This Is What Trying to 'Feel Alive' Feels Like

Some days, I’m numb. At my very core, I am hollow. I don’t feel things like I should. What some people might be excited, happy or joyful about is not the case for me.

I knew a long time ago there was something wrong. I searched for love because I wanted to be loved and to feel it. But failed. I longed for it, but I knew I couldn’t feel it the way it should of been felt. I longed for connection. When my nephew or goddaughter was born, I held them. I looked into their eyes, but yet nothing. I questioned everything because of those little uncomfortable moments I had with my mother or father, telling me they loved me, those times when I held a baby or even when my ex-fiancé told me they loved me. I felt nothing. I questioned my sanity. I didn’t feel present.

But then there were days I felt everything. I felt over-exhausted with a sick feeling in my stomach, physical pain radiating over my body and weight holding me down in my bed. I feel this the most. When I wake in the morning and before I go to sleep, I cry. I dread the next day ahead of me. I just want the pain and suffering to end.

When I think about wanting to end it, my anxiety sky rockets. I shake uncontrollably, I get a sharp pain going through my chest and the little voice in my head gets louder. It practically screams in my ears. It’s so loud, I cover my ears and pace back in forth, telling myself I’m OK. The doctors tell me I have major depressive disorder and anxiety, but it seems like each medication I tried didn’t work. So, I began distrusting the health care system and self-harming instead.

When I’m feeling numb, I just beg to feel. When I’m hurting, I just want a release and to shift the pain to somewhere else. I am not condoning self-sabotaging your own body. We are meant to salvage our bodies, to love them as we love those before us. It’s just when I’m at my breaking point, I do it before I have a chance to do something else. Because sometimes, I don’t want to live. But other times, I want to live for those in my life. I continue to try my hardest, even when I lose control. I continue to seek for help, even though self-harming feels right to me. But I hope there is a day in the near future I won’t resort to self-harming. When that day comes, I’ll be strong enough to handle it on my own.