#sensitivetopics #suicidalthoughtsandtendancies
Hi, I'd like some help. I am a guy in my mid teens and second year of high school. I have been suffering with anxiety and depression for as long as I can remember. I have also been bullied since around the third grade. I have four friends that i'd say i was close with. A few other people I can call friends but I wouldnt say were too close. The main reason I get bullied is that i'm a "gamer weeb" and most people think most of my time is spent sitting on the couch playing games or watching anime/reading manga. The guys call me names and hurt me and the girls stay well away from me. All the people around me, even my friends, are all moving on and making their own paths through life. Finding lovers, going to parties, getting jobs, ect. And no matter how much I try, I can't. I feel like i'm a burden to everyone. I told my friend about my depression and anxiety but it felt like he was giving fake sympathy. I'm not proud to admit but I have tried to take my life many times, but as you can tell by me writing this.. I stopped in the nick of time. I keep getting the feeling that I am supposed to be elsewhere. This feeling has lead to me exploring lucid dreaming and even forced sleep paralysis. Both things were terrible. During sleep paralysis I was attacked by a spider and lucid dreaming lead to me in a huge crowed being shuned and beaten by the people I called friends. This has lead to my wanting to distance myself from them. I don't want to go to a doctor. I don't wanna ask for help. I want to beat this alone, and it's probably due to my family not helping me when I was younger and making me do everything not just for them but for myself too. I've made my own food since early childhood, and never showered or shaved with any help. My hygiene could be better but I don't smell, I use deorderant and wash my hair and body. I'm a little overweight but not by a lot, only about twenty pounds. I can't really run due to asthema and this helps with the taunting and bullying. I just want to be important to people and be loved by someone. I just want to be happy and not this sad, depressed, lump of flesh I am now. I want to be able to protect my friends and find a passion in life to persue, but I need to relieve myself of these shackles caused by anxiety and depression. Please.. someone help me..