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#feelingdiscouraged . #FeelingVulnerable . #feelingscared . #Feelingoverwhelmed . #Feelingsad

How can someone love a body that is so very gross.
How can someone love a mind that is full of toxic stress and confusion and sadness.
How can someone love a face that does not understand its own expression.
How can someone love a heart that is bleeding with it's own shattered pieces of shattered pieces.
How can someone love a soul that wreaks and is detached from reality.

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Mom is in ICU and I’m barely holding on myself 😞

My Mom, my best friend who has her own mental issues she battles is in the ICU and not doing well. It’s been 5 days and today I had a blow out with a nurse supervisor over my inability to understand what they are trying to do because I can’t get a single answer about why they want to put her on a ventilator. It’s a long story and I have been respectful and grateful but today I crossed the path of someone who literally told me they “don’t have time to explain this to me”. Yeah I know that sounds one sided or unlikely, but I promise you these were her exact words.

I made the mistake of showing my vulnerability upfront when I explained I had bipolar disorder and that I was struggling through this because I needed to have my meds adjusted....after that I feel like they treated me differently. I’m the one who makes her decisions as she is in a state of confusion and they have asked me to make life or death situations without giving me the additional information I have asked for. (Like lab results).

Everything ends up leading back to getting her on a ventilator but the risk of her not getting off the ventilator is high because of past medical issues. Yet the reason she has to be put on one hasn’t been fully explained to me. She does NOT have COVID either.

She’s suffering and stuck in this place in her head and she’s scared. I can’t see her because of COVID and the ICU rules but when I did see her she knew I was there and they noticed I was able to calm her. Now that this happened, they won’t let me see her. I’m working on getting a patient advocate and getting help to represent her. I even took coffee and donuts to them today to show them I appreciate them. Kind of a peace offering but I wasn’t allowed to take it back.

I’m stuck. She’s stuck. I was able to get atavan to help with my nearly constant panic attacks but I’m starting to crash emotionally. I don’t have insurance because I’m out of work. I just feel like I’m back to walking a tightrope and one slight step off is going to throw me into a dark place and I won’t be able to help her. I have never felt so fragile and so misunderstood. Having bipolar....being bipolar....living with bipolar is hard enough. Being put in charge of my mom’s life when I have never had this kind of emergency before feels incredibly hopeless.

I guess I’m venting. I guess I’m asking for prayers or good energy for my Mom and for myself. I guess I’m hoping you’ll understand. I feel weak and insufficient but yet I’m all she has 💔

If you can send healing thoughts and love and prayers her way I would appreciate it. Her name is Elaine Riley and she is struggling to come out of the dark place she is in and show them she can be lucid enough to fight this. Her body hasn’t given up, but I’m afraid her mind will if she thinks she’s alone and stuck there. Any good thoughts and prayers are appreciated. She’s my whole world and the kindest soul with the biggest heart ♥️ thank you 🙏🏻 #Pleaseprayformymom #feelingscared #ICU

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How many people going back to college, specifically going back to on-campus college, are getting stressed out? How are you handling it?

I really haven’t done well in preparing to go back to college, so I’m pretty stressed about it. I’m excited to see friends again, but it’s been so hard for me to keep up a relationship with them online, that I’m worried we might be distant at first. My classes are going to be a nightmare in some ways, because I didn’t end last semester well.
There’s so many things that I’m going to need to do in the next few weeks, and one of the only things I know of that will help me keep up with everything and handle all of that stress is going to be talking to my advisor a lot, getting back to counseling appts, and maybe talking to some sort of special advisor who specifically helps students make plans for staying on track with assignments and handling classes that were incompleted a previous semester or whatever because I think there’s some sort of advisor like that. Basically, I’m going to be trying to build up a support system with the more professional people in my life, not just with my friends. That’s the only way that I think I’ll be able to make it through this next semester without getting overwhelmed.

Thoughts anyone? Fears and concerns about going back to college, excitements about it, plans to deal with all of these college things, etc?

#College #collegestress #Stress #scared #depressed #overwhelmed #EmotionalHealth #MentalHealth #emotionallynumb #feelingscared #nervous #Worried


I’m not coping

I am autistic with mental health problems. Since lockdown started, it has deteriorated, I have lost my job and am the only one at the company who has lost it. I told the guy I liked that I had feelings for him and I found out that he’s seeing someone else. I snapped at him and am worried that I might lose him as a friend. I’ve struggled getting out of bed, still am. I could lose my flat and the therapy sessions where I’m finally able to talk about my trauma from when I was a kid. I feel like nothing is getting better, that I have nothing and that this will never end. I don’t know what to do anymore.

#Autism #MentalHealth #Depression #Anxiety #Notcoping #COVID19 #feelinglonely #FeelingOverwhelmedAndPained #feelingscared


Well, This Happened

Everyday this week, I had consciously decided not to talk to this guy at work whom I’ve always liked, but because of past events along with me forever feeling that I’m either too much or not enough (among other feelings). For the last few months, we weren’t really speaking to each other because he started hanging out with the other guys at work and for that, I felt like he had abandoned me and I went from admiring him to hating him very fast. Overall, I can’t deny the fact that even though things have happened, he is a good guy. So this week, I’ve literally been praying that I could avoid him for the rest of the time that I was at work. On Monday when I did this, he ended up showing up at my work area and started talking to me. I brushed it off because I thought it was a one time thing and that he’ll go back to not talking to me again. The next day, the same thing pretty much happened. But what happened last night really scared me. I was working and he came in to help me. After a while of not saying much, he asked me about my family and also my mental health. I didn’t go into great detail because I didn’t know how he would take the heaviness of everything I’ve been feeling. So, I told him that it could be better than what it is now. And he literally said this:”You can tell me what’s wrong, let me make you feel better.” THAT was the moment that really scared me. I really didn’t know what to think let alone know how to handle it. It is hard to me to accept help and even harder for me to accept anything from a man. I know that he cares, but it’s hard for me to fully accept that anyone cares. I’ve been pushing him away and yet I find it hard to let him go. I’ve hated him, but would feel hurt because I felt he was leaving me behind. It’s all really confusing. I don’t expect anything major to come out of this, and thinking about it makes me all the more scared and anxious. #MentalHealth #Depression #Relationships #anxiousthoughts #devalue #value #scared #relationshipsarehard #pushingpeopleaway #Avoiding #feelings #Accepting #Men #feelingscared #battling


Feeling sad, upset and emotional today. #CheckInWithMe

Having a low day today, I’m upset about something, but my mind can’t figure out why. It could be because I’m exhausted. Haven’t slept well in days, weeks even. It could be because my operation failed within 3 days, so my recovery feels like it’s for nothing. It could be because I’m sick of having this endless flare up. The one that every coping method I have, isn’t working at all. It could be everything combined.

I want to be the one most people see. The positive, smiley one. The one that doesn’t show the agony she’s in, and never complains. The one that’s positive all the time, and helps others before herself, no matter what she faces. But the truth is, when I’m not at work, college or with friends, I’m a moody bitch. I’m in bed, in tears, trying to hide them from the rest of the family because I want no sympathy. The one that’s angry, mad, annoyed, fearful of what’s to come next. I’m not always happy. That’s the truth.

#Osteoarthritis #CerebralPalsy #Hemiplegia #ChronicPain #DDH #Upset #sad #SleepDeprivation #Operation #ChronicIllness #Recovery #Bedrest #FeelingAlone #Feelingoverwhelmed #feelingscared #Arthritis


Intense Emotions #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder

My feelings for someone are so strong it makes me sad. I feel like it's inevitable that one day they'll leave me and that I'll never find these feelings again. I try to be realistic but really I feel overwhelmed with emotion and I want to distance myself from them. Somedays I feel like telling them, but, I never do. This is the healthiest friendship I've ever had. I am very happy most of the time, and very grateful. But days like this, fear interferes. I guess I'm just hoping I'm not the only person who has felt this way. #feelingscared

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Social anxiety is my worst enemy #SocialAnxiety

I have a super important family event in 4 weeks and I’m freaking out already. So many people will be there that I’ve never met before, and it scares the living crap out of me. I wonder if how I look will be enough, if the dress I already decided on wearing will be pretty enough, will the shoes match? I’m so scared to go but I know I have to. I’ve always struggled with meeting new people, but this is so important to my fiancé and I can’t let him down. I’m afraid that I will break down and disappoint him. I know he will never be disappointed in me and is my biggest supporter, but it still worries me. I don’t know what to do, my minds racing with thoughts of how I will mess it up, how I will leave bad first impressions. I’m scared and I don’t know what to do. #feelingscared #overwhelmingemotions #overthinking

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#ItsOKMan #Noinsurance #BipolarDisorder #feelingscared #CheckInWithMe

I have been out of work for over 3 years due to my disease. I had an established career as a Stage Manger for #SecondCity and was there for over ten years before my illness took away my ability to do my job. Leaving my job was like taking away a big part of my identity. Don’t get me started about how Social Security Disability makes it difficult for people with mental illness.
I am lucky. My husband knew something was wrong and asked if I would see a #Psychiatrist I went with trepidation fearing I would be instantly hospitalized. I wasn’t. My psychiatrist insisted I find a therapist. I will write one day about how my husband got a recommendation for a therapist who turns out I dated 20 years ago and he dumped me over AOL Instant messenger. Needless to say I had him find me another one.
For 3 years I went to therapy for the most part twice a week. Recently went down to once a week. I saw my psychiatrist once a month, and I did a 30 week group therapy with other people dealing with child hood sexual abuse. I have been present and worked hard, unfortunately with little success. My husband disagrees but I am no closer to returning to work and I feel exhausted.
My husband was on a grant that ended in September and he was overwhelmed and in a depressed state. He missed the deadline for Cobra and we currently have no insurance.
A few weeks ago he told me he was done with his antidepressant and couldn’t afford to pay for it out of pocket. I made sure to get 3 months of all my pills before his grant ended. The beginning of November, I too have ran out. I have asked my psychiatrist if he has any samples; he didn’t. I contacted the drug manufacturers of each of my pills and most I got was a card to pay my copay, which does no good without insurance. I am currently applying for Medicare.
My therapist is asking for payment for past sessions, which he certainly deserves. Now I don’t feel comfortable seeing him until I am all paid up because each new session will add up quickly.
I am going through some major withdrawal and I am spiraling into a place I don’t/can’t go to. I am lost and would appreciate any advice. I feel like I have exhausted my resources but maybe someone will have advice I haven’t tried. I appreciate you taking the time to read this.