If there were definite triggers for depression, an upcoming divorce is. Being newly diagnosed with #ADHD hasn’t helped. It’s the ADD part I have so much trouble coping with. Distractions, my mind acting like thousands of table tennis balls are trying to get my attention. Hyper focused losing track of time. Speaking with a therapist and realizing just how long I’ve had this frustrating neuro-deficiency even in elementary school. Learning my first few teachers weaned me tested for mental retardation in those days and my mother refusing. I always felt like I was behind my grade level by a year. Now my psychiatrist wants a psychological genetic test done. My only granddaughter is on the spectrum with HIGH functioning ability. Learning from my daughter that it’s quite possible it’s hereditary. Some of the traits in her I definitely remember early on so long ago. My wife doesn’t want me to take the genetic test. I do if only to understand why I do the things I do, oftentimes don’t do. I’ve always felt a little different than everyone else. The socal anxiety stuff and my phobias I have no idea where they came from. The fear of heights, bridges, social situations, large crowds of people, fear of rejection as well as the unknown. Am I crazy? Is this my normal? I’ve so much to be grateful for yet I’ve always had a negative, cynical mindset which infects those I love the most until it cascades into failed relationships. My only daughter has studied autism and ADHD so much so she can be a better parent and what to expect. I’m uneasy about the upcoming test results and hoping for the best. I’m reading all sorts of self help books to stop the self-destructive patterns or at least cope better. My ability to multitask has been miserable my whole life. If I can just focus on 1 goal or task at a time, I’m fine. And yet when I hyper focus I tune everything and everyone out. And I’ve always done just enough to get by, which is the very definition of mediocrity. One more thing, I don’t like change and this is a big one. Though it really wasn’t unexpected because I keep torpedoing every relationship I’ve been in. I just want to more fully understand why my brain doesn’t function like the rest of my friends I’ve ever known so I can improve my relationships with my loved ones. I’m setting my expectations lower in order to not be disappointed as much. Is that a bad thing?
#Depression