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    Job Search Woes #depressed # Autistic Employment #Loneliness #Employment

    #Job Search Woes
    Anyone else trying and failing to find reasonable paying employment. . I have put out literally hundreds of job applications. . I do all the "right" things that I was taught you do. The questionnaires, the panel interviews, the follow up thank you letters. Tell them I'm Autistic, don't tell them I'm Autistic. Everytime it seems all is going wonderful. You even see your work area if hired sometimes . Yet everytime I'm either ghosted or they let me know they've chosen someone else. I did mock interviews in a actual class that was supposed to teach you all this and I did well in these. I just give up it's a mystery I apparently can't fathom. Anyone else going through this? It's so isolating.


    Life blows, when you’re not having fun..

    I’m just very sad; I’m on a cruise to the Mexican Rivera and I’m feeling lost and out of place. I’m with 6 other people, including my husband and my younger daughter and her boyfriend. I’m glad to meet him for the first time. We all agreed that it’s better to meet now than at my older daughter’s future passing. She (my oldest daughter,) has metastatic stage 4 breast cancer. She continues to act as though us, her parents are dead. For reasons known to us, she’s walled us off and out of her life.
    Last night my younger daughter said she didn’t know if we’d ever meet in Columbus OH, where both our daughters now live. I simply said, “If I want to go to Columbus to see you, and him, I will!” She didn’t understand how that would be possible for me, knowing that my older child also resides in that city. She said that she imagined that would be really painful, like having ones heart ripped out not to be able/free to see my oldest child. What damn difference does it make? The older one won’t communicate with us now, anyway. I had a shitty nights sleep thinking about how nasty and spiteful that the older one is playing this game..She’s holding people hostage by her illness! My older sister is also enjoying torturing us, by being in either buddy,buddy league, or substitute Mom status, with my older daughter. -Never mind that they hadn’t spoken or communicated for at least 15 or 16 years! Now she’s my daughter’s favorite aunt! What the hell did I do to deserve such outright disrespect and lousy treatment, from those I Love and care about? It’s just all really nasty and crappy..My husband doesn’t feel this way. He thinks it’s ok that our daughter has shunned us, since she’s always been difficult and problematic. He thinks my sister, who I see as opportunistic and definitely having narcissistic tendencies, might be helping our cause? My thought is that with my sister’s recent post card from Columbus, that she visited my daughter there, is outright mean. The post card didn’t say this, but it felt like this: I’m in Columbus because your daughter flew me here to see her! I have your daughter’s Love and affection and you don’t!
    I’m thinking I should write my sister a postcard from a destination where my sister and I had talked about going to. I should write..”Having a lovely time, glad you’re not with us!” I know it’s petty, but she’s beyond annoying to me.
    I’m just writing all this while we’re at sea. Trying to rid myself of some of emotions and thoughts I can’t outwardly express. Life sucks. #depressed #PerfectlyHiddenDepressedPerson #PTSD #feelings #painful #Emotion #Cancer #Family #heartstab over and over again..I’m in counseling to help process some of my feelings. But the hurt runs deep.


    Kinda struggling with my mental health right now. Had a crying spell but have also been experiencing manic features. It's really getting me down about things and myself. I don't know what to do. I feel manic but also sad. I don't see myself splitting like some people with BPD do but I definitely feel a bit emotionally unstable at the moment. I feel like my disorders trigger each other. Memories of the trauma will come out of nowhere and upset me to tears. Manic energy will suddenly hit but I am also feeling run down like I'm getting sick. Nothing seems to be going my way right now. I was fine earlier in the day but now things are falling apart. I don't want to slip into a crisis. What should I do? I also don't want to slip into psychosis. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you.

    #BipolarDisorder #PTSD #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Manic #depressed #Psychosis #help #Abuse #Trauma #checkin


    Depressed and sick

    For some unknown reason I've been getting sick a lot recently. I went years without even getting a cold but now I've been sick like 5 times in the past few months. I was already depressed all the time before this started happening, but now it's getting worse because I've gone days without talking to people or seeing anyone other than my mom and she works a lot so I hardly even see her. And I have no one to talk to about how I'm feeling because even though I do have friends and family I could talk to, I have serious trust issues so it's hard for me to talk to anyone. Last night I had a little breakdown at like 1am because I was dreaming about my mom talkinbg aabout college and it brought up all my stresses about school. I don't know what to do about all this and I'm not sure how much longer I can take it. #depressed #Anxiety #sick



    I have so many people to talk to, but no one I can really talk to. My suicidal thoughts scare them, and they want to help, but I can sense the fear. They don’t know what to say. I’m crazy to them. I can feel the thoughts getting worse and worse. That tug to oblivion is pulling me deeper and deeper. I don’t know what to do. #sad #BipolarDisorder #depressed #BipolarDepression

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    #sza symptoms changing

    I've experienced a series of new types of ways the symptoms exhibit themselves.

    First of all, the hallucinations started to sound as if they were coming from a dime or the fan or the bookshelf etc. I cannot remember what they were saying.

    Next, my mood suddenly got sooo #depressed and I sat there like I was stunned in the head interacting with my Dad. I was like the most deflated balloon. I pray that my mood does not mean to be in a depressed state.

    Last, but my mood was happy throughout the day. An even-keeled happy. What in the world??! I am always in a sad mood or a mood in which I want to speak a lot to thin air. I've been happy except this 'stunned in the mind' thing that happened.

    To sum it up, I believe that the doctors I've had for about two years know what they are doing. And that is different for me too, to trust them.


    Shine on you crazy diamond.....

    Pink Floyd's name for their fans
    #Crazy #depressed #lonely #suicidal #Dysthymia #Anxiety #PTSD #chronic pain# Spondylitis #Undiagnosed immune system disorder


    Oops didn't see your message til now. #inmyhead #makingnewfriends #supporteachother #depressed manic #emotionallyconfused

    Hi, I'm sorry that I just saw your message. I'm trying to tweak my first blog post so extrely anxious but excited as well
    How are you doing? Do you work or are you on disability like me?


    Memories and Sadness

    My Mom passed away 21 years ago. Today, I had the courage to sell her silverware that she’d given to me before she died. She gave it to me after we’d had an argument. I know she was suffering through pancreatic cancer. She’d become unhinged at the time and actually said she didn’t “trust me.” I was visiting once a week, driving 350 miles (one way) to see her, spending time with her and my Dad, and just trying to show her I cared. I think it was her illness talking, and her pushing me away because she knew she was going..

    Anyway, I never wanted her silverware. I can’t stand to eat with silverware as it has a metallic taste to me. My Mom never knew that about me. She gave it to me because of the engraved M’s on it for her first name and mine as she named me after her. In 21 years I think I used the flatware once.

    So, I’m also sad because I’m thinking about my own daughter who has metastatic Stage 4 cancer. I’m thinking about the amount of disrespect and disregard she has for me and her Dad, about how she’s basically thrown us away as her parents, as her friends..

    I feel that we mean nothing to her, and so sleep won’t come easily for me. I just hope I don’t have #Nightmares because mentally I’m a mess right now…

    #depressed #Insomnia #PTSD #sad #Regression I thought I was getting over being #ghosted by my own child, but F’ it still hurts, especially when I think of how I treated my parents, and about how she treats us!

    I just don’t understand how I could Love someone so much, only to have them disregard me completely..

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    Numb #depressed #anxious

    I’m so numb this week that It almost feels like I’m watching a horror movie! Started a new “career”. Great company but the job I’ll be doing isn’t what I was told it’s actually more intense. I think the depressing part is I’ve taken a year off to focus on my metal health intentionally. To heal and work on my mental health without the stress of a 9-5.! And finally I thought I found a match all to be blindsided by a lack of communication during the hiring process of this company. I feel anxious because I’m always brave enough to walk away from anything not serving me but this time feels different. It’s like I hear God telling me to remain still and deal! But I’m so tired of always working so hard to never get what I pray for or something that I can find fullfillment in. I’m numb this week.
    I didn’t leave the house at all bc I work from home but I keep going bc my responsibilities don’t care about my mind. #numb