outburst

Had an outburst today and ended up hitting myself in the face repeatedly. It feels so out of my ability to control at the time, to the point where my skin is crawling and I feel like I may explode especially if I have any conflict. When I am finally able to come back into my body, it always seem like such a simple choice of choosing to disengage. that I could’ve made to prevent myself from escalating. The symptoms are the same yet I never see it coming. I hope my face isnt too swollen for work tomorrow 😔
On the bright side, 24 days outburst free until today. Atleast it’s getting more manageable. I think I was able to recover a little faster thanks to the phosphatidylserine supplement. These outbursts or splits as I’m learning, often go on for hours even days so this is a significant improvement.
#outburst #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder

I get so embarrassed and ashamed at how little I can regulate my emotions.

Like I make a fool out of myself constantly, it makes me feel like a 24 year old toddler.

I walked to the gym today, only to be turned away at the door because the information on the website was wrong.

A staff member kindly let me know the pool was now closing as it was a bank holiday, he wasn't mean or anything. He was so polite and sweet about it.

And I nearly CRIED! How SILLY is that!

I nearly bloody cried.

Nearly burst into tears right then and there!

Because I just suddenly SO overwhelmed because I was so frustrated, I'd walked all the way there because the website said it would be open now I had to turn around and walk all the way back.

It's a mile walk each way so it's not even far, and it was lovely weather I had no business getting emotional the way I did.

But I got so upset I actually had to quickly walk away from that guy and sit on the grass for a couple minutes doing breathing exercises. I feel so embarrassed that I'm still behaving like this.

I feel like I have a logical brain, who understands that it's really no big deal and I'll just go tomorrow.

But no matter what my mentally ill brain always overpowers those thoughts and I was just so upset. I felt so annoyed and flustered and upset.

Then of course now I feel guilty, I was nearly really rude to that guy because I got to heated so quickly.

And for WHAT! Because the gym was closed?! I actually need to get a grip!

This is what I mean is that sometimes I feel like I have to treat myself like a toddler. I had to sit myself down, calm myself down, have a drink of water before I got back up and walked home.

I know adding guilt and shame isn't going to help me at all, but sometimes I just wish my brain could ignore it's impulses.

I just wish being aware of how I am was enough to stop it, but as I said I really nearly broke down in front of that man. I cried when I got home and honestly I'm tearing up writing this! Like hello! What's the point why it's my brain doing this to me!!!! It's the GYM it's not a big deal!!!!!! Can I just be normal for one bloody second please!!!!! I beg!!!!!

#ADHD #EmotionalDysregulation #Embarrassed #outburst