Loneliness

So we haven’t talked since Friday. I got slightly drunk Friday night. I’d had an anxiety attack at work after the going away luncheon that I saw him at. He didn’t talk to me, didn’t look at me. Just nothing. So I ended up having a few drinks at home, and made the mistake of texting him, telling him how upset I was over this whole situation, how I’d had an anxiety attack after lunch, how I missed him, etc.
He responded a half hour later, pretty much saying that he didn’t know what to say, that he was sorry I was feeling like, that he does like me, and he knows he’s got a lot going on and that he’d be ok with reaching out once things fall more into place for him, that he hasn’t been able to give me enough right now, but he’ll be more available once things slow down.
I was very disappointed by that response. So I left him on read and went to bed.
The next morning I regretted texting him, and then I was even more stupid and texted him saying I was sorry for sending that. He didn’t respond and I haven’t talk to him or heard from him since.

Then yesterday, I start not feeling great at work, and about an hour after I get home, I have a massive anxiety attack that last five hours. I broke down and called a friend, told her what was going on, and she drove a half hour to come keep me company. I’ve never asked anyone for help like that. But all I could think was that I wished it’d been him here. How fucked up is that?

I’m almost 26 now. It’s Mother’s Day today, and I never know how to feel on this “holiday.” My grandma died today, which only adds to the confusion I never fail to feel. I am a complete outcast in my family—not because I want to be or choose to be, but because they will never understand me. Not because they couldn’t try to, but because they don’t want to.

I have this hate inside me for every single one of them. It’s the most confusing feeling in the world. I want them to love me and see me, but they just don’t want to. Even when they say they do, it’s all pretend. They tell me I’m not alone, but I am.

When I lost Nana, I lost the one person who loved me—who really loved me. Everything always comes back to her. Every time someone lets me down—including myself—I always think of her, of what she would say to make it “better,” to make it make sense. I miss her on this day. I miss her everyday.

My own mother hated me. I don’t know if she ever loved me. Maybe there was a time when she did—when I was a baby and didn’t have a mind of my own, when I was just a thing to fill her loneliness. Once I wanted a life of my own, I became worthless. I was selfish and self-centered. It was “fuck me” for wanting a normal life—for wanting friends, a family, a home.

She was right about one thing, though: that my family would never love or care about me the way I needed them to.

Somehow, I always end up excusing her behavior… her abuse. I was a child. She permanently stunted who I could have been. She made me into her punching bag—and then she died. She got the easy way out. She created me, abused me, and left me. Maybe her mental illness was to blame, but that doesn’t change what she did.

I’m so sick of feeling guilty for how I acted as a child. I’m constantly embarrassed. Why am I the one who keeps taking the blame for the abuse I suffered?

The person I became in the summer of 2024 is who I am most ashamed of. I became hateful. I became an alcoholic. I became a cheater. I became someone who projected their hurt—and I will never let myself get that bad again. I became my abuser, and I hate that I allowed that. I hate that it was within me.

Well… I didn’t think this was going to happen.

I sometimes talk about the grief I have from going no contact from almost everyone from my pastz I had a very wide circle, and unhealthy best friends and toxic family members, surviving dv and homelessness- it just didn’t work that I felt comfortable knowing what I ended up knowing later. Specifically it has been hard to not be an aunt. I went no contact with my sister who was my first abuser. It was while the children were minors. I didn’t know what would happen but my sister was making my cptsd harder to manage after it being triggered by dv. I can feel it in my nervous system when “vibes are off”- someone please tell me this isn’t in my mind because the logical side of me is like- what do you mean???
Anyways very tangential- so my niece got mad at me when I was displaced to Cleveland for an unknown period of time and didn’t tell her. Now at that period of time I was no contact with my sister and really weird contact with other family members, I was still unhoused planning to go back to Dayton- and didn’t want that information passed along. I understood her point and told her that it wasn’t a conversation I could have (or something) and I am so so so sorry. I validated her feelings.
So yesterday I got a message from my niece on IG. She had unfollowed me- I refused to block her. She is still young and hasn’t done anything out of the range of normal for her development and knowledge of the situation. I am so happy! Although I was very sad that she grew tired of my sister’s abuse. I am not sure she knows that’s what it is yet. She moved out and lives with her boyfriend. She is over 2 hours away and I remember that liberty when I moved further from reach of my family. She told me she is “no contact” with everyone but my mom and my mom’s husband. I don’t know what she had heard about me, or what she believes about me. My sister’s abuse became worse when I became disabled even though we live hundred of miles apart and never asked her for anything.
I am worried about my niece though. She seems lonely. I hope when she starts working she gets some social time. I’m trying not to be the overexcited aunt who fell out of the family- but here I am.
#Agoraphobia #PanicDisorder #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #ADHD #ChronicVestibularMigraine #Migraine #AutonomicDysfunction #PosturalOrthostaticTachycardiaSyndrome

"Aw hell nah, there ain't enough of me to go round as it is."
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"All my awesomeness wouldn't fit in a smaller body."
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"Nope. I'm here proudly taking up space."
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"I'm perfect as I am."
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" Where'd you get your medical degree?"
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"I’m comfortable with who I am, and that’s something you can’t criticize."
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"My body isn't an apology."
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"No"

#MentalHealth
#AnorexiaNervosa
#Anxiety
#Autism
#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder
#Depression
#EatingDisorders
#GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder
#Loneliness
#MajorDepressiveDisorder
#MightyTogether
#CheckInWithMe
#ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder
#PTSD

Hello everyone. I've recently been having some struggles with my sexual identity. I identify as bisexual, and devoutly Christian. But I know it can feel difficult sometimes, and it can feel very, very lonely. I struggle sometimes with shame and self-hatred over my identity, too. If there's anyone here who can give me some comfort (or even friendship) I'd appreciate it.

#MentalHealth
#Anxiety
#Depression
#lonely
#MightyTogether
#CheckInWithMe

Hello everyone. I've recently been having some struggles with my sexual identity. I identify as bisexual, and devoutly Christian. But I know it can feel difficult sometimes, and it can feel very, very lonely. I struggle sometimes with shame and self-hatred over my identity, too. If there's anyone here who can give me some comfort (or even friendship) I'd appreciate it.

#MentalHealth
#Anxiety
#Depression
#lonely
#MightyTogether
#CheckInWithMe

It's been a week since my original post. Today, I just need to speak my truth—maybe putting these words out there will ease the weight, even just a little.

Before all this happened, I never realized how many lonely, hurting souls are walking this world. Now? I feel everything too deeply. Random moments catch me off guard—watching strangers through the window, their lives rushing by as my eyes well up for no reason I can name. Just this hollow ache where my strength used to be.

I tell myself to toughen up. My family worries; I see it in their eyes. So I paste on smiles, swallow the tears, and perform "I'm okay" like it's my job. But the truth is, I'm not. And pretending is exhausting.

Sorry if this comes across as self-indulgent. Some wounds need air to heal. Thank you for your attention.

i've been alone most of my life. i'm very introverted but it's too much. i've been alone for several years now after being harassed at a job and having to leave. i've lost all my close family members now and i've cared for and sacrificed a lot for some very old cats for years like a crazy person. my only friend has ocd and she's too sick to be a friend really. i only have my aunt and stepdad, both in their 70s so when i'm asked how i'm doing the only answer i can give is that everything is good. i have tried to be normal and socialize for so long and i just don't feel like i belong anywhere. i don't have anymore therapy or groups to look forward to. it's been a strange road for almost a decade and i don't see anything getting better. feeling hopeless and just making myself feel better by complaining i guess. i hope everyone is having a better weekend at least :) #Depression #Loneliness #SocialAnxiety