notgood

I've held it in so long I don't know how to let it out. The last 10 years of my life has been unbelievably hellful. I know that's not a word. Lol I just don't know where to start. I know, I will start with the latest and gradually work my way through. I moved into my apartment in 2021 and I met the most amazing guy. We became "homie, lover, friends." When I was sick with Covid in '21, he was there for me. He would come down the hall to visit me often. I would've visited him but he had a cat and I am allergic. So fast forwarding, early December of 22, I asked him what were his plans for Christmas. He had no plans. He said he spent the last Christmas alone. I didn't have any huge plans either so I invited him to spend Christmas with me. We made plans to bring Christmas in together so he was going to spend the night. He came to my apartment Christmas Eve morning and we talked, and laughed, hugged, kissed, and just had an enjoyable time. He stayed for about two hours. He hugged me tight, we told each other we loved each other. Then he left. As the time grew later, I figured he fell asleep or something so I went to bed. On Christmas, I did not hear from him. I know his phone was messed up as well. So the next day, I attempted to call him and my finger accidentally hit the Facebook icon and opened up Facebook. And there was his picture someone posted. They announced his passing away. I just froze. It's like someone had come along and punched me really hard in my chest. I was home alone. All I could do was sit quietly and reread the post to make sure I read it right. I miss him sorely. Today is the first day I did not cry.
#Grief #notgood #depressed

I don’t know why it happens to me that I feel that I am not me and that I’m pretending to be “me” or I’m taking instructions from a “me” to be more “me” than I am. This sounds crazy but I want to be “me” without feeling I’m
Not good enough to be me #notgood #Impostorsyndrome #Memyselfandi

#failure #notgood
I have been unemployed since December 6, 2019. That’s not really that long almost going on in another week or two it will be two months but it seems like forever. The stress with him and his appointments to have stereotactic radiation done to his skull has someone been a little bit easier as he had got the mask done he just has to do an brain MRI
which got approved with sedation thank god because he can’t do MRIs without that. So was all the appointments have passed by that I was able to attend with him while being unemployed during the moment I’m grateful to have been able to do those with him. I’ve been able to go to half of the chemotherapies which was two every 21 days. Sure he doesn’t need me there for the next two that I asked to finish off. But I do feel grateful having the time off and being able to get those things done with him.

i’ve had a couple of job offers but I didn’t find them I guess the place I’d want to be at or either it’s too far and less money and not worth the gas spending to get to it. Guess I just haven’t felt the right fit and each time I say now about this position in that position I just feel more like a failure. A failure because I should just take a job and be done with it. But I guess ideally I would like to find a job in this town that I move to with him about three months ago. I guess I kind a like to be a little close should something happen. But I also would like not to have to go through a temp agency and wait for time to permit for a company to hire me fully because if I have a company fully take me up on that’s not a temp they might be a little more apt to be a little flexible knowing I have somebody sick at home. It was one company that was very understanding the lady and it was the next town away the job but it only paid $11 an hour. Which probably wouldn’t have been bad do an extra hours to keep up with it and make the money up I was just thinking to myself God the company is so dingy and dark and desolate just seem creepy even though the lady was very nice and understanding and was sympathetic that I had somebody sick home and that I would be able to go when I needed to go to appointments very understanding. I just hope I find a place that’s good fit. This last place I had worked for for two years there was no windows in the place and I was staring at the wall and my back was to everybody that’s the way my area was set up. Which kind of made you depressed that wasn’t the reason why I left the company though. I just really hope that something pops up for this new month in February that will feel a good connection and my anxiety will shut the fuck up. Because my anxiety seems to go through the roof.