How I Still Bonded With My Baby During Postpartum Psychosis

Becoming a mother, a parent, is supposed to be magical. We all know the picture perfect image of a mother and child. With luck, we get that moment filled with waves of love.

I knew very well, as most of us do, that having a child is hard work. It’s 24/7. There’s no opt out, exchange or return. Knowing is one thing. Preparing can be useful. Yet, knowledge and preparation can seem of zilch value when you have this gorgeous, pooping, vomiting, gassy, tiny bundle who wakes at godforsaken hours, all the worse when they are sick or have colic. What happens when your favored guru’s suggestions fail you? Who else can help you out?

I’m sure at one point or another every parent has been struck by the enormity of bringing a unique life into the world and becoming responsible for loving, guiding and supporting them. Why else are there so many books on the subject so avidly read and debated?

Let’s face it. Parenthood is an enormous task. In earlier generations, extended families and communities supported young families. While it may well still take a village to raise a child, a village usually isn’t there. Parenting has become high-intensity care, usually undertaken primarily by the mother who may be juggling work as well. Feeling overwhelmed seems inevitable.

For some of us, we enter a horror movie, with even greater depths of terror. When Gracie was 8 weeks old, I believed she would be better off without me, and I rejected her. My siblings and my mum would raise her better than I could. Everyone hated me and would agree she had a lucky escape.

At that stage, I hadn’t formulated a specific suicide plan, but I knew life was worthless without my baby. Mum and a cousin took me to the emergency department at 2 a.m. because I certainly had no insight into what was happening.

I want to highlight the difficulties of those who experience the relatively rare condition of perinatal (or puerperal) psychosis, which affects 1 or 2 in every 1,000 women in the first few weeks of giving birth. I was among the fortunate. Although we had separated, Gracie’s father continued to pay the premium health insurance so that I could attend the only mother and baby unit in the state. Yet, before I could be admitted to the private hospital, my condition had to be stabilized somewhat. I had to no longer be a risk to abscond.

In the locked ward of the public hospital, I was again fortunate to use a small room for hours on end, to see my tiny baby in the company of either my ex or mother. I cherished the time with my baby and missed her over the weekends when she went to mum’s place.

As much as I am grateful to have had that opportunity to bond with my baby, it was an artificial environment to stay cooped up in one room all the time. Other patients were also upset that one of the scarce family rooms was in use for so long.

After about three weeks, I stabilized to the extent I was able to walk the hospital ground with my ex or mum. I reveled in the fresh air, walking and playing on the grass. It felt like a much more relaxed way to interact with my baby.

By this time, when the mother and baby unit had space, I could be admitted by them. Partners were welcome at the facility and could pay to stay overnight. Here I resumed as much care of my daughter as I was capable of. I loved bathing Gracie once again, holding her close to bottle feed her and even changing her nappy. Over time, I learned how to prepare her milk, wrap her for bed, put her to sleep and play with her. I started to feel like a real mum again.

The nurses were wonderful, providing help with both mental health and baby issues. All patients had to engage in a course that involved cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), and our babies would be in the care of the nurses during that time. I enjoyed the course as it distracted my mind from my chaotic thoughts.

One day, I had an image in my head of hurting Gracie. Even though I didn’t think I’d do anything in the image, I was so shocked I told a nurse. Gracie slept with the nurses for a few nights while I slept upstairs in another ward. However, I had time with Gracie during the day. I felt reassured that my baby was being looked after so well.

Being psychotic can be incredibly frightening and disorienting. Allowing bonding between a mother and baby is still essential for the well-being of both. More mothers should be able to access the treatment I had access to in the private hospital. It is Western Australia that has set the standard of care with a state-of-the-art public mother and baby mental health unit in Australia.

“Catatonic,” “My Decision,” “Reunited” and “Becoming Non-Psychotic” are posts of mine that tell my postnatal psychosis story in greater detail and include issues such as how I became psychotic, the “decision” to stop breastfeeding, hyper-religiosity and other topics.

For further information, visit:

King Edward Memorial Hospital Women and Newborn Health Service

PANDA

The Royal Women’s Hospital

beyondblue

This post originally appeared on Two Angels and a Black Dog.

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. You can reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741.

We want to hear your story. Become a Mighty contributor here.

Image via Thinkstock.