postpartum rage

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I Can't Afford To Lose Me Again

I saw a instagram reel about a woman being asked if she's going to have more kids and with everyquestion she was asked, she stated "I can't afford to lose me again".

"I can't afford to lose me again" hit me HARD.

With our first son I experienced #PostpartumDepression and #PostpartumAnxiety along with some #PostpartumRage . I was diagnosed with it at 6 months postpartum.

2 years later we had our second boy and postpartum depression and rage hit me even harder than the first time, undiagnosed this time around. My patience wears thin with having a baby whose usually always fussy while a 2 y/o is clinging to me and wanting attention, sleepless nights and having the stress of household chores being a stay at home mom.
Some days I want to cry (sometimes I do and days OK). Some days I want to just escape for the day. Some days I just want a bottle of wine and a bubble bath.
And some days I just don't want to have a mom free title for a day. I am currently working through all my emotions and hope it slowly gets better. It's a process that takes time.


You always see comments about mothers who suffer with postpartum issues that read "you need to appreciate having children", "you need to be more understanding with your children", "your children need you", etc...but you never see support for the mothers who are experiencing postpartum depression, anxiety and rage.

Being a mother is hard, but even harder when you're dealing with disorders. I knew being a mom wasn't an easy task, but I also never thought I'd be the one to fall into postpartum disorders. I always thought I'd be the perfect mom, the happiest mom and the fun mom.

A mother's mental health matters.
Don't feel guilty needing breaks.
Don't feel guilty not wanting to be a mom for a day.
Don't feel guilty for not wanting more kids.
Don't feel guilty for not feeling like yourself or being the so called "best mom".

Taking care of yourself is part of taking care of your kids.

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My Experience With Postpartum Rage and Depression

When you imagine someone with depression , you imagine them crying a lot, maybe sleeping a lot. I never imagined them angry, but anger and rage can be symptoms of depression , postpartum depression , other mood disorders and postpartum disorders. Before I went through severe postpartum depression , most people even closest to me would not describe me as someone with a temper. My husband, maybe at times, like when we fought, but even then, nothing like the postpartum rage I had at times. People would mostly describe me as happy and bubbly, even when I was pregnant. I honestly think sleep deprivation was the main contributor to my rage because it was the worst in the middle of the night, when my daughter would not sleep, and therefore I did not sleep. This made me so angry because I was so exhausted, and the angry person I was becoming made me even angrier, a vicious cycle. I wanted to be happy and bubbly again. I felt like I was being the worst version of myself for my daughter and I did not know how to change it. I also showed the rage only at home, usually around my husband and daughter where I felt the most comfortable. Unfortunately, we often take it out on those closest to us for this reason. This is the main reason my marriage almost ended, and this is what I felt the most guilt for when it came to how I treated my daughter postpartum . However, now she is almost 13 and does not even remember those moments. I have also told her about them and she understands as much as a 12-year-old can, or honestly at 12, it seems like she understands better than most adults, and I hope that never changes. Since then, of course, I have found healthier ways to take things out, or to deal with them before they come out in the form of rage. I do not think I am the happy bubbly person I was before my depression . I am pretty often — I mean, I am a preschool teacher — but not as happy and bubbly as I used to be, and I don’t say that as a bad thing. I do not bottle up my emotions all day anymore and only let them out at home. I was not intentionally doing that before — more subconsciously really, I think — but I of course learned this was not the healthiest thing for me or those around me. Also, when my husband and I do argue, which is a lot less these days than even before my postpartum depression and definitely a lot less than in the midst of it, there is not as much built up as before, and I don’t think I even have the temper I had in fights that I did before — although he may say otherwise, but don’t listen to him. Don’t listen to him about how many Amazon packages I order, either. I used to have such a head-in-the-clouds view of the world and since that world has been shattered, I have become more of a realist. I honestly hate it sometimes and wish I could be in the clouds again. I try to get closer to that again the more time that has passed, but I am still so scared to get knocked out of the clouds again and for that rage to return. I honestly do not think it ever would as strongly though, because I have been knocked down before, and it took a while, but I was able to get back up.