My Mom, my best friend who has her own mental issues she battles is in the ICU and not doing well. It’s been 5 days and today I had a blow out with a nurse supervisor over my inability to understand what they are trying to do because I can’t get a single answer about why they want to put her on a ventilator. It’s a long story and I have been respectful and grateful but today I crossed the path of someone who literally told me they “don’t have time to explain this to me”. Yeah I know that sounds one sided or unlikely, but I promise you these were her exact words.

I made the mistake of showing my vulnerability upfront when I explained I had bipolar disorder and that I was struggling through this because I needed to have my meds adjusted....after that I feel like they treated me differently. I’m the one who makes her decisions as she is in a state of confusion and they have asked me to make life or death situations without giving me the additional information I have asked for. (Like lab results).

Everything ends up leading back to getting her on a ventilator but the risk of her not getting off the ventilator is high because of past medical issues. Yet the reason she has to be put on one hasn’t been fully explained to me. She does NOT have COVID either.

She’s suffering and stuck in this place in her head and she’s scared. I can’t see her because of COVID and the ICU rules but when I did see her she knew I was there and they noticed I was able to calm her. Now that this happened, they won’t let me see her. I’m working on getting a patient advocate and getting help to represent her. I even took coffee and donuts to them today to show them I appreciate them. Kind of a peace offering but I wasn’t allowed to take it back.

I’m stuck. She’s stuck. I was able to get atavan to help with my nearly constant panic attacks but I’m starting to crash emotionally. I don’t have insurance because I’m out of work. I just feel like I’m back to walking a tightrope and one slight step off is going to throw me into a dark place and I won’t be able to help her. I have never felt so fragile and so misunderstood. Having bipolar....being with bipolar is hard enough. Being put in charge of my mom’s life when I have never had this kind of emergency before feels incredibly hopeless.

I guess I’m venting. I guess I’m asking for prayers or good energy for my Mom and for myself. I guess I’m hoping you’ll understand. I feel weak and insufficient but yet I’m all she has 💔

If you can send healing thoughts and love and prayers her way I would appreciate it. Her name is Elaine Riley and she is struggling to come out of the dark place she is in and show them she can be lucid enough to fight this. Her body hasn’t given up, but I’m afraid her mind will if she thinks she’s alone and stuck there. Any good thoughts and prayers are appreciated. She’s my whole world and the kindest soul with the biggest heart ♥️ thank you 🙏🏻 #Pleaseprayformymom #feelingscared #ICU