depressed

First of all I adore my man and I want him to stand out anywhere he puts his foot in. But I realized that he doesn’t know how to dress all that good.

Today morning I asked him to change his shirt for work because I didn’t like the color. He told me it was one of his favorite shirts and I should stop insisting on him to change it because he won’t.

He told me making him do such things especially in the morning, sets a tone to his day. I apologized for ruining his morning and I stopped insisting. He also makes music as a hobby on the side, he likes getting feedback only if it’s positive. He tells me if he likes his songs, he’ll go with it.

I asked him to allow me to dress him when we go out on dates then but he said, “ I guess will be staying home then”

I feel like I’m not allowed to say anything that opposes his actions or words. Kinda makes me feel sad. I guess i ruined his day, I feel awful about it honestly. What do I do?
#depressed

So I had this close friend whom I confided to about every belief, thought and even deep seeded trauma . Our relationship was strictly friendship although we both knew we were attracted to each other, nothing went beyond being confidants to each other. However, our connection went deeper, it’s as if we’ve known each other from past lives? Familiar soul? Call it what it is.

Around November 2020, he got some news regarding one of his family members. He was distraught, but didn’t delve into it. I had a feeling it was regarding his mom. I tried to offer a shoulder but he lashed out in anger instead, saying a lot of hurtful stuff, throwing my trauma back to my face. In short saying I deserved what bad things happened to me. I blocked his number, I thought that was the end of that.

Around July 2021, he tried to reach out to me. Voicemails saying he missed me, even though he’s blocked he was able to leave me voicemails. I didn’t respond for a while, I was really contemplating if I should or not. I missed him too, I also missed talking to him but the words he told me can never be forgotten. It hurt me to the core.

It wasn’t until January 2022 that I finally responded to one of his attempts. I asked if he remembered the last conversation we had. According to him he said he did and apologized, said he didn’t mean any of those words and was spoken out of anger. I forgave him but told him to forget he ever knew me. I was laying my boundaries down and I cannot let someone speak to me or about me the way he did to be a part of my life moving forward. We lost communication.

September 2022, I found myself thinking about him out of nowhere, playing the last conversation in my head. Have I made a mistake? No matter what I did to distract myself, the thought of him kept coming in. I gave in and looked him up on social media, I then found out he had passed, suddenly, at 37 years old. I tried to read through the rest of the posts about the event, trying to figure out the cause. Nothing was said but that it was sudden as he had no health issues. Never met his family so it would’ve been awkward to reach out and ask.

I don’t even know what to feel now. Am I grieving? Is it guilt? Did he harm himself because of his mom and he was reaching out to me and I turned him away? It’s been a year now since I’ve learned the news but I find it hard to move on regardless because his passing date happens to share my son’s birthday. I’m just lost at this point, I don’t know how or what to feel.

#depressed #Grief #regret #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder

Today, yesterday and days before them I've gradually, but steadily gone down hill. I seem to have no filter on my thoughts as they come straight through to my out loud spoken words. I'm better off left alone to do my job then having him doddling around me doing nothing! I don't even want to go back but im as good as my word and I'd never let them down just cause I feel #depressed or #anxious . It just takes one question or the slightest hint of criticism from him sets me off and it's on. Thank God I at least have my days here by myself. He doesn't arrive till after 6pm. This attitude sticks with me and I'm short with anyone who talks to me. It just doesn't stop. This angry voice inside of me. I'm not this way . Can anyone relate?

I'm angry right now. Ash and I might be broken up because I messed up... I said something wrong and now she's not talking to me... dang please anybody help me like I feel dead inside... I need Ash like really bad... I never needed anybody like I needed. I feel stupid. #angry #depressed #Dead

My dad’s health continues to fail. Skin cancer on and off for 15yrs, heart attack about 7yrs ago, Parkinson’s diagnosis a few years ago, prostrate cancer within the last 6 months ago, and now bone marrow cancer. I can’t see my dad living much more. I try to do what I can to support my Dad but he puts up so many emotional walls. I’m really depressed and struggling to get healthy day to day stuff done. All I want to do is stay in bed. #depressed

I don't hate my hometown bro, I hate the mindsets of people in it.

I am at the lowest point I have ever been. I've tried to fix things with the love of my life, my favourite person. But my lies and arguments have ruined it all again. And he actually wanted to come and get me. He wanted to take me 'home'.

He lives in the UK, I live in the Netherlands. We've had a long distance relationship and have been planning our future for a while. But I lied and argued on a daily basis.

On top of that I've been cutting myself a lot lately. My mental health has never been this bad and now he wants nothing to do with me again. I started smoking again. Even though I promised I wouldn't. I have wasted my money and now I have nothing left.

I'm currently staying at a shelter, which costs me €6,00 a day. And I can't pay for that. So I have asked for help to get in a better financial position. I don't see a way out anymore. I wanted to be with him and I ruined it all.

I've basically destroyed my own future. Because I have no idea how to get financially and mentally stable whilst I have nothing and no one anymore. I would love to get back to work, but I just can't. Besides, who would hire someone who's arm is covered in fresh cuts!? For the past days I've been cutting myself daily. It feels like it's an addiction. The pain gives me a relief. It almost feels good.

Someone told me today to keep breathing and that everything will be alright. But all I can think about is that I don't want to be breathing anymore. I'd rather be 6 feet under the ground.

As a figure of speech, I've already dug the whole. So it just needs to be covered with dirt. I'm so far down that I can barely see the light from above anymore. I don't know what to do anymore. I wany my partner back. I want to be with him, but he hates me. My family hates me. The friends I had hate me.

Maybe they're all right. Maybe I'm just a psycho. Maybe I am a toxic, narcissistic, abusive bully. All the while I've been bullied for almost my entire life. I hate myself... And I wish I could cut myself deeper to just end it all. I can't even count the cuts on my arm anymore...

#depressed #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Love #Family #Friends #Broken #Selfharm #Suicide #NegativeThoughts #SuicidalThoughts

It's been almost 2 weeks since the last time that I've cut myself. I'm currently in since a dark place and it feels like I'm not getting out of it. Stupid thing is that things are getting "better". There's finally some progress in getting my benefits so I don't have to work for a while. The supervisors from the dayshelter are helping me find a place to live. I even have an appointment tomorrow with a landlord to discuss possible apartments or rooms. We've even talked about this building where you have your own room, but it's partly under supervision. Which would be amazing for me.

But even though there are these positive things going on, I'm falling back. I've been drinking more again, after being sober for almost 2 years.

And today I've cut myself again.

Why do I keep doing this? And how do I get out of this dark place that I'm in?

I don't even know what happiness feels like anymore... I wish I could just dissappear. I want it all to be over. I want it all to end...

#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Selfharm #depressed #NegativeThoughts #SuicidalThoughts #Thoughts