normal

So often I hear survivors struggle with how they have changed since they experienced trauma #normal #Survivor Normal

You will never know how it feels to be me
Just breathing everyday feels like darkness is all I see
I’ve never felt normal with those around me
I just can’t help but to wish they would all accept me
Why can’t you understand my mental illness controls me
Stop saying I need to be happy like everyone should be
I wish I was absent sometimes so I can stop explaining myself
But leaving will make everyone think I gave up on life itself

❤️I love you and I’m proud of you❤️ #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #ButYouDontLookSick #Depression #Community #normal #empty #Empathy

My MRI results came back as normal & ENT have discharged me.

I’m not quite sure what to do. Does this mean I have to deal with migraines for the rest of my life now? My hearing randomly going? The pain and mental attacks from the increases during colds etc?

I know, I should be grateful that it’s normal. But I’m just feeling lost and frustrated. There’s no plan now other than just having to deal with it.

#Sinus #ent #MRI #symptoms #ChronicPain #ChronicMigraines #Hearing #MentalHealth #Feelinglost #normal #WhatNow

Today I’m trying to take ahold of what I can control in my life. Even though I struggle with severe #Depression and #Anxiety I try and do what I can to make my life as #normal as possible. Some days aren’t always so bad and I can function okay and pretty normally despite having #suicidal thoughts. Other times I have to remind myself it’s the little #victories are a huge win. Doing a load of laundry. Splashing my face with cold water and putting on deodorant and some perfume as just getting ready for the day. I’m just trying to take it one step at a time.

I was in some pretty bad and abusive relationships. #Drug use, #Alcohol , #DomesticViolence . My last relationship I stayed with him for so long because I felt like I was damaged goods. He gave me #herpes and I felt like my life was over. I was no longer able to be “normal”, date normally ever again. I was as good as rotten fruit, even though I only had 3 boyfriends my whole life and never had any one night stands. So I stayed, even through the manipulation, the lies, the constant verbal, emotional, and physical abuse that I was receiving daily. Why did I deserve better? Why would anyone, think anything of me besides just being damaged and just bad baggage? I didn’t deserve it, hell I was such a disappointment to myself let alone I’m sure being a disappointment to my family. I was so exhausted, so depressed, so I stayed and ignored the very obvious red flags. He even had a previous domestic charge on him from a prior relationship. He even told me in such a rage later on that he did punch her when he swore up and down he didn’t. He would constantly yell at me on my lunch breaks that I was cheating on him with my coworkers. One time when I didn’t text him back within two minutes, I was the bad guy. Getting called every name in the book, because I deserved it. He would constantly kick me, choke me, punch me in the face, spit on me, throw water on me, pull my hair, grab me so I wasn’t able to leave. Grab my phone and keys so I couldn’t call or leave on my own free will. He used to do MMA for 10+ years. One time he kicked me in my leg so hard I couldn’t walk normally for a week. He’s broken my ankle, causing me to be in crutches. Chocked me so hard the blood vessels in my eye burst. I always had bruises on my body. Yet I stayed. I wanted to die.

I never told anyone anything until I got into therapy just a few months ago. It wasn’t until my ex screamed at me for hours about how he was going to kill me, bash my head into various objects. I finally grabbed the valuables I had, my dog, and I left when he was at work.

So now I’m in a safe place, away from him. I cut off all communication. Deleted his photos and am donating or throwing out anything we shared together. However I’m stuck with these feelings of #Guilt , #Shame and #anger . I wish I wasn’t scarred from all this but I am. I wish I could date again normally but idk that’s going to take a lot of time. I want to tell him nasty things he told me to get back at him. I’m upset at myself for not leaving when I so should have. I’m trying to deal with these emotions and trauma. So anyways I’m just sitting here folding my laundry and cleaning out my closet because so far that’s what I have control over. I’m still incredibly suicidal because I feel like I can’t be normal or date normally so the future is scary. I feel better finally and I’m glad I left. I’m just now trying to get out of this flight of fight stage, trying to better myself and maybe someday in the future someone will understand. Until then I have my loving mom my dog and my lizard. Onto my next load of laundry.
#relationship

I was listening to a podcast a few days ago and suddenly had the realization that the host had an expectation of a long and happy life and welcomed that and wanted that. And that led me to contrasting it with my own thinking.

I don't think I've ever looked forward to living a long life. I remember as a teenager having the very strong impression that I would die young. Now, when I think about my future, it just feels like this never ending inexorable time that I just have to get through somehow.

Listening to that podcast was unsettling because it reminded me that some people want to keep living. And that it has become so normal for me to just wait for things to end since it isn't an accepted option to end things myself. And that probably shouldn't be normal. But I don't know how to change it and I don't know that I necessarily want to change it.

Life already feels too long and I don't want it to get any longer.

#longlife #Depression #Anxiety #Trauma #SuicidalThoughts #normal

I don't know what to do. Not sure anyone will even see this. I'm not suicidal but I am #exhausted . I want to be #normal . I want to function without constant #Pain and #Depression . Hate waiting for a #ManicEpisode just to get stuff done.