Loneliness

I know it's a bad thing to bottle up your feelings, but I've been doing that my whole life. Initially, it was out of fear, but later on I did so because I didn't think anyone cared. I tend to minimize my problems a lot- and I know I'm not the only one. Most days, I can live with things, but sometimes I feel like I'm a complete outsider. Sometimes I don't miss certain connections, the next it all hits me. I'm not the only one who feels cheated out of a loving father or a good friend. It jus comes out at the worst times. Some will say that "it's better to have loved than lost", but to be honest in certain situations it feels like it's better to have lost than loved. I know I'm too much for people at times, maybe that's why I find myself on the outside. I'm always willing to make efforts for people who only want what they can get out of me. It explains why I feel like I may be one of those people who were meant to be alone. #MentalHealth #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Loneliness

Hi, so glad to find this group! I have been a single parent most of my kid's lives. I was very active and they were my whole world after the divorce. I also worked and went to college. I tried dating and almost remarried and now I feel guilty and deeply sad about the time wasted during their childhood.

Fast-forward and I have multiple chronic diseases along with cPTSD, major depressive disorder, and social anxiety. After the breakup, which resulted from my health being a deal breaker, we moved into a two bedroom apartment near all the amenities my kids need to be happy. I, however feel very sad and lonely.

My teen daughters don't want to have family time. I try really hard and it usually ends with them arguing with their 11 year old brother and each stomping off to their rooms. I sleep in the converted dining room. The table is in the living space. I lived this way most of their lives, without personal space or a door. It is what I can afford and I am thankful. I'm used to the open space plan. I just feel like I'm always available, and yet the kids really dont need me anymore. In fact the girls don't come out but to eat something or go to their activities.

I feel like my value lies in keeping the bills paid and the fridge stocked and coordinating all the appointments and activities. My health requires me to use my time and energy very carefully.

As I've gotten sicker and realized I'm not going to get better and my kids will leave home, I feel such grief and loss. Like empty nest has come early..does that make any sense? I'm proud of them and want them to fly, but I hurt because I can't keep up now. This wasn't supposed to happen.

I know these little tiffs and teens needing space is pretty normal. I am not transitioning very well. I was supposed to have graduated college, and keep busy working my career. That was the plan to defeat the loneliness and get me through. I have pretty severe memory loss and damage.

Then when I met my ex fiance and dated for a long time, he knew my health and later after I gave up everything to move into our house he changed his mind and just snapped. We lost nearly everything to start over but it was better than the unexpected violence from him. So I had thought I was supposed to be married and work. Not so.

All I have left is all I really wanted...my kids. And I don't feel like the best mom anymore. There is so much I wanted to give and cant. And what I have is all I can give and they are more interested in their own lives.

Soon they will be gone and I don't know how to prepare myself or make the most of the time I have when I have so many limitations. They are so smart and often I am disappointed because they take advantage of my slowness or memory.
I still have to discipline by allowing them to experience consequences.

When I get down about all this it sets off my depression and really spikes the suicidal ideation I struggle with at times. I used to be able to combat it by saying my kids need me or want me..it's getting harder to believe that.

Im hanging on for dear life to the simple things like, they need me to keep the roof over their head and groceries. They need me to drive when I am able. They need a planner and coordinator. And I think I'm terrified of being abandoned when I'm no longer useful. Because it's happened so many times in my life.

INDEED YES INSIDE THAT DARK ROOM AGAIN DAM I MUST DO BETTER THAN I'M DOING!
INDEED SO MUCH HAPPEN TO ME NEVER WHY YES NEVER WHY!
INDEED HOW I LET THIS GET ME BACK TO THAT HELL
PLACE THAT DARK ROOM THE LONELINESS JUST MAKE IT STOP !
INDEED NO WAY THIS IS HAPPENING TO ME AGAIN GOD
I KNOW AND UNDERSTAND THIS IS MY LIFE NOW!
INDEED THAT DAM SCHIZOPHRENIC GOT ME UP AND HEARING MAD VOICES MAD PAIN THAT GO WITH THIS
PROBLEM I INDEED HAVE!
INDEED THANK YOU FOR THIS PLATFORM IS DESIGN JUST FOR US FOR ME FOR ALL!
INDEED NO BAD VOICES THANK GOD FOR THAT IT'S JUST I'M STILL BEATING MYSELF UP ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED TO ME TO MY MOTHER SERGEANT C H DE-LAIN PASSING AWAY FROM THE CANCER THAT MADE ME FEEL BAD INSIDE TO WITHNES THE PAIN SHE WAS SUFFERING FROM CANCER TO WITNESS WHAT CANCER CAN DO TO YOUR OWN MOTHER SERGEANT C.H DE-LAIN SUFFERING FROM THE CANCER THAT MADE ME FEEL BAD INSIDE TO WITHNES THE PAIN SHE WAS SUFFERING FROM CANCER!
INDEED THE WOODS HEAR ME SCREEN OUT MOM DO NAME, SO I INDEED KNOW AND UNDERSTAND THIS IS MY LIFE NOW AND FOREVER GRATEFUL FOR THIS BEAUTIFUL PLATFORM CALLED THE MIGHTY COMMUNITY!
INDEED MAD TEARS TO CRY MAD PAIN TO TAKE AND MAD PRAYERS TO MAKE!
INDEED THE LIGHT CAN'T SAVE THE PAIN I GOT MYSELF IN!
INDEED MY FRIEND'S UP HERE THANKS OK I WILL BE GOOD OK NOW PEACE AND LOVE INDEED 1

Some days are better than others but I live alone miles and miles away from home because its the only place were I’ve ever found a decent paying job. But the loneliness the waiting to sleep all day wake up go to the bathroom and go back to bed I can’t even eat so I’ll be 2 days no food whatsoever and its nothat I don’t want to i feel Like I physically can’t and its to overwhelming.

I thought about the connection between my childhood and now. I can remember things I don't want to think about. Sometimes when it is quiet and the wind is blowing I feel the loneliness I felt as a young girl. I never felt I fit in, my family was not there for me and the kids at school reminded me I didn't have a father. His name was Darren, he loved to be mean to me. I remember another boy, Steven,## wrote a story about our school being bombed, but lucky that I ate all of them ( I was pudgy in 4th/5th grade). He said sorry later that day, but well it didn't help. The quiet on the playground after school was haunting and I do not know why. I was afraid to walk to the other end alone. I was always afraid. I was afraid to walk anywhere alone. I would hide when cars came close to me. I was always on high alert, waiting for something bad to happen. My parents divorced when I was 6 months old. My mother was a narcissistic raging women. She scared me and I was also afraid to leave her side. She was seldom there for me, she went out all the time in the evening leaving my sister and I alone. I would look outside the window in a daze of terror. I always felt the same as an animal under the spell of headlights, terrified and frozen. This is how my childhood began. Something happened that I have pushed out of my head. This was the beginning of years in various foster homes, about 8 to be exact. I have never felt safe. I try to tell myself I am but I still sometimes feel like that animal looking into headlights...I know it is over my childhood and I think I know I am safe. but I have to tell myself that all the time...Thanks for listening..

Hi, my name is GraceMS. I'm here because I've lived with MS for 35 years. I've lived alone on a farm in a rural area for the past 10 years. Because I have very little energy after 3:00 p.m. (on good days), I'm finding myself dealing with loneliness in the evenings and with people without M.S. who "just don't get it". Perhaps this connection will be helpful.

#MightyTogether #MultipleSclerosis

Tonight as I struggle with loneliness and the crushing weight of this C-PTSD that none of us asked for. I am reminding myself that I need to give myself a break. I thought maybe someone else could use this thought. You aren’t alone. We are not not a result of our thoughts. Though we will always view things through our PTSD colored glasses, we are enough, we are strong, we have survived!

I'm wondering if ANYONE out there has chronic reoccurring EBSTEIN BARR VIRUS. I would love to chat with someone who I can relate to, and truly understands what this illness does. I got mononucleosis 30 years ago while working in a hospital, and the virus has never gotten out of my body. When I get a "FLARE -UP", I get all the same " symptoms I had when I had mononucleosis. I can't do anything, can't go anywhere. I have seen both doctors practicing western medicine( every specialist there is) as well as functional and holistic doctors. I lost both friends and family due to the illness, as I can't pick up and go anytime, and I have to cancel plans last minute because I woke up with a horrible flare up. I'm a very outgoing person, and it's difficult to stay at home a lot. The ISOLATION and lack of empathy, causes situational depression due to the loneliness I feel. I journal, read positive spiritual books, and try to get outside on the days I feel well. I hear of folks w long term Covid virus, and I'm thinking this may be similar to my long term chronic EBV. For me, there is no medication or no cure. What helps me us getting 8 hours sleep each night, eating healthy, sitting outside and getting the Sunshine vitamin D, and I am also trying intermittent fasting. If anyone out there has chronic Ebstein Barr virus, or even chronic long haul Covid-19 virus, I would love to hear from you! I have yet to be able to talk to just 1 person who has chronic EBV. Feeling isolated and alone. Thanks for taking the time to read my FIRST TIME POST😊
#ChronicIllness

Especially since after 40 hr work week and doing household chores it's hard to even fathom going out and meeting people .