Why Misophonia Made My University Life Unbearable

Once upon a time, I was a university student trying to get by. I was also spending countless hours in the bathroom crying. Some days I would just pack my stuff, skip the bathroom, and head right back to the bus stop. It didn’t matter how many classes I had left that day, I had to get out of there. I had skipped right past “fight and freeze” and landed on “flight.” No amount of money, coaxing, or bribery could have convinced me that I should stay.

Believe me, the hefty $10,000+ bills I still harbor from student loan debt are proof of that. A few years later, I still haven’t finished my degree. Don’t worry – this isn’t one of those stories where everything turns out to be horrible. In fact, I’ve mostly come to terms with the alternate path that misophonia has carved for me.

The first time misophonia (or misokinesia – the debated term for when movements also cause the fight or flight reaction) really started to appear was when I was in university. Before this, I only had a few moments of triggers, such as crying while somebody whistled and not really understanding why. Eventually, after about a year, the triggers started to compound so much that I was at a loss. Through advocacy, I learned about my disorder, and over the past five years I have learned more than I ever imagined about something that never even existed in my mind until I was almost in the double digits.

In January of 2014, I wrote the following excerpt about misophonia. At the time, I was undiagnosed, and I was confused and scared (which I am sure many who struggle without answers still are). It’s hard to believe I wrote this before I ever heard the word “misophonia.” In a way, it’s heartbreaking for me to look back, but it also gives me hope because I have come a long way.

“Homework isn’t hard, the reading is fine. What I can’t deal with is the burden my anxiety can be in a classroom environment. Half of the time I have a scowl on my face in class, and probably come off as a bit of a condescending person. Whenever people whistle, click their pen, or shake their legs, it’s extremely distracting for me, and for a reason I cannot explain, it sends me into a horrible state. Leg twitching in my peripheral vision has literally brought me to tears. I’m so frustrated that I can’t just ‘get over it.’ I understand restless leg syndrome is a real thing, but so is the anxiety that I suffer every time I enter a classroom. I understand that it would be rude to approach somebody and ask them to please stop torturing me. Instead, I often stew and try not to get upset, but instead I usually just end up irrationally angry. Oftentimes I can actually feel the vibrations on the floor from people shaking behind me, even if they’re far away. A couple of weeks ago I started hyperventilating when somebody was whistling. Why?”

Misophonia was confusing mostly because I didn’t know how to cope. Hell, I didn’t even know there was such a thing as misophonia. I was lost in my own mind, worried for my future, and worried that this “thing” that was wrong with me was going to control the rest of my life. In some ways, it might. However, this doesn’t mean that it gets to make all the decisions or choose my life path for me. (It just might mean I’ll want to find a quiet place to live and might not frequent restaurants.)

The right solution for me was to switch to an online school. For some, coping skills might work in the classroom and working with your therapist or doctor can help you figure out what’s right for you. Working with an occupational therapist (OT) who understands misophonia can also be invaluable. You can find licensed providers from this site.

What’s important to remember with misophonia is that accurate knowledge is power. If you don’t know where to start, you might benefit from MIsophonia Education, which was founded by the head of the International Misophonia Research Network to provide educational content for parents, people living with misophonia, clinicians and teachers. In October, there will be a workshop on “Misophonia at School (and College).”

If you’re dealing with the challenges of misophonia while at school, please know you’re not alone.

There is a name for this disorder, and we’re all in it together.

And research is going to help us all.