When It Feels Like You're Living With Another Inside Your Brain
The voice I hear has been explained to me as a coping mechanism for emotional instability due to my personality disorder. I don’t fully understand it myself, as it is quite a harsh and degrading voice, and it causes me a lot of problems. There have been times when I have blacked out, and I have had it described to me as the voice “taking over” and I become someone else entirely. I have frightened my friends when “he” comes out.
What you have to understand is this isn’t something that’s going to go away. This is me. This is the way I am every minute of every day.
He’s always there, talking away to me, loud and proud. I can get myself into a reasoning state, but that never stops him. For every reasonable response I have, he has a million more that seem so real, so intense, that he backs up so convincingly that I can’t argue.
It’s always a struggle when you’re fighting yourself. You long for rest, but when it’s 4 a.m. and the house is silent, the fear is real. The voices are real. The paranoia isn’t paranoia — it’s fact. It’s actually happening. There is no way to escape it.
I remember a time when “he” was my friend, telling me stories to make me laugh and not feel so alone… until that day I met him standing there, no longer a voice but a person in front of me, telling me what to do, how to be.
It’s been a long time since I saw him, but I swear, when things are quiet, I can see him taunting me, showing me he will never go away. I fight every minute, every day — because I can’t give up. Too many times I’ve tried, and every time I’m pulled back by someone. I can’t give up, but when it’s quiet I wish I could.
If you experience something similar, my advice is always reach out. I’ve found the hardest thing to do can be to open up to someone, as judgment is a massive worry. But sometimes I find myself feeling better — even for just a small amount of time — after I have spoken to my mental health worker. It feels like a weight has been lifted for a while, and as I said, even if it’s just a little bit, it always feels worth it.
Having someone you trust can go a long way. It can be hard to trust people after being through these challenges and having people look at you like you’re “crazy.” My strength and support comes from my girlfriend, who is so patient with me and understands I struggle a lot. So it’s great to find someone to confide in, no matter how hard that may be.
Image via Thinkstock.
If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.
If you need support right now, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or text “START” to 741-741.
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