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Bathing in regret 22-05-24

I find it hard some nights, nights that I’m alone. Actually I’m always alone in this three bedroom house, that’s far too large for me and my three cats.

my uncle died here, two years ago. Of his own choice leaving it to me. I too died here, or was left to die here rather, about a month after his death, in the raging heat of Florida summer I fell ill, very ill. Some would speculate the planets aligned that week, the AC went out, merely a fan. But I was left alone sick for three to four days, a fever raged. Eventually becoming fever drunk I attempted to plea for help, my texts were just a garbled mess, my wife at the time left for her moms we had issues leading up to this, but she didn’t want to be home in the heat, well i suppose who could blame her? But by the same token, she was a nurse, her husband gravely sick with a fever of up to 102 when he finally succumbed to heatstroke. No one came for him another day. Time blurred after I hit the floor. I remember total helplessness and confusion for the first time in my life.

i didn’t have any sense or strength left in me to crawl into a cold shower and pray to whatever god may be listening at the time.

All I could manage according to the police report was to curl up naked in a ball tucked away in the corner foaming from the mouth. I don’t remember that, apparently I fought with trauma staff at the hospital not realizing where I was or who they were, heatstroke had taken hold on me.

I had found out what it truly feels like to die alone, scared, confused, in between blackouts and moments of sanity, quickly whisked away by the blistering heat.

i didn’t have enough sense or energy to get to the kitchen for water. And no one to offer a cold compress or comfort.

And on the fourth day of hearing nothing from her sick husband who was left with a fever in a extremely hot house, she came to the rescue, perhaps almost in performance, she’d brought several people with her. Why? I would have to guess witnesses. It’s a strong accusation to make to leave someone to die heartlessly. However once I recovered slightly during my year stay in hospital I accessed our home security system. And found she’d logged in over the course of that week, she’d have seen me stumbling, falling down.

she’d logged in a two hours before my body was found motionless in the corner.

she could have called 911 days ago, but she didn’t.

And just when you thought I was dead you played hero as I learned quickly about your past.

They say that it’s unhealthy to hold grudges, but if you separate the bonds we had.

A sick individual leaving an another individual to die like that suffering in an overheated house. Is a incredibly sick individual.

while I don’t regret the loss of this person in my life, I do miss my uncle greatly, this house and everything that happened in it wears on me.

I never sleep well enough. But I’m almost learning to enjoy the abuse of being alone of being lonely.

of looking forward to what is next in the next life.

for those wondering I was only dead about a minute the second time a minute and a half.

I don’t remember much no tunnel no light, no angels or devils. Just nothingness.

the third close call with my final shot though I do remember seeing a large crow or what I thought was a crow, I was actually speaking with him as if we were in the room together, I was told later by a nurse, many times she’s heard of people seeing animals or people they have lost, she mentioned that those people typically end up passing a week after seeing them.

that was a tense week In the hospital. Probably four months into my stay.#sad #Death #deprivation #Depression

17 reactions 6 comments

I am in pain which I cannot control

I've been struggling with intense feelings of anxiety and anger almost all the time. These emotions are overwhelming, and I've been having suicidal thoughts. The fear of pain is the only thing that stops me from acting on these thoughts. Despite visiting numerous psychiatrists, I have never received a diagnosis. I feel lost and desperately need help to understand and cope with what I'm experiencing. #sad #Depression #Anxiety #Pain

15 reactions 10 comments
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Where do I belong

I think I don't fit in anywhere. My 3 local friends don't have time for me. The only thing keeping me here is my psychiatric facility. I used to say I couldn't imagine my life without my ex girlfriend but she clearly doesn't want to spend time with me. But I don't have anywhere else to go. I don't belong anywhere. My heart really hurts right now.

#sad #MentalHealth #SchizoaffectiveDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #PTSD

24 reactions 3 comments
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Monday Comes to a Close

#Depression & #Anxiety

Today I feel #sad and I cannot pinpoint exactly where or what it’s from because there’s a lot…

• I miss who I was before all this.
• I yearn for that special connection.
• I don’t like how I feel or not feel.
• I feel #numb today.
• My moods are all over the place (aunty Flo is visiting).
• I’ve had head pain all day.
• I watch tv and I’d envy the characters and wished I was them.
• I don’t want to do anything.

Yet, with that I’m also feeling…

• I know what to do to get better, but I don’t do it.
• I don’t want that connection with someone because they’ll always end up leaving anyway.
• I know my feelings, yet I don’t fight it.
• It’s not numbness, just #phantompain
• It’s normal because our menstrual cycle messes with our hormones.
• Again, from the menses.
• Characters in a movie or TV are fake, just like the ones that hurt me.
• I just don’t have energy that’s why. Aunty Flo takes a lot out of you.

But tomorrow will be another day, and it WILL be better.

22 reactions 10 comments

I’m sick 😷 #sad #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #OppositionalDefiantDisorder #BipolarDisorder #CheckInWithMe #scared

I don’t usually get sick 😷 but I am at the moment and I’m scared 😱 because I don’t want anything bad to happen to me

2 reactions 2 comments

Anxiety feels so isolating

Even though you know a lot of people struggle it makes you feel like you’re the only one :( who feels abnormal. Anyone else feel like this? Hard to accept being an anxious person I hate it.

#Anxiety #isolating #sad #Upset #struggling #Trying

6 reactions 1 comment

Somatic OCD Breathing symptoms

I don’t have OCD personally but I have Anxiety GAD and I came across this while trying to find why I’m super anxious than normal and obsessed with my breath. I will feel so dump and weak like I can’t control it and it’s taking over my day and making me feel miserable like I can’t take a deep breath in and then I panic and it cycles and I’m constantly monitoring my breath where it doesn’t go automatic like it should :( please help sometimes even after meditation or deep breathing I still don’t feel good. #Anxiety #OCD #help #panic #AnxietyAttacks #PanicAttacks #anxious #sad #Upset #miserable #frustrated #dumb

2 reactions

How to cope when you have a disability/ mental health and are unemployed?

How to not feel like a loser/ worthless not being able to contribute as a member to society; and fill your time, I try to volunteer or make up for it, but sometimes I compare myself to other people my age and feel pathetic :( I want to be kind to myself while working to change my life. #unemployed #Work #Student #Shame #tough #sad #Comparison #Anxiety #Depression #help #Support

22 reactions 5 comments