To the Person Who Told Me I Was 'Too Smart' to Self-Harm

To the person who told me I was too smart to self-harm:

I always wear long sleeves. Always. Even when it is 90 degrees outside, I will still put a hoodie over my t-shirt to hide the scars that line my arms right down to my wrists. I guess I rolled up my sleeves to wash my hands at work the other day when you saw the streaks on my forearms. You looked from my arms to my eyes and said, “Oh honey, you’re too smart to do that to yourself.” Ashamed, I quickly pulled down my sleeves, gave you a half smile and walked away, pushing back the tears that began to form in my eyes.

I am not proud of the scars that line my arms, hence why they are always hidden. These scars came about during the darkest days of my life, and I still, to this very day, struggling with self-injurious behaviors. But intelligence has nothing to do with why I or any other person struggles with self-harm. Just think about how much pain a person must be in to injure their skin. Think about how numb a person must feel to inflict pain upon him or herself.

I first self-harmed almost three years ago. I was struggling with depression in college and I just had an appointment with a doctor who basically told me all my ailments were in my head. I was crushed. I felt so much pain and I just wanted to escape for a while. So I harmed myself. The sensation brought so much relief and I quickly found myself in the addictive pattern of self-harm.

Now, I am double majoring in Music and Psychology, so I have already been through many Psychology courses in college explaining the addictive pattern behind self-injurious behaviors. I knew before the first time I did it how bad this behavior could be, but I did so anyway. You see, depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), numbness, anger — it all blinds you from the harsh reality of self-harming. Yes, I had the intelligence concerning these behaviors but I wasn’t seeing clearly, and I still struggle to see clearly.

So intelligence has nothing to do with self-harming. You could be the smartest person in the world, yet if you struggling with any mental illness, you could be blinded into thinking self-harming is the answer. So please, don’t tell me I am too smart to self-harm. I am already ashamed of the scars that line my arms. I am embarrassed that I still struggle with self-harm. I am scared I will never be able to stop. I need your support, not your judgment.

Sincerely,

A girl fighting to stop self-harming.