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Mom is in ICU and I’m barely holding on myself 😞

My Mom, my best friend who has her own mental issues she battles is in the ICU and not doing well. It’s been 5 days and today I had a blow out with a nurse supervisor over my inability to understand what they are trying to do because I can’t get a single answer about why they want to put her on a ventilator. It’s a long story and I have been respectful and grateful but today I crossed the path of someone who literally told me they “don’t have time to explain this to me”. Yeah I know that sounds one sided or unlikely, but I promise you these were her exact words.

I made the mistake of showing my vulnerability upfront when I explained I had bipolar disorder and that I was struggling through this because I needed to have my meds adjusted....after that I feel like they treated me differently. I’m the one who makes her decisions as she is in a state of confusion and they have asked me to make life or death situations without giving me the additional information I have asked for. (Like lab results).

Everything ends up leading back to getting her on a ventilator but the risk of her not getting off the ventilator is high because of past medical issues. Yet the reason she has to be put on one hasn’t been fully explained to me. She does NOT have COVID either.

She’s suffering and stuck in this place in her head and she’s scared. I can’t see her because of COVID and the ICU rules but when I did see her she knew I was there and they noticed I was able to calm her. Now that this happened, they won’t let me see her. I’m working on getting a patient advocate and getting help to represent her. I even took coffee and donuts to them today to show them I appreciate them. Kind of a peace offering but I wasn’t allowed to take it back.

I’m stuck. She’s stuck. I was able to get atavan to help with my nearly constant panic attacks but I’m starting to crash emotionally. I don’t have insurance because I’m out of work. I just feel like I’m back to walking a tightrope and one slight step off is going to throw me into a dark place and I won’t be able to help her. I have never felt so fragile and so misunderstood. Having bipolar....being bipolar....living with bipolar is hard enough. Being put in charge of my mom’s life when I have never had this kind of emergency before feels incredibly hopeless.

I guess I’m venting. I guess I’m asking for prayers or good energy for my Mom and for myself. I guess I’m hoping you’ll understand. I feel weak and insufficient but yet I’m all she has 💔

If you can send healing thoughts and love and prayers her way I would appreciate it. Her name is Elaine Riley and she is struggling to come out of the dark place she is in and show them she can be lucid enough to fight this. Her body hasn’t given up, but I’m afraid her mind will if she thinks she’s alone and stuck there. Any good thoughts and prayers are appreciated. She’s my whole world and the kindest soul with the biggest heart ♥️ thank you 🙏🏻 #Pleaseprayformymom #feelingscared #ICU

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ecawho

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@ecasuzzy21

BPD 3y

how to deal with my sick mother #Support #borderlinepersonal

Hi guys... I haven’t been very close to my mom since I was a child, and have shut myself off from her and sort of blocked out any negative feeling due to toxicity. She has an addiction problem, and having to try to help her for so many years with no success has been so draining for me to deal with. Just recently she has been admitted to the hospital and is now in the ICU. her liver is failing and her kidneys stopped working on their own so she’s on dialysis. she’s stable and i have been visiting her every day. It’s hard to see her in this state and i feel like i failed her as a daughter because i didn’t know things got this bad until seeing her in the condition that she’s in. I would try to make plans to see her and keep a relationship with her regardless of everything but for the past year she found reasons to bail on me and i think she was embarrassed of me seeing her sick. she’s on a breathing machine and can’t talk, but i go in for our visits (that are only one hour a day because of covid) and i sometimes feel bad for not knowing what to talk about or what to say to comfort her. it’s difficult because she can’t talk, and i bet it’s frustrating for her as well to sit there and not be able to talk back to me. i feel like i should have done more to help her, and i’m so devastated that this has happened. i’m wondering if anyone has any advice for this situation. i don’t usually reach out to support groups, i myself struggle with depression and anxiety. I was diagnosed with BPD as well and this has all been such a big weight on my shoulders to cary around. she has hep C and she left it untreated and i believe that this is the end result and i just don’t know how to feel or what to do or if she’s gonna be okay. #BPD #Support #Depression #LiverCancer #KidneyProblems #ICU

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@stillmebutinpain

DistractMe 4y

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Smile #smile #laughterisgoodmedicine #CheckInWithMe

Hope this made you smile or even laugh

It did me when I saw it.

Much love and lots of hugs Tj
❣💕❤🤗🤗🤗😁🤣

#DistractMe #hopeful #Hope #Love #stayingpositive #Stayinghome #Giggles #Weekend #RareDisease #Selfcare #lovingkindess #lovingmyselfagain #savinglives #NHS #ICU #Friends #Family #MightyTogether #saturdaygiggles

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Kate

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@kateanne23

NICU 4y

On the 12th Day of Quarantine... #COVID19

On the 1st day of quarantine, this virus gave my family
The last face mask in the ER.

On the 2nd day of quarantine, the virus gave my family
2 weeks' notice for eviction
And the last face mask in the ER.

On the 3rd day of quarantine, this virus gave my family
3 job losses
Moved back in with my parents
And the last face mask in the ER

On the 4th day of quarantine, this virus gave my family
4 shots through my window
Guess I'm back on LinkedIn
I love living with my parents
And the last face mask in the ER

On the 5th day of quarantine, this virus gave my family
5 Calls to the Mexican Embassy
Not my window, not my problem
Job searches can't be that hard
I'm moving to the garage
And the last face mask in the ER

On the 6th day of quarantine, this virus gave my family
Six people sharing this bathroom
But my grandfather IS a CITIZEN!
No, officer, I didn't see the gunman
How do I apply for unemployment?
My apartment had lead paint anyway
And the last face mask in the ER

On the 7th day of quarantine, this virus gave my family
Seven IBS flare-ups
You've been showering for an hour
His wife is a citizen, too
Didn't the neighbors hear any shots?
They rescinded my employment offer
I'm starting to miss my roommates
And the last face mask in the ER

On the 8th day of quarantine, this virus gave my family
8 types of shortages
I shouldn't have eaten food
Get out of the bathroom, now!
Papa says they can cross into Texas
So now there's a SERIES of burglaries
The factory laid everyone off
You know, in LA, they can't evict people
And the last face mask in the ER

On the 9th day of quarantine, this virus gave my family
9 days in the #NICU
Toilet Paper is not currency
I should've bought adult diapers
You showered already!
Plane just landed in Houston
Why would I know the shooter?
We should've started a union
Sleeping in a bunk bed at 20
And the last face mask in the ER

On the 10th day of quarantine, this virus gave my family
10 years of retirement savings gone
He can't breathe without a respirator
They don't have bread?
Not that bad of a flare-up
You can't hold concerts in the bathroom
Only an 18-hour drive from Texas
Ask the landlord. It's his window.
I'm applying for unemployment
Everything happens for a reason
And the last face mask in the ER

On the 11th day of quarantine, this virus gave my family
11 early tornadoes
They won't take an infant's respirator
They're out of Tylenol
I think I can try eating again
You're been in there for an hour
Now what does border patrol want?
Enough about the window
Are they hiring at the hospital?
Home can't be that bad
And the last face mask in the ER

On the 12th day of quarantine, this virus gave my family
12 big fights
It's not tornado season
You can live with me when you're old
#ICU is getting crowded
Virus will kill me anyway
And the last face mask in the ER

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thetachylife

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@smashogrady

PulmonaryEmbolism 4y

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New Blog Post

Ever wanted to know what people are going through while coping with their blood clots?

#PulmonaryEmbolism #DeepVeinThrombosis #ICU #BloodThinner #ChronicIllness #ChronicIllnessBloggers #AutonomicDysfunction

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Suicide 4y

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#SuicideAttemptSurvivors #TheSemicolonProject

It’s been 7 years since I attempted #Suicide & wound up in the #ICU in a coma. My husband saved me & part of myself is very glad he did & I’ve overcame so much since then but I’m also going through so much more stuff right now that I’m grappling with #SuicidalIdeation & makes me wish I had succeeded. The other day I saw this post on Twitter from a fellow #SuicideAttempt survivor & it did give me hope, make me feel like I could maybe get through this, eventually, hopefully. Getting the will to live back has been a process that I will endure for the rest of my life. Having #ChronicPain #Fibromyalgia #BipolarDisorder & #Anxiety #PTSD puts me at higher risk of #Selfharm & suicide. I always have to keep that in mind. So to anyone else out there in the same position as me, going through so much but still here, still living, still continuing your story, know you are not alone. Many are barely holding on just trying to get by. I have to remind myself that living gives me opportunities to grow, & I just have to hold out hope that it will get better & just #TakeItOneDayAtATime things are really hard for me right now, I’m going through #Divorce & I feel like I’ve lost my heart & best friend in the process. This is not going to be an easy thing to accept or deal with . One day at a time though that’s all I can do. It’s inspiring though to see someone who’s been through it come out the other side better for it. I hope I can say the same eventually, just right now I’m too broken to say I’ve made it through, but I’m trying my best not to give up. I deserve love, I deserve peace, I deserve happiness.