nowayout

I'm tired of seeing the glass half empty when in truth, it's more than 3/4 of the way full.

I have an awesome job, a faithful boyfriend, a beautiful cat, a sweet little apartment and food in my refrigerator. Rationally, I am privileged. But as of right now, I'm NOT rational.

I know that I shouldn't be freaking out. To be honest, if I wasn't pregnant, I probably wouldn't be at the moment... But with all of the doctor's appointments adding up, my paychecks being less than $600 at a time and rent coming up, at the current moment, I am overwhelmed. Today I received a sort of promotion at work. Rationally, I'd be excited that all my hard work is being recognized and now am receiving more responsibility. Suddenly it just seems intimidating, that the success of an entire department is on me.

I don't feel myself right now. I need to come down and think rationally but I can't. I'm... scared?

Is this the memory of scared that I always feel before I flee?

In the past, I've never felt at home. I've never felt wanted or valued. I've never valued others or the idea that life itself has value. Texas has been the first place I ever felt at home. I've ever been able to be fully myself without judgment or low-self-esteem. My current boyfriend is the first young man that I've been romantically involved who I feel close to both mentally and emotionally in a way where we understand one another. My current job is the first job that I've truly loved and desire to always be at. I've broken all my rules... I'll my protective mechanisms that I've built up around the shards of my heart. For what purpose?

What do I do with this fear? What do I do with this inability to be rational? Is this what it feels like to be human all the time?

#overwhelmed#nowayout #MDD #Anxiety