Postpartum

I’ve never spoken about this before. But when I was postpartum with my baby, I was so sleep deprived and low support, that I started to have auditory hallucinations and strange delusions. There was one time that I didn’t know what time of year it was, what day. It was like I couldn’t process the concept. I would hear things and just ignore it and see shadows out of the corners of my eyes. I always thought there was something darting around the room it was actually annoying because I could never catch a look at it. Strange impending feelings of doom, being scared to fall asleep for whatever reason. There was this one time that my husband at the time I thought was against me and tricking me to go to sleep like I can barely remember but for some reason I thought they were out to get me and like they thought I was crazy and wanted me to go to sleep so they could get away with something with the baby (my mom and him). It felt like I couldn’t breathe all the time I wa so anxious and couldn’t sleep if I heard my baby cry or would think I heard her crying all the time and would come down to see if she was and she would have been sound asleep. Or have nightmares of her crying. I don’t know if this is just sleep deprivation or psychosis but there it is.

I kept having this weird fear of falling asleep it kept me from falling asleep it was so so miserable I can’t even understand the reasoning now

#PostpartumAnxiety #PostpartumDepression #PostpartumDisorders #PTSD

#Anxiety . I’ve been staying at my daughters because I broke my right hand and am missing most of my left hand due to a birth defect. Mostly she’s been very caring, helping me and taking me to appointments and helping with tasks it is difficult or impossible to do. But twice in the last couple of weeks I’ve been here, she’s vehemently accused me of gaslighting. Apparently her new therapist diagnosed me as gaslighting her. Or she lied to her. I don’t know. If I disagree with her about anything, she flares up. This is a relationship that has been very difficult. My bipolar II changed into Bipolar 1 after postpartum kicked it into overdrive. I am already wanting to leave especially when she has said three times “we need to establish an end date for you to be here” and then when I say ok, she accuses me of getting all better (not so) and leaving when I don’t need her, and upsetting the kids. I’m not arguing or saying anything to or around the kids. My car is in the shop near here (I live 45 miles away), so I have no car until 9/6. I’m told to call my son, who she has always said I favored, or she’ll drop me off at my apartment (alone and with no car). I have agreed to go if she wants me to but that is completely turned around as though I’m leaving on purpose,etc thanks for listening. I’m 70 and my daughter is 36. If I have to I’ll stay with my son. Never again at her house. #BipolarDepression

I have so much on my mind. I want to share with the world but at the same time just hide away because I don’t think anybody really cares. I feel like such a burden to anybody in my life anymore. But then I question if it’s me who’s making me feel this way? And I know it is and lately I definitely feel like I have somewhat pushed all the people away from me that I love and known for so long and cared for. I feel like I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I can’t even put on a fake smile and pretend that I’m having a good time anymore. I think I fear the truth that people think vial of me and especially after giving birth, i especially feel that postpartum and BPD have progressed in a way that I’m not sure if I care to get better… because I’ve driven everyone away. Why would anyone want to keep me around? I know I used to be such a happy, bubbly, outgoing person and dreamt about being a comedian or something big that was inspiring that would make people want to do the same thing.
But I think because of my past that I allowed myself to do wrongful things and realizing those mistakes and working on them. That maybe I’ve become too much of an open book to the people around me or maybe I’ve just been so focused on my negative aspects that it has driven people away. So writing this out is helping me realize that if I just focus on the positive achievements and be content with that alone. I shouldn’t feel so bad about myself anymore and people would want to come around me more? Cause I’ve moved on from thinking about all those things of myself. So if don’t think of that of myself and rather better things. Then people will do the same?

Oh but then here comes anxiety and overthinking when I do try to get out of my comfort zone or go back to do what I did before I had a kid. Then, I ruin the entire moment and just give people more reasons to leave me and I’m back to square one.

Why do I keep going in this loop? It’s like “You’re doing good! Wait no you’re not. You never were doing good.” It’s like I literally take one step forward then 10 steps back cause I’m scared. I don’t know what I’m scared of. Scared of myself? Scared of what I’m capable of?
And I’m just trying to talk to myself into thinking that I should be more scared that I’m not looking up to myself and the future that I know am capable of achieving, as much as I really should be. I should be so scared that I didn’t make that move or just fucking go for it cause it’s the next best magical feeling ever and it’ll help me progress so much further and fuck whatever anyone else has to say on what I do or say. I love me and my mess. My mess is what makes me human and everyone makes mistakes and I just don’t want to feel like I’m oversharing either. But where can I put my thoughts and is there anyone out there that flips like this so much? That they get so angry at themselves, so deeply that your chest hurts and your eyes burn from crying? Cause you feel like such a odd ball to be around or don’t fit in the world?
Lately I’ve been told I’ve been doing so much better and that I have been doing better for a while. Especially coming out of the family that I do come from..
I just keep going back on thinking that people can read right through me right away. Without even saying a thing. Like I know I didn’t grow up in the best of circumstances and hence why I am the person I am today. But there’s so many vicious cycles in my family I feel like I’ve taken a burden on myself to break every single one of them and going back to help them realize and break those cycles too. I don’t want to just see myself grow, I want to see my family all be happy and loving again. But being around any of my memebers, seems like I always go backwards mentally and just so negative and gross. I almost feel like we have some bad family curse?
But I’m willing to do whatever it is and whatever answer I need to find, to get better. Get rid of these demons, thoughts, feelings and just let go. Let it all wash away and feel the relief of peace again.
I just want to be happy. Happy for my son. For my fiance and I actually know who is a wonderful father of our child. And I should humble myself and realize that I’m the one that finds ways to jeopardize our relationship as in finding ways to fight or just not be happy with myself in any way so I want him to feel the same about me. Because with bpd I just automatically assume that he is interested in other woman or never wanted to be with me in the first place. I always go back to what my mom has always called me since I was born, an oops. So I feel like an oops in anybody’s life like I’m not supposed to be here. So I’ll find ways to make myself a push over and make people feel not as bad to leave me because I don’t deserve to have anybody in my life. I believe at least. I don’t believe I should be a mother but I’m so blessed to have the amazing, smart, funny loving son that I have. My baby Smiles Miles. ❤️
But I also want to be happy, even for my immediate family, even though they’ve hurt me so bad. I just want to be happy.
I’m sure my group is out there somewhere and I may sound like a lunatic to some people, but I hope there is some that can catch my drift? And maybe help each other somehow get out of this “loopy doopy hole” way of thinking? Live a life full of greatness and prosper together? Bring hope and joy back into the equation starting with understanding, humblness, and even celebrating mental healing?
Or any other ideas of what growing in a positive direction as a society, would like? How do you cope with things alone, knowing that sometimes you can be very hard to be around for anybody?
Cause I know I’ve made myself a bad person but I do believe in change and that I can do better. I’m willing to share my story, but that also means being truthful and being able to realize where I’m wrong and getting myself set straight again. I’ve proven myself that I can be good but I’ve proven myself that I can also be wrong.
I just want to get on the good side of things again. Find my people that maybe hey, we’ve done some fucked of shit. But doesn’t mean we can’t make life better than what we think it seems?
Or maybe I’m just a hopeless thinker?
Should I just make a YouTube video and just go on a rant with every thought that is running through my mind? How does someone cope with all of these emotions and just a jumble of everything but nothing all at once?
Should I just write a book and even if it might sound like mumbo jumbo like this post? Would my voice actually help in any way or in just another replaceable being that anybody can just do that?
I don’t know. I’m just trying to find reason to live at this point and even if I have had a past in my own way. Would people still listen and want to actually see growth together? Who? And how can we do it together?
I don’t know. I’m not trying to sound like I’m some kind of motivational speaker either. These are just some very intrusive thoughts that I just need to spew. I have no schooling but have recently signed up to get a masters in psychology and social sciences. So there’s a start! I just want to be able to also share my knowledge along the way and hope to inspire people too.

Hello, and Happy New Year!

I am in the process of setting up a virtual support group for expecting and postpartum moms. The Mamas Haven will be it's name and it will be held weekly. You can drop in whenever you need support and connection. Who would be interested in attending? Please comment below if you are interested! I will add you to a list and invite you when the group is up and running!

#PostpartumDisorders #MentalHealth #OtherMentalHealth #PostpartumDepression #PostpartumAnxiety

Part 1 of 2 Sometime in 2022, I started bleeding and just I didn’t stop.

It would help to have a little background. At that time, I was a 43 year old woman with 2 children. I was newly divorced and trying to feel very hot, and very datable. I mean, I was wearing lingerie!

And then one day, my period came, and it just didn’t stop.

When I say “didn’t stop”, I mean this was a mess. Postpartum levels of carnage. I was soaking through tampons and pads, and I could hardly leave the house. And those little thong bodysuits I had recently acquired? Please.

This was unusual for me, so I made an appointment with an OBGYN. We thought that perhaps the stress of my divorce had thrown my cycle off. She had me wait it out. Weeks later; I was dizzy, depressed, and exhausted. I went into urgent care and I told the doctor that every woman on my maternal side has had some sort of cancer. (I was so afraid that I was a newly single parent, and now I also had cancer. It felt like a ‘universe piling on’ type of situation. This was not a chill time for me.)

They did tests. Pelvic exams, uterine biopsies. Those seemed to be clear, and what my gynecologist eventually said to me changed my life. She said, “Well, Natalie, you’re 43. This might simply be perimenopause.”

This was not welcome news. I thought I was way too young for menopause, I didn’t actually understand what perimenopause was, and I had no idea what my next move ought to be.

So, I went home and did some digging.

Turns out, 43 is exactly the right age for the first stages of menopause to creep in. Our ovaries are slowing down, and our entire body can be affected. The symptoms might look different for lots of folks, but most of us will have some shared experiences. (I’m using ‘symptoms’ because menopause is caused by a hormone deficiency, and even though it happens to everyone with certain reproductive parts- I’ve learned more and more about ways that we can actually treat it.)

It’s very possible that nobody will tell us this is about to happen. Unlike pregnancy, women don’t tend to talk to each other about menopause. Doctors don’t tend to give us a head’s up that we can start looking out for signs and symptoms. Largely, we will feel unseen and unsupported as we try to navigate a very intense change that half of the human population is scheduled to go through.

1. Your cycle will change. Less frequent or sporadic periods are common, but what is also common is relentless bleeding. When you walk around and see 40-50 year old women going about their business, it’s very possible that many of them have been bleeding for months and months, without relief. Fun!

2. You gain weight! Hormones do so much to control our weight and metabolism, and even small changes can make a big difference. Quite suddenly, most of your clothes might not fit, and your decades old diet and exercise habits might not be working for you. Belly weight seems to be the most common- I’ve given away a lot of pants this year.

3. Your vagina will change. Mine became more sensitive, generally. I need more gentleness during any genital contact but especially during penetration, I’m much more prone to yeast and BV, and for the first time in my life, I constantly need to use lubricant. My body feels tender, and I’m learning to treat it with the care it now needs.

The more openly I talk about perimenopause- both to friends and on social media- the more symptoms I’m made aware of. Brain fog, fatigue, anxiety, lack of sleep, gut issues, food and alcohol intolerance, memory loss, body aches- the list goes on. It’s mostly women who are experiencing these symptoms, and women are notorious for soldiering through pain and discomfort (out of necessity), so it really takes a lot for many women to open up about what’s happening with them. For many of us, it takes multiple doctor visits, and often even switching doctors, to receive decent information and care.

As some of us have been doing this leg work, I think it’s helpful to share what we’ve found. For me, here are some treatments that have saved my quality of life during this time.

1. Hormone replacement therapy. That’s right- HRT is for everyone, and it can save lives! To control my own bleeding; I tried Estradiol, a hormonal birth control pill, and a hormonal IUD. None of those helped (and in fact, the IUD led to constant bacterial infection and discomfort). What eventually has helped is Synd, an oral contraceptive containing only drospirenone, which is a progestin. I’ve been taking Slynd for 3 months, and besides some initial weight gain, I haven’t noticed negative side effects. A very positive side effect has been stopping menstruation, which is significant for me due to the distressingly heavy bleeding I was experiencing. I have n

So here’s my autoimmunity story- had food poisoning in 2006, they discovered my Hashimotos in that hospital stay. I had no clue, thought it was postpartum truly. A quick year later I was in so much pain I sought out a rheumatologist bc my mom had RA . Sure enough, I had that too, also found type 2 diabetes. Later on I was told I have fibromyalgia as well. I have also been through the wringer with every symptom of MS, but no brain lesions. I am 54 and now that I have every disc bulging or herniated they say I have degenerative disc disease.

As you embark on this incredible journey of transitioning into #Motherhood #Motherhood and becoming a parent, it's important to remember that having a strong and supportive partner can make all the difference. The number one #hack for being a parent and alleviating the challenges of #postpartum is choosing a good partner to begin with.

While this realization may come after having kids for many of us, it's crucial to seek out character traits that indicate a person's ability to be a true teammate in parenting. In this article, we'll explore the importance of finding the right partner and how it can positively impact your parenting experience.

The Power of Partnership

Parenting is a lifelong commitment, spanning over 18 years of your life. It's crucial to consider the long-term implications of choosing a partner who will be an integral part of making your daily life more manageable.

From the beginning, we should prioritize the desire for a true partnership and a teammate who will support us not only during #Pregnancy but also throughout the period and beyond.

Identifying the Right Traits

Finding a partner with the right traits is essential for a successful parenting journey. Consider the following qualities when choosing a partner:

Communication and Empathy:

A partner who excels in communication and empathy will create a nurturing environment for your growing family. They will be there to listen, understand, and provide emotional support when you need it most.

Shared Values and Goals:

Finding a partner who shares your core values and parenting goals will ensure a harmonious upbringing for your children. Aligning on important issues such as discipline, education, and family values is key to creating a cohesive parenting strategy.

The Crucial Role of a Supportive Partner in the #postpartum Period

The #postpartum period, particularly the first six months, can be an intense and challenging time for new mothers. #hormonal fluctuations, sleep deprivation, physical recovery, and adjusting to the demands of caring for a newborn can feel overwhelming. Having a supportive partner during this time can make the transition into #Motherhood that much easier.

A supportive partner understands that is a period of adjustment and exhibits patience and empathy. They validate your feelings and thoughts related to the changes of becoming a mother, offering reassurance and understanding when you need it most.

They actively participate in caring for the baby, easing the burden on you as a new mother. From diaper changes to late-night feedings, a supportive partner is willing to help as much as possible with the baby, allowing you to get much-needed rest and self-care.

Additionally, a supportive partner recognizes the importance of taking care of you as a mother. They understand that when you are well-rested, emotionally supported, and nurtured, you can better care for your baby. They encourage you to prioritize self-care and provide the necessary support to make it happen.

Modeling Healthy #Relationships

As parents, we play a vital role in shaping our children's understanding of relationships. By modeling a healthy and respectful partnership, we can teach them the qualities to seek in a future partner.

Even if your current partner doesn't possess all the desired traits, it's essential to have open conversations with your children about what's important in a partner. This will empower them to make informed decisions in their own lives.

Nurturing Your #relationship

Maintaining a strong and fulfilling partnership requires investing time and effort into nurturing your relationship.

Carve out quality time together and prioritize self-care as individuals to strengthen your bond as parents. Recognize that #Parenthood is a shared responsibility.

Encourage open communication about parental duties, delegate tasks, and provide support to each other to ensure a balanced and harmonious parenting experience.

Building a Strong #Parenting Team

A strong parenting team relies on open and effective communication. Your partner should be someone with whom you can discuss parenting challenges, share responsibilities, and find solutions together. This collaborative approach fosters a sense of unity and strengthens your bond as parents.

Recognize the importance of balancing parenting responsibilities. A supportive partner actively contributes to household chores, childcare tasks, and daily routines, ensuring that the load is shared equitably. This balance allows both parents to feel supported and appreciated.

During the journey of motherhood, emotional support from your partner is invaluable. They offer a listening ear, a comforting presence, and words of encouragement. Their unwavering support helps you navigate the ups and downs of motherhood with confidence and resilience.

As you embark on your journey into parenthood, remember that choosing the right partner is the ultimate parenting hack. By seeking a partner who embodies the traits of a supportive teammate, you can create a nurturing environment for your child's growth and development.

Remember, it's never too late to model the kind of parent you want your children to have and to have open discussions about what's important in a partner. With the right partner by your side, your parenting experience will be enriched, and you'll be better equipped to navigate the joys and challenges of raising a child.

Parenthood is a beautiful adventure, and with a loving and supportive partner, you'll have an even greater chance to create lasting memories and forge a strong foundation for your family. Embrace this incredible opportunity and enjoy the journey together!

Hi, my name is Megan Stander. I'm here because I had a difficult postpartum experience due to my anxiety and depression diagnosis as well as having a rare breastfeeding disorder called Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex (DMER). My goal is to help other pregnant and new moms prepare for and manage postpartum by offering information and advice.

#MightyTogether #Anxiety #Depression #Migraine #ADHD

I don't know how to help this person I know who might have postpartum or something similar she's having a hard time she's usually super positive very strong but this has knocked her down I don't know how to help even a little or what to say and not make worse.🙀😭🙏♥️😣😵🤯😱😓
#anxiety #Depression

If you have ever experienced psychosis, you are probably aware that what you KNOW and what you BELIEVE are two very different things.

All throughout my pregnancy, from beginning to now (he was about about four weeks old at the time of writing) I have had trouble bonding, connecting, and otherwise believing in my son’s existence.

Which, truly, is worrisome and slightly terrifying.

Is this just some elaborate hallucination? That’s what my brain tells me.

From the first visit at the birthing center where I shared my concerns with the midwives that this pregnancy wasn’t “real” – it was one of those pregnancies where I went through the whole process physically, but with no baby at the end – to during labor when he finally emerged and I kept asking “is he real?”, this whole experience has yet to connect properly in my brain.

The trauma after birth didn’t help matters – between a huge blood clot, hemorrhaging, and postpartum preeclampsia – but recovery is a work in progress.

How I Cope with the Psychosis:

-I’ve surrounded myself with support, for one. There is rarely a time when no one is available to help

-Breastfeeding, cuddling my son, and skin to skin contact don’t make my son feel any more real, but they do seem to help keep my psychosis from getting worse.

-Honesty with my care team (midwives, psychiatrist, and probably a therapist soon) about what is happening so I can be properly cared for and medicated as needed

-Walking away (with my son left in good hands) when needed is invaluable. Although I have not in any way felt aggression or anger towards my son, sometimes a meltdown happens, and it’s easier to recover from a meltdown when you AREN’T holding a crying infant.

Next Steps:

As hard as it is to gather the motivation to breastfeed and otherwise care for an infant that my brain tells me doesn’t truly exist, I rely on my support system (primarily the people I live with) to help encourage and push me to do what needs to be done. When I simply cannot function, communication with my support people is key.

If you are going through something similar, please, surround yourself with as many supportive people that you can be fully open and honest with as you can. Their help can make or break your pregnancy and later your ability to function when caring for your newborn.

Have you gone through a pregnancy or birth while experiencing psychosis? Were you able to properly bond with your child later? Please let me know in the comments. I’m still holding out hope that this mental state isn’t forever.