loniliness

sorry for the long post.

I've been looking a lot into mental health since January (when I was dating a bipolar girl). I slowly discovered the world of BPD and "self-diaghosed" myself. It was scary, but at the same time so many things in my life made sense.

Due to my interaction with her I got really extreme mood swings. I reached a point where I could barely work at all.

I decided to start seeing a therapist (at the very least to get a better understanding). After 5 sessions (covid hasn't helped) I asked what he thinks about my self-diaghosis and his comment was that I'm leaning way more on NPD. (The bipolar girl also called me a narcissist once).

My therapist kept repeating that I have to learn how to let go. He is very right and a book he suggested (the inside out revolution ) helped. Thing is I enjoy taking things apart and understanding them. Not sure if it gives me a false sense of security, but it is the reason I grew up a science person and studied engineering.

I've been doing a lot of research ever since and even though I can see NPD traits in me, whenever I compare the two diagnoses, I don't relate to NPD (maaaybe covert NPD). I don't wanna step on people, I don't want to use them, though I feel like I've done this in the past.

Loneliness and boredom dominate my life apart from a few moments per week when I can get properly distracted. I've met so many people in my life but I feel like I don't know any of them and very few care about me at all, hence why they leave me sooner or later.

Not sure why I'm posting this. I guess attention, a bunch of thoughts I've been keeping inside, another person's opinion who won't judge me.

#BPDvsNPD #confusedaboutlife #loniliness