I was listening to a podcast a few days ago and suddenly had the realization that the host had an expectation of a long and happy life and welcomed that and wanted that. And that led me to contrasting it with my own thinking.

I don't think I've ever looked forward to living a long life. I remember as a teenager having the very strong impression that I would die young. Now, when I think about my future, it just feels like this never ending inexorable time that I just have to get through somehow.

Listening to that podcast was unsettling because it reminded me that some people want to keep living. And that it has become so normal for me to just wait for things to end since it isn't an accepted option to end things myself. And that probably shouldn't be normal. But I don't know how to change it and I don't know that I necessarily want to change it.

Life already feels too long and I don't want it to get any longer.

#longlife #Depression #Anxiety #Trauma #SuicidalThoughts #normal