In a lurid attempt to find myself again, I have decided to write. I claim to have started over and so I have. What exactly does that mean for me as a person/single woman/individual?

I honestly thought it meant picking up the pieces of who I was before my divorce and continuing on that career path. However, things have changed in 14 years. Things have changed dramatically.

After conferring with former colleagues I have found the scene of academia as hostile as ever. It is not only hostile for those of us that struggle with mental health but for minorities in STEM in general.

In an attempt to recoup my financial losses, I have decided to enter the field of data science. It is a much more lucrative career choice and continuously challenges my mind. However, the market is saturated, and I am struggling to find a profitable niche. I would like to help people somehow using clinical data. However, I find my spirit dwindling.

My once young fire and zeal for humanity destroyed by the events plaguing the daily news that I refuse to hear or read anymore. I once wanted to save the world. Now I only seek to save my sanity, my happiness, and my family from financial ruin and poverty. This requires me to close my heart and only think of numbers, statistics and realistic approaches to re-entering the workforce.

I feel humanity no longer cares for itself and division, disease and death are everywhere. This is not the America I was once proud to call home. It sickens me that the evolutionary phrase “survival of the fittest” now applies in almost every part of day-to-day life. It sickens me that I am one that is not fit to survive because my spirit dies slowly inside. I pray that I will be strong enough to survive the waves of oppression long enough to do my best as a decent human being. In the meantime, I wake, walk and talk like everyone else. However, inside I feel like the walking dead. My dreams, my spirit, my plans will probably not come to fruition in this life. So, I comfort myself by saying, “Maybe in the next life.” All the while I am hoping rebirth will somehow come in this life.

Image credit: Image credit: ESA/Hubble & NASA, Acknowledgement: Matej Novak

#sad #dreams #Depression #Anxiety #philosophical_views