it is sad to watch someone blatantly try to set you up,deny,backtrack,
    project and blame.I'm no longer putting that expectation on those closest to me.I know so much more than I show.my silence before was for others protection.I have to look out for myself first and only.I have my son and my spouse.A friendship.A loyalty.love of my life.We still have our stories and how it started.A journey.We didn't go out of our way to hurt eachother meanness.We protected eachother.Pick the other up when needed.We made a home.A safe home for everyone.We might be passively aggressive at times.We still have a fight for eachother.Once ego falls.We laugh.And can laugh at eachothers lives.We lived it together.He would never say those things out of anger.my enemies would never say those things.
    Instead of expressing how he felt and why.it is over.I realized he didn't want the friendship and had been trying fir a long time to get me to end it.I kept hoping I had a real friend, like me.I am sensitive not weak.I have endured too much despair in a short time.I wont be screamed at.I wont be belittled or disrespected with name-calling or insults of my family.The arragance,to deny ones owns faults to a friend, sets the other to question All intent.What is an apology if its not real.Its a lie.it shows intent to hurt the other again and again.There is no win.no one is spared in his rage towards me.

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    Reflection #PMDD #menopause #Reflection #MentalHealth #LifeLessons

    Its been almost a year since I banished her out of my life.
    I cast her out like she was discarded rubbish. I often wonder if she deserved that.

    Was it really that bad? Was she really that bad?

    I miss her. I miss the comfort she bought. I miss her presence. The way she made me feel so in tune with my body. How she intensified every emotion I felt.
    I dont want her back. She was destructive. She broke my soul with her venomous words, her twisted dreams & poisonous thoughts. I was broken when she was near.
    But, I loved her. I needed her. I still need her. Without her I am not whole. Now she is gone a part of me feels lost, trapped in a bleak void forever falling further and further away from me.
    The world seems scary without her. I'm not sure who I am or where I belong. Life is less colourful & more stagnant somehow.
    I want to reach out to her, feel the bitter sting of her impact on my life once more.
    I want to know that she is ok.

    But, I know that she is ok. For she is my PMDD alter ego. I am her and she is me.

    #PMDD #PremenstrualDysphoricDisorder #hormonesensitivity #MenstrationMatters #WomensHealth #mentalhealthmatters #menopause #PMDDthoughts #MentalHealth

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    A drop of water in a stream is never the exact same drop, in the exact same place, more than once.

    #Photo #Nature #Zen #Meditation #Mindfulness #Reflection #Justbe

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    Talk About It Tuesday: 2021 Year End Reflections

    In less than four days we will enter the New Year. Today, let's take a look back at this year and reflect. Pick three words that best describe this year for you and explain why.

    #Diabetes #DiabetesType1 #DiabetesType2 #prediabetes #ChronicIllness #AutoimmuneDisease #MentalHealth #Reflection #CheckInWithMe #MightyTogether #NewYear

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    #Reflection

    Todays post is called reflection. Growing up with Cerebral Palsy I always tried to reflect on the positive things about it instead of the negative things about it.As I sit down at my desk writing this I'm reflecting on all the things that I've accomplished over the years and I gotta say that its a lot to be proud of. I never thought that I would ever get to a point in my life where I can actually say that I'm getting back to my old self again and let me tell you it feels so good. I'm looking so forward to the holiday and just being with friends and family. Final. thought always reflect on the positive.

    #CerebralPalsy

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