sad

Sometimes I have to remind myself of what it means to be #happy and to understand what it means when I feel #sad - these extremes! I am finding it #difficult to find a job, keep a job, and #Grow within the #Job and develop a #Career .

Are you #struggling too?

In a lurid attempt to find myself again, I have decided to write. I claim to have started over and so I have. What exactly does that mean for me as a person/single woman/individual?

I honestly thought it meant picking up the pieces of who I was before my divorce and continuing on that career path. However, things have changed in 14 years. Things have changed dramatically.

After conferring with former colleagues I have found the scene of academia as hostile as ever. It is not only hostile for those of us that struggle with mental health but for minorities in STEM in general.

In an attempt to recoup my financial losses, I have decided to enter the field of data science. It is a much more lucrative career choice and continuously challenges my mind. However, the market is saturated, and I am struggling to find a profitable niche. I would like to help people somehow using clinical data. However, I find my spirit dwindling.

My once young fire and zeal for humanity destroyed by the events plaguing the daily news that I refuse to hear or read anymore. I once wanted to save the world. Now I only seek to save my sanity, my happiness, and my family from financial ruin and poverty. This requires me to close my heart and only think of numbers, statistics and realistic approaches to re-entering the workforce.

I feel humanity no longer cares for itself and division, disease and death are everywhere. This is not the America I was once proud to call home. It sickens me that the evolutionary phrase “survival of the fittest” now applies in almost every part of day-to-day life. It sickens me that I am one that is not fit to survive because my spirit dies slowly inside. I pray that I will be strong enough to survive the waves of oppression long enough to do my best as a decent human being. In the meantime, I wake, walk and talk like everyone else. However, inside I feel like the walking dead. My dreams, my spirit, my plans will probably not come to fruition in this life. So, I comfort myself by saying, “Maybe in the next life.” All the while I am hoping rebirth will somehow come in this life.

Image credit: Image credit: ESA/Hubble & NASA, Acknowledgement: Matej Novak

#sad #dreams #Depression #Anxiety #philosophical_views

I find it hard some nights, nights that I’m alone. Actually I’m always alone in this three bedroom house, that’s far too large for me and my three cats.

my uncle died here, two years ago. Of his own choice leaving it to me. I too died here, or was left to die here rather, about a month after his death, in the raging heat of Florida summer I fell ill, very ill. Some would speculate the planets aligned that week, the AC went out, merely a fan. But I was left alone sick for three to four days, a fever raged. Eventually becoming fever drunk I attempted to plea for help, my texts were just a garbled mess, my wife at the time left for her moms we had issues leading up to this, but she didn’t want to be home in the heat, well i suppose who could blame her? But by the same token, she was a nurse, her husband gravely sick with a fever of 101.0.0.5 up to 102 when he finally succumbed to heatstroke. No one came for him another day. Time blurred after I hit the floor. I remember total helplessness and confusion for the first time in my life.

i didn’t have any sense or strength left in me to crawl into a cold shower and pray to whatever god may be listening at the time.

All I could manage according to the police report was to curl up naked in a ball tucked away in the corner foaming from the mouth. I don’t remember that, apparently I fought with trauma staff at the hospital not realizing where I was or who they were, heatstroke had taken hold on me.

I had found out what it truly feels like to die alone, scared, confused, in between blackouts and moments of sanity, quickly whisked away by the blistering heat.

i didn’t have enough sense or energy to get to the kitchen for water. And no one to offer a cold compress or comfort.

And on the fourth day of hearing nothing from her sick husband who was left with a fever in a extremely hot house, she came to the rescue, perhaps almost in performance, she’d brought several people with her. Why? I would have to guess witnesses. It’s a strong accusation to make to leave someone to die heartlessly. However once I recovered slightly during my year stay in hospital I accessed our home security system. And found she’d logged in over the course of that week, she’d have seen me stumbling, falling down.

she’d logged in a two hours before my body was found motionless in the corner.

she could have called 911 days ago, but she didn’t.

And just when you thought I was dead you played hero as I learned quickly about your past.

They say that it’s unhealthy to hold grudges, but if you separate the bonds we had.

A sick individual leaving an another individual to die like that suffering in an overheated house. Is a incredibly sick individual.

while I don’t regret the loss of this person in my life, I do miss my uncle greatly, this house and everything that happened in it wears on me.

I never sleep well enough. But I’m almost learning to enjoy the abuse of being alone of being lonely.

of looking forward to what is next in the next life.

for those wondering I was only dead about a minute the second time a minute and a half.

I don’t remember much no tunnel no light, no angels or devils. Just nothingness.

the third close call with my final shot though I do remember seeing a large crow or what I thought was a crow, I was actually speaking with him as if we were in the room together, I was told later by a nurse, many times she’s heard of people seeing animals or people they have lost, she mentioned that those people typically end up passing a week after seeing them.

that was a tense week In the hospital. Probably four months into my stay.#sad #Death #deprivation #Depression

I think I don't fit in anywhere. My 3 local friends don't have time for me. The only thing keeping me here is my psychiatric facility. I used to say I couldn't imagine my life without my ex girlfriend but she clearly doesn't want to spend time with me. But I don't have anywhere else to go. I don't belong anywhere. My heart really hurts right now.

#sad #MentalHealth #SchizoaffectiveDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #PTSD

#Depression & #Anxiety

Today I feel #sad and I cannot pinpoint exactly where or what it’s from because there’s a lot…

• I miss who I was before all this.
• I yearn for that special connection.
• I don’t like how I feel or not feel.
• I feel #numb today.
• My moods are all over the place (aunty Flo is visiting).
• I’ve had head pain all day.
• I watch tv and I’d envy the characters and wished I was them.
• I don’t want to do anything.

Yet, with that I’m also feeling…

• I know what to do to get better, but I don’t do it.
• I don’t want that connection with someone because they’ll always end up leaving anyway.
• I know my feelings, yet I don’t fight it.
• It’s not numbness, just #phantompain
• It’s normal because our menstrual cycle messes with our hormones.
• Again, from the menses.
• Characters in a movie or TV are fake, just like the ones that hurt me.
• I just don’t have energy that’s why. Aunty Flo takes a lot out of you.

But tomorrow will be another day, and it WILL be better.