todays progress: spent 4 hours going through crap in the garage. it was hard to purge and let things go that i had all the good intentions in the world to use or build upon or accomplish goals and aspirations. life has changed drastically since those good intentions were conceived. I'm hoping someday, I'll be able to revisit those aspirations but at this point in life, the anxiety of trying to store or save them for a future point is more than i want in my life. theres still more to purge but today was enough i guess. #Letting go #BipolarDepression
my day was ok. the garage purge caused feelings of anxiety to be dealt with. i didn't eat. all i did was chain smoke and drink coffee. the very things that bring us comfort also cause us harm in large doses. took xanax to keep it in check. being at home with my son is lonely during the day. thankfully, he is very bright and creative. he draws and plays with lego's all day. i am
too much for myself to handle sometimes. its a full time
job keeping symptoms and triggers in check. having the roles reversed in my home is difficult for me to accept but it is what it is. we prayed together this evening, asking God to provide the right job for me and for him to strengthen us in this very emotional and trying season of our lives. I have an interview this Thursday, we prayed in advance for peace and clarity of mind to do well in the interview. #GodInTheMidstOfSuffering
my wife is weary and emotional today. She's beginning to understand why i came home all these years and didn't have much left to give after the demands of work all day. i feel guilty that part of this is due to the stress of my unemployment. She is also just saddened to see her husband feel like he has no purpose. She saw me work and move up in the corporate world over the past 12 years and now, I'm applying and cold calling for jobs and doing interviews. We had a financial plan all these years that once she started working, we'd really be accelerating in life. Now that plan has changed. We are both struggling to accept this. I struggle to do what she does effortlessly at home(laundry, meals, being a wonderful mom ) because i've been so 2 dimensional (work and bills) its not that i cant do laundry or make meals but its not as pressing when you feel like a loser.
anyways...if anyone has any encouragement...im all ears. thanks for reading.