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There Is No 'Right' Way to Grieve a Miscarriage

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Last fall marked seven years since I was told that I had miscarried my baby (with my ex-husband.) This was the the worst time of my life. At that point, I had never felt pain and loss like it.

I struggled to be open up about how I was feeling as I was made to feel like my grief wasn’t justified.

“It’s not a real life until it’s born.”

“Are you not over it by now?”

“I didn’t realize it was such a big deal.”

Not being able to express my heartbreak was really toxic for me and I ended up being a nightmare around the people I loved most. The anger and pure devastation that was bubbling up inside me came out about the most menial of things. I was lashing out about anything and everything to let go of the anger and heartbreak I was feeling.

Tranquil lake surrounded by mountains

To be honest, I still don’t talk about this as openly as I should. I was made to feel like I had a time limit on how long I had to grieve and “get over it.” The truth is, I don’t think I’ll ever get over it, and that’s OK! I lost the baby that I was growing inside me… I was talking about plans, names, prams, etc. I had time to get my head around being a mum (after a huge shock) and that was all ripped away from me within minutes of a scan at the hospital.

At the time, I was recently in a new job and hadn’t told anyone about it. I went to a “hospital appointment” in my lunch break and then had to go back to my job and work like nothing had happened for the rest of the day with the news I had just received. I guess because of this and the fact I was faced with toxic comments from the person who was meant to support me the most, the whole grieving process was very suppressed and hidden for a long time.

Even after seven years, I still ache with sadness when I think about that little life and what could have been. I don’t want to forget about that time of my life because that will always be a huge part of me. I have seen a few different mediums who have all told me that my dad is with a little boy who is my child, they have also told me the name we would have chosen if it was a boy. (I know at this point there may be some eye rolls) but … I can’t tell you how comforting it is to think of my dad up there with my baby, looking after and protecting him. This thought gives me such a feeling of peace and reassurance. I always hold onto this when the wave of sadness hits me.

I don’t think anyone should be told how to feel after losing a baby. Everyone reacts and grieves differently. However you body chooses to react; just go with it — that will absolutely be the right thing for you! Just let it happen — feel the emotions, let them out and don’t let anyone dictate to you how you should feel and how long it should take for you to grieve. There is never a right or wrong way when it comes to grief.

I still have hope that one day I’ll experience having a family and that I’ll be able hold my baby in my arms. This is something I’ve always dreamed of and hope will become a reality for us one day.

Header image via Getty by wongmbatuloyo

Originally published: February 2, 2022
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