MidnightMusings

I don't recognise myself anymore. I was often described as kind, as caring, as selfless. As someone who would drop anything for others. And it was true (though of course with praise, it is Allah's love and mercy that He shows the good I have and hide my faults). I took steps back to focus on myself, to stop putting everyone before me. I wanted to learn how to love me, to practice some self-care, some boundaries. To grow, to heal. But despite all that I am still broken. I am still weak. So now, I remain unkind and unloved by myself. But I also lost the one thing that I held on to: being able to be kind to others. In the name of boundaries, I no longer have the strength to be a good friend. In the name of self-healing, I no longer have the energy to bring light to people around me. And it was for nothing.

I feel like I'm a ghost, bidding my time until my final breath. I have some happy moments, sure. I have times I laugh. Times I'm grateful. But I haven't been...happy, in a long time. These past few years don't feel like I have lived through them. It just feels like they just...happened. I barely remember what my days constituted of. I just look back and see a lot of sadness, a lot of pain. And I look forward, and I see the same. Everyday is hard, and heavy, and every breath takes all of me. And I don't know why, it just does.

I just want someone to hold my hand, and pull me along. But it's just me. I am both the patient and the carer. And I feel both roles so deeply, they engulf me equally, with such ferocious tenacity. I am exhausted from my illness of depression, and I am exhausted from being my own carer trying to bring myself through.

It's that time of the year where once again exams are looming. The past few years of my degree have been tough. And it's no different today. The overwhelming anxiety, the inability to concentrate, and many days just being unable to get out of bed and plonk myself at my table. I can't do it. I can't keep doing it. I'm too tired. Tired of failing, tired of trying tired of fighting. Tired of not being enough. Tired of being tired. I want my peace now. I want to rest. I want to sleep.