You’d have to read my last post before this, I couldn’t finish all my story or even part of it in my last post.

Anyways, when I was 16, I worked at Best Buy. I was friends with everyone who worked there, even if they were much older than me. I’ll still never understand why it was normal for people to have seen me hanging out with 22-45 year olds, but there I was. I didn’t want to be seen as one of those stupid girls my age who liked high school musical and Hannah Montana. I wanted them to think I was their age. And I think for the first couple weeks I was there maybe I had some of them fooled, but eventually they all knew I was 16. And I thought I was so cool because they accepted me. My mom and me would fight all the time because she didn’t want me hanging around them. She saw how creepy it was. I just thought I knew better, as I always do. One of my “friends” was having a New Years party, and of course instead of hanging out with the friends my age, I thought I’d be cooler if I went to a real party. Especially since I knew almost everyone there, because it was a work party. One of my rapists was the guy who picked me up and drove me to the party. He was also a good friend.

Now I had never blacked out from alcohol in my life, because I had a good tolerance to it, because I used to drink a lot. I think we got there around 9-10 pm. (Also just so you all know, I didn’t always remember every single detail of all of this, they come back to me over the years, and I still don’t remember every detail, but these are the things I remember for sure). The guy who was having the party was 31, the guy who picked me up was 22. Both my friends. I spent the couple hours that I was aware and conscious having a lot of fun talking to everyone and doing shots. The last shot I remember taking, I was decently sober still when I took this shot. It was a shot brought to me by the guy who drove me there, let’s call him A, the 22 year old. And the 31 year old we will call S. Now, it took me months to realize I was drugged, I blamed myself because I had been drinking. But I knew better, I could take opiates and drink and still wouldn’t be knocked out. The last thing I remember was that the count down to New Years was close, I remember taking that shot where we were all surrounding the table, and A was next to me. The next thing I remember, I was unable to walk. I don’t remember how I got from being around the table doing shots to being carried up the stairs, but I’ll never forget it because it was like I was seeing that glimpse of memory from the top of the staircase, I was seeing myself being carried by two guys upstairs. And I don’t think I even in that moment had a bad thought about anyone doing anything to me, because I was so naive and innocent.

They took me up the staircase, which all I remember of that is that glimpse. Then I remember being thrown onto the bed. Then I was out. #myrape #MeToo #PTSD #CPTSD #Depression #Anxiety #Bipolar #Trauma #rapetrauma