MMD

#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder

Just found out today. I was diagnosed with bipolar depression prior to this. I'm confused because I can't find much info on it and my Dr says its a new criteria for bipolar.

I was pretty sure that I had been depressed or some version of it for my entire life. I remember fantasizing about dying even as a child. I would run away for a few hours trying to draw attention to my deep sadness and hurt feelings but as the youngest member of a big family, it went unnoticed only validating what my brain was telling me. I was unimportant and unvalued.

Last year, I began to think of ways I would kill myself. I found myself researching the most effective ways and had settled on one of two. It began to become very real when a friend of a friend died from suicide. In helping him deal with this tremendous loss, I found myself obsessing about what had happened to her. I was sad for her and him but rather than it being a lesson it triggered me.
For the first time, I sought help.

I had broken my foot and had a follow-up with the doctor anyway. While waiting I wrung my hands and thought about what I would say, if I could say it at all, somehow I managed.

          I think I am depressed. I’m really struggling. I’m suicidal.

I explained to the doctor what had been happening and that I was frightened of myself. It was difficult and I cried and I felt like I was exposing myself but I couldn’t live or wouldn’t live if I didn’t do something about it.

He was supportive and explained to me that it wasn’t a weakness, that I was strong for coming in and that he could help.

We began a treatment plan and I have been medicated for the past year. I don’t feel like I am fixed but it is better than it was then. I still have moments where I think about death or can’t get out of bed. In fact, the past few months have been trying. But I am not crying all the time, I can function.

The hardest thing about mental illness is finding the courage to ask for help.

Only a few people know that I am in treatment, I haven’t told my family which feels weird, but I don’t feel bad about that.

Not everyone will understand. Not everyone is the right person to express your sadness too. The important thing is to tell someone. Get help. You owe it to yourself.

I now look at the loss my friend suffered as a reminder of how suicide may end my pain but in the process, it destroys many other people’s lives that are left behind.