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I think it’s time for a new start

All this year of 8th grade I was anxious, depressed, and suicidal. Recently however I had my graduation and have decided that I think it’s time for me to begin something new. Since December to my graduation, I was talking to my school social worker who has helped me a lot while my mom is in the process of finding a psychiatrist for me. Since November I was in love with someone who told me he didn’t feel the same way. I respected that but towards the end of the school year, he started dating Olivia. Olivia is someone who played with my feelings all school year and this guy was my best friend. He seen what she does and how she messed with me. I was utterly heartbroken. My family has always been big on our religion especially my dad. He always told me to follow the commandments and everything. Well it made it feel like it was wrong for me to feel that way towards him anymore because it was like coveting my neighbors partner. I was also jealous of Olivia for a long time. I never once seen her with a pimple. She had such perfect skin, and she had such a nice body too. She’s way more developed than I was. On top of that she had a much better relationship with him than anything and I knew he liked her. There was just something that I knew and I knew this would happen. Olivia was messaging me on Snapchat and everything but after a careful and thoughtful conversation with my mom, I blocked her and Amarantha (another person who was a best friend and then backstabbed me, they both did) from Snapchat. I also was trying to think of other people to try to get my mind off the boy I loved. I always wanted to see him happy and now he was even if it hurt. I had to try to get my mind off things. On Snapchat I posted about everything that happened that school year. About me being suicidal and depressed and everything about Olivia and Amarantha and what they did to me. Olivia also wanted to talk to me so I had to unblock her and talked to her. When I was through (I was very calm and collected) she was silent and was sitting in the chat saying nothing, typing nothing. I told her I wished her and him the best and her to have good luck in high school. But I blocked her again and I’m never unblocking her again. Since I blocked her, there’s been a breath of relief. I found another guy that I like, his name is Joaquin. Recently I confessed to Joaquin that I really like him. He said that he’s not really looking for a relationship right now cause he’s trying to improve himself a lot before he find the one he wants to be with. But he said that whenever he’s ready he’d let me know and he said that he also doesn’t want me to wait for him to ruin my chances with another guy. The only problem though is that when I like someone it’s usually just them for a long time. Either way I was so happy he said he’d give me a chance. I haven’t been this happy since before 7th grade. Things have finally been looking up after I thought it’d never get better. Olivia is still dating the other guy but me and him are still best friends. I’m worried she may hurt him because she was targeting me to make me jealous since she seems to be a “mean girl” type. But it seems that things will be fine. I’ll wait for Joaquin too whenever he’s ready and I’ve decided that going into high school is going to be a really good fresh start. My main message here is that don’t lose hope. I’m still struggling. But don’t give up in your life. I was saved by my two best friends from a suicide attempt. But I had to hold on. Now things have been better. I was able to play Tears of the Kingdom and get it for my friend and I was able to see my brother go into 5th grade. I started summer cross country for my high school and have a band meeting tomorrow. But look. I know I’ve probably babbled a lot now about everything but just hold on. Because it’s so worth it. #Depression #Reflection #improving

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Happy February!

Here are your monthly writing reflection prompts. Feel free to share your responses in the comments 💕

#February #writingprompt #journalprompt #Reflection

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Throwback reflection

There are times when what has been becomes suddenly much more real then usual.
Not as a flashback - they're definitely different - but more like a realization that what's in my memories, in my patterns, in my body and mind has really happened, some time ago in my life.

What surprises me the most is:
I'm not fine, even though I'm better than in previous months and years, but, the hell, compared to before it's like I'm in Heaven.

It doesn't bring me the positivity and mood switch I might expect, it weights the same, most of the times, but it surely helps me redimensioning the whole picture.
I'm grateful, overall, for one thing: now, when I have my crisis, they're still bad and, sometimes, worse than other times years ago, BUT they're crisis: they happen from time to time. (I'm not talking about being on low mood; to me, before, it was much more than that: tentacles slipping out of my head trying to choke me and smash anything inside and around me).
I can feel my mind clean, and, yup, I'm now crying, all of a sudden.

I'd never wanna go back to before.

A week ago I was writing a post I've never shared and, when recalling the bad effects the thing I was talking about had on me, I realized the list was very very long and very very painful and messy.
What makes it often difficult for me to comprehend my patterns and problems is that I tend to hide them, and then forget about them, over the years.

Thing is, there has been terror.
I don't wanna include the details, because I'm aware that for someone they could be not nice.

I shared this picture (search for Riftress on Pinterest, if you're interest - I really like these works) because it is one of the pics I saved back then.
Something have sucked up my own self from my life and I think it was the exhaustion from that period.

Crying helps me too.
If now I'm crying, it means it really has been hard.
Since I tend to hide and minimize, since people shared their issues with me and rarely listened to me, always ignored the signals I was pointing out and since things for me often changed - environmentally speaking - I tend to forget.
To me, now, it feels like I'm based on a void past.
It doesn't mean I'd wanna linger on it: just that in order to understand why I am the way I am today I need to recall.

Times like this one, though, makes me wanna go back that before and erase everything. Why it had to be so damageful.
Again, though, I tend to hide: none really witnessed in person any free expression of my mental state, so, then, it feel more righteous to minimize it. This confuses me.

Though I think it's not fair to compair: the same trauma can have different outcomes on different people; that's why I think crying is helpful -> it spots out the fact that what I'm feeling and thinking about - recalling - has really been a hardship for me.

But it seems impossible that all the dark lump has really left. Did it?
Instead of feeling and expressing itself in dark and full of --- ways*, my mind's just flat. That's the new pattern, I guess.
I've been backfired.
* I don't really feel at ease sharing details, again, but I don't know how to express it.

I still have issues to work on, sometimes - often - I just can take my mind anymore, I often have no energy to live my life, but sure it changed. Time heals.
And I've understood myself and other people better, in the meanwhile, which has been another fundamental turning point.
And I can't express how grateful I am whenever I get to become more aware then before. I love understanding.
So - I still can change and for the better.
There's and I have hope in it.

#Reflection #throwback #Trauma #Crisis #time #Understanding #past #Memory #Pain #cry #Life #mind #pattern #backfired #Healing #Awareness #HealingProcess #exhaustion #Monster #illness #MentalHealth #growing #growth #Present #Hope #change #Grief #Energy

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Self Imposed Prison - Trapped in my own mind

When my world came crashing down, I was forced to find my way in the world. Every bad decision I made altered the course of my life. I was stuck in a rut as my father described it. Unfortunately for me; it was much worse than that.

The rut was one thing and the need to pull myself out of it was ever present. Sadly the rut was only the beginning of a life-time of negative emotions and regret. I wish I could have experienced the trauma and continued with a positive attitude and I did attempt to forget about the people who hurt me. No matter how hard I tried to forget and move on I was stuck reliving the trauma over and over again.

Angry, sadness and revenge continuously played on my mind. As time has passed I just wanted some closure from the incident as it is forever haunting me. Even an apology would make me feel a little better instead I am stuck in self-loathing and misery while the people who hurt me continue on as though nothing happened.

While everyone my age was having a good time and enjoying their youth, I would spend each weekend isolating in my room. Weekends trying to forget what happened to me with the help of marijuana. I was my own worst enemy, imprisoned and desperate for a solution. Just like everything else in my life - I was looking for an easy fix. An easy fix which I am still looking for to this day

I have come to realise that trauma will be ever present in my life. It has become a part of me whether I like it or not. The victim mindset has plagued me for years and I need to make a change. I need to let go of the negativity and anger once and for all.

#Recovery #PTSD #Depression #selfmedicate #Sadness #Pain #hurt #suffering #Addiction #Hatred #Jealousy #anger #despair #gloom #Doom #Love #Support #TheMighty #MightyTogether #Friendship #Family #people #places #things #control #Emotion #sad #feelingbetter #Slowly #Survivor #illness #struggle #adversity #Sabotage #selfawareness #Reflection

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Healing Through Words — Poem Exercise #Journaling #Writing #Selflove #Reflection #rupikaur

Hi Mighty Ami(e)s!

I am a fan of journaling and am currently working through Rupi Kaur’s Healing Through Words List Poem Exercise. I would love to share this exercise with you & hopefully we can have some loving , supportive moments along the way ❤️. You can find the exercise prompt directly from Kaur’s book below:

A list poem is a poem written in the format of a list. It’s an inventory of people, places, things, or thoughts. The list can be written however you’d like: jot notes, long lines, bullet points, or numbered. A well-written list poem tells you a story through the items it lists.

1. You can use any of the following topics below or create your own:
- Grief
- Anxiety
- Failure
- Shame
- Pain
- Self - doubt
- Hope
- Losing
- Trying
- Friendship
- Love is
- Love isn’t

2. Set a timer for 10-15 minutes (the poem can be as long as you’d like, the key is free writing)

Looking forward to reading and learning more about you & your brave souls ❤️.

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Letting Go

The best choice of letting something go I've made was my previous two workplaces. They taught me invaluable life lessons, but it was time to go after a year or a year and a half, and I am thankful I did. If I had stayed, I would have missed out on the current wonderful opportunities I have. #thankful #Opportunity #Reflection #encouragement

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Lost a friend I adored #PTSD #artheals #Reflection #apoligized #trees #wrongwords #avm #congenital #calm

I lost a friend.Not by death.He said to walk.Ive traumatized him because of my own cptsd.Im in treatment and therapy.This person picked me up at my lowest.Called almost daily for weeks.Two years later with multiple diagnosis.But for months now, hurled insult after insult at me.When questioned why?He explodes.Then I rationalize and stay friends.I spent two years confiding,venting,crying,laughing and encouraging him for years prior.We had an appreciation for eachother at one point.I showed him my most vulnerable truths.I never imagined,at my age, someone would say the things he has said.He defends how much he cares for me but won't take accountability for making believe I had support from him.He stopped asking about my life or health.Minimum contact other than txt.I stopped asking about future plans as friends.He Let me know how wonderful the other women in his life were.After saying he's too busy for me.On three occasions,he tried being spontaneous to meet up.I called him on it.Said yes.Where are you! He would Immediately change me into a two or three weeks routine.Rushed over a coffee and hour of his life.Telling me over and over how he has no time.His stressors and triggers on full display because I trigger him he took almost a year to see his masks drop.The past year was embarrassing to watch.Munipulation is very transparent to a person whos lived it from childhood a fault.Even with candor and grace,people do not like to admit it.I ask and value the truth at all times from people in my life.I have had to learn everyone lies to a degree.Including myself.I feel and see the motive and is sad to watch someone blatantly try to set you up,deny,backtrack,
project and blame.I'm no longer putting that expectation on those closest to me.I know so much more than I silence before was for others protection.I have to look out for myself first and only.I have my son and my spouse.A friendship.A of my life.We still have our stories and how it started.A journey.We didn't go out of our way to hurt eachother meanness.We protected eachother.Pick the other up when needed.We made a home.A safe home for everyone.We might be passively aggressive at times.We still have a fight for eachother.Once ego falls.We laugh.And can laugh at eachothers lives.We lived it together.He would never say those things out of enemies would never say those things.
Instead of expressing how he felt and is over.I realized he didn't want the friendship and had been trying fir a long time to get me to end it.I kept hoping I had a real friend, like me.I am sensitive not weak.I have endured too much despair in a short time.I wont be screamed at.I wont be belittled or disrespected with name-calling or insults of my family.The arragance,to deny ones owns faults to a friend, sets the other to question All intent.What is an apology if its not real.Its a shows intent to hurt the other again and again.There is no one is spared in his rage towards me.

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Reflection #PMDD #menopause #Reflection #MentalHealth #LifeLessons

Its been almost a year since I banished her out of my life.
I cast her out like she was discarded rubbish. I often wonder if she deserved that.

Was it really that bad? Was she really that bad?

I miss her. I miss the comfort she bought. I miss her presence. The way she made me feel so in tune with my body. How she intensified every emotion I felt.
I dont want her back. She was destructive. She broke my soul with her venomous words, her twisted dreams & poisonous thoughts. I was broken when she was near.
But, I loved her. I needed her. I still need her. Without her I am not whole. Now she is gone a part of me feels lost, trapped in a bleak void forever falling further and further away from me.
The world seems scary without her. I'm not sure who I am or where I belong. Life is less colourful & more stagnant somehow.
I want to reach out to her, feel the bitter sting of her impact on my life once more.
I want to know that she is ok.

But, I know that she is ok. For she is my PMDD alter ego. I am her and she is me.

#PMDD #PremenstrualDysphoricDisorder #hormonesensitivity #MenstrationMatters #WomensHealth #mentalhealthmatters #menopause #PMDDthoughts #MentalHealth