A missing you birthday wish!
A missing you birthday wish!
No feeling is final
Background sadness, a beautiful mess.
What happened when I didn’t sleep for a week
Let’s just start with a disclaimer, do not try this at home as not sleeping is extremely dangerous and I would not recommend it to anyone - friend or foe.
I never intended not to sleep for a week, but as I later found out have Bipolar Disorder.
In simplistic terms, Bipolar is known for its extreme mood swings that can range from really dark low depressive episodes to manic highs. Both phases come with their own sets of debilitating symptoms, but for each individual who lives with Bipolar their experience will be completely different.
I know that for me, I never experienced any depression. For almost two years I lived through mania and even my mental health team could not believe at how poorly I had become. Not to mention my family and friends.
Throughout this time period I had a constant decreased need for sleep and was spending obscene amounts of money online. Every day numbers of parcels would arrive at my door and in the end I could not keep up with the constant stream of returns needed to keep my bank account afloat. That’s without mentioning the fact that my room would just be full of unopened parcels sometimes as I was losing track of what I was ordering as it was mostly crap that I didn’t want or need to put it bluntly.
So I’ve mentioned the decreased need for sleep that came with the mania I experienced in these two years leading up-to this week of complete insanity, and insomnia I can live with or I have learned to live with you might say, but not sleeping a wink is a total different kettle of fish.
About a week before the last time I got hospitalised (for the fourth time in eighteen months) I stopped sleeping altogether. I stopped eating too, not intentionally - I just wasn’t hungry.
I was already really poorly by this point, but this just was the tip of the iceberg and I simply deteriorated from there on out. I started hallucinating so vividly in the brightest of colours. My psychosis ran worsened day by day sometimes hour by hour. I was living in cuckoo land and despite my crazy, absurd hallucinations everything still seemed so real to me at the time. I can see now that I was living in the madness.
At first I felt in total control. I thought it was part of my mission and that my hallucinations were part of a new feature or something, a bit like a spy. But most importantly, I thought I could manage it. But no one can manage psychosis without backup. Without outside help, and that usually includes lots of sleep, good food, medication and an outside environment. That was what I needed at the time because my psychosis was within the four walls of my house and so I needed to escape that environment. It has gotten to the point on the night before I was sectioned where I was seeing messages in the sky and the bricks of my house were closing in on me. It was amazing and terrifying at the same time.
I can see why people who live with Bipolar don’t want to seek treatment as mania is totally euphoric but the thing is it impacts on every aspect of your life. I lost my job and my home because of this stuff and have lost many friends along the way due to lack of understanding. Now I am well I have got many things back but there are certain things I don’t want back because if people don’t want me at my worst then they don’t deserve me at mr best, and it’s as simple as that.
My parents could see I was unwell and they were already on it and were calling for reinforcements but it’s not always as simple as that with the NHS, because truth be told I had been crying out for help in a certain sort of way for a lot longer before it had come to this.
I could see holograms and orbs for days in the hospital even though I had been medicated, which just shows the power of sleep deprivation and what it can do to brain and thought.
I understand why my hallucinations were there as I don’t think they are totally random. I think mine come from deep within my brain, like TV shows I had watched and recent news pieces I had read and just general thoughts and fears
I had. That’s what I mean, imagine all of what’s inside your brain totally spluttered out into hallucinations and verbal diahharea and that’s what I went through for two years. And then the sleep deprivation just exacerbated that tenfold.
I’m hoping that by talking about what I went through that this could help just one person. To me now this is just a memory and one that I hope I will never have to go through again as I am still recovering from it now. But with the right medication and treatment then I should be well on my way. #Bipolar #BipolarDisorder #Sleep #SleepDeprivation #order #Anxiety #MentalHealth
Your story is a blessing to someone else
Really? For real? As if I had enough to worry about.
*Disclaimer: This is Me pouring out every word on my mind last night, half asleep.
As noted on here, I’ve been working on problems that mainly deal with my own, ever-changing narrative. Nothing will ever be perfect but I do my best to try to reach my goals and be successful in small steps. Add in my mental illnesses and I’m wiped out.
I’ve always wanted to help others like me and to make a positive change in someone, make them feel like a worthy being. This is a lifelong task. When I help others I learn about that person, illnesses if applicable, and ways to help them start recovery. I feel so fulfilled when I can reach at least one person.
While I’m battling my own demons, it seems as if our human maker up in the skies or whatever has some sort of hidden key that will allow someone to have a life with less difficult tasks so one can fulfill their life without so much internal noise.
But in reality that key is hidden for forever, maybe as a test. A test across our lifetimes, with all of the obstacles that can be means of success or a way to learn information for yourself or how to help others. In contrast, this test can ruin your goals, hiding in the back of your mind, constantly whispering.
I promise I didn’t carry one this time for no reason; All of this relates to one another. When I was in school, K-12, I hated American history. We learned of some important figures, but that was greatly outweighed by the absolute filth that people can populate. Racism, sexism, and so many other revolting actions took place, capturing the minds of families across the country. I hated it, especially as a mixed race woman. I’ve been chastised become in different, as well as my sister. I protect my little sister in anyway I can/when she needs, but I feel like I take some racism, which is wrong, but if someone is an ignorant prick to her my eyes become red because I love her and I will not stand for that behavior.
It’s so much easier to learn and pay attention to the past so we can make changes, one by one, in order to become a better society, strengthening our culture, fighting all of that negativity that should exist in 2022. I don’t believe that it will ever end, but step by step we can transform into a country with empathy and patience.
This is a fraction of how my typical day goes. I am extremely exhausted and wish that I could have a weekend alone for self-care, so that I could reset for all of the previous scenarios.
THEN this utter bullshit event that Roe V. Wade was overturned. I barely put the news on and I felt such anger, disgust, worthlessness, and so many other feelings. I couldn’t help but become weak, seething, finishing with a good cry.
These pendejos are brainwashed, set in their older ways without wanting to adapt the laws that reflect the population. We all have our opinions, but we’ve all had a friend who has listened to us when we thought we were having reproductive and were scared. We’ve all had the friends that would make sure they would be at your appointments, while offering comfort or even holding your hand. You cadhdashdan’t tell me that these less than competent, souless women have never had those experiences. They’re letting men heavily influence their their such easy discussions, turning into nimrods, instead of using theirs own cognitive development. They need to take a stand for all issues so that, once again, so that we so dont repeat history over and over agin. It’s imperative that you study and then collaborate with others to get the best education so that you can help the cause, rather than continue this external and interior informariion.
My incoherent thought process weighed weighed so much.!. So many thoughts. #Bipolar 1 with psychotic features #Womensrightsj
So I am at DV shelter and for the last two days another client in the house has seemingly singled me out to abuse?! I think she's on speed or something too? So she is screaming and yelling at me calling me names etc and the staff at shelter felt that I should go in my room? I am capable 100% of not talking to or being around that person! She just will not leave me alone? After having another attack from her maybe an hour passed by and she started talking to me like we were old friends asking me what time I had to work today? I at first didn't respond after 4 more times I just said I don't wanna talk to you and then she starts right back in on me!? Telling me she wants me kicked out and that I don't follow the rules just not making any sense?!? So my question is how the heck do I not think about it and go about my day?! I left the shelter very early so I could avoid that person entirely but I feel unsafe unprotected and I feel like I am allowing this person to run me off?! Its just that in the past due to my anti social bpd ways I can be violent after all the abuse I have been handed I guess I have used that to get my way?! Just the way my abusers always have? So I don't trust that I will be able to control myself I am so angry I haven't slept or showed or kept my appts today I'm sitting in my car in front of a friend's house bawling!!! How an this be happening and how do I make it stop!!! Do I just run or get a ppo?? The thing is I am moving out in less than a week and have great things a new apt job to look forward to but I am jot handling this drama well at all!! I'm trying not to beat myself up but I am mad that she is getting to me! I feel like I am being mistreated all over again!! I cry more when I am mad than ever! I dislike crying very much! What really bothers me is missing everything work! physical therapy! I just can't do it!! Staff at shelter told me to just let it go dont let it bother you so much?! Which made me more mad!!! If I fuck this up before the shelter helps me move out I will lose all of the household items and furniture the shelter is providing me and all of my transition help from them as well?! That cannot happen!!! Well fuck!! Not sure what I am gonna do now but I do know that I am taking my meds now! Help and please don't say just let it go!?!? Please?
#BPD #Upallnight #Bipolar #PTSD #DV OK so I am still at this womens shelter and everything has been going well until yesterday this woman who is also staring here has been trying to talk to me then spewing hate and accusations at me saying she is going to get me kicked out and I am dangerous to kids and nasty and racist?!? Wtf??? I have had zero problems with anyone I share my pop cigs whatever I try to be kind and helpful so now I can barely come out of my room with her here!?! I have spoken with those in charge here and they say to stay away from her so I do but have accidentally run into her in kitchen so after all the drama she again talks to me and asks me what time I have to work tomorrow and I say I have nothing to say to you so then she lost it! I think she's on meth because it's belligerent and strange and makes no sense??? Any ideas???