serverlife

Yesterday I was supposed to work 11-3/5-10. I felt strange upon waking. Angry and over whelmed and I just woke up. I made myself coffee with kratom and smoked a little herb. I was like "okay Beth, you can do this". Upon entering work I found out that something I absentmindedly left out almost caused a kitchen fire. My manager laughed and said just don't put that up there anymore. An electrician is on the way" I continued waiting on my customers. The other server was off on her phone somewhere. I burned my finger pretty badly on a hot skillet. Rush was over and I just broke down in tears. It was 2:45 and I told my manager I can't work the evening shift too. I'm sorry. I went to get an ice cream and to bed. I knew my customer service would be affected by my mood. I felt like my brain was rushing too fast I felt like I had tunnel vision. I was just out of sorts. I came home thinking I would sleep right away but I just laid there staring off into space. I may have dozed off a few times. My head felt like a bobble head. My neck feels like it can't hold up my head. My partner whom is very supportive came home from work and we just went to sleep. I'm awake now feeling a little better. Its Fri night. I must go to work. The restaurant business doesn't just stop because I have an off day. I didn't want my guests to suffer. I made 101.00 yesterday at lunch. The other server made 30.00 when I left. I just am trying to figure out how you can be such a bad server and still have a job. Oh yeah nepotism. I'm going to finish my morning ritual of staying up with Joshua until he goes to work then lay here and shower at 4 just to slide into at 5p for my dinner shift. My g.m knows I have anxiety because his wife is an RN and has anxiety and depression and works at a local hospital. I don't know if I'm comfortable enough to disclose I have bipolar disorder yet. Previously I've only told 3 other employers and I still talk to those old bosses. It's probably better to come clean then to let them think I'm on drugs or something. I'm nervous but i think I will email my gm. #BipolarDepression #serverlife

It's hard being Bipolar. It's hard on the person affected daily but also ur family doesn't ask for this.. your children, your mom and grandparents want to know what they did wrong. Nothing! We r born this way. It's especially hard for people that want to love u romantically and u make damn sure they can't. I purposely have driven people off, ghosted them, caused such a scene they had no choice but to leave me. It took me being alone, reflecting, tons of fired therapist and medication I refuse to take now. I'm not violent. Never have been. I take so much from the world I explode at the very most improper times and on the people that try with me. Today isn't my worst day but it's ranking in the top 10 of moments I recall over the years. I flat out told my current partner within 10 instant messages this is hell. This is something we learn to adapt into the world of people that are dubbed normal. It's hell on the patient, the families, care givers, fuck idk how the few decent men I've picked even wanted to try. I made sure that they couldn't. There are woman that are legit attention whores and try to be controlling CRAZY just to get a reaction. I'm not that. Every day I learn something new in the world. I also learn something new about 2/3 x a month about my illness. It's scary. I'm not alone. The invention of social media has many downfalls like so many, but it also has made me know that whether in canada, australia or alaska there is someone like me. That is so relieving when ur 23 year old therapist says your their first for whatever symptom u display that day. Oh no sweetie I'm not. Today is not my best day. I also vocalized that and some pretty other insane ramblings to my partner. I know he gets depress3d , I know he's a nervous person. Some of our quirks are even the same. We laugh a whole lot which is wonderful but sometimes I say or do things that no one knows what to respond to. I get" I love you don't forget that. It's okay. Please be okay. I know I don't understand completely but I still love you" my lastest excuse is it's not fair to you or anyone else to deal with this. That didn't work either. Maybe he genuinely does love me. I love him. I hope it's an equal amount. The doubt The doubt is my biggest concern. The first one that does try to overstep my feelings and chaos inside. Who literally doesn't know what to say and is quiet and just hold my hand or my hair and lets me ramble. It's not always gonna be like that I'm very sure of that. When my honesty from the get go was probably my biggest mistake. No one says "hi. How are you feeling today? Just so u know I'm Bipolar and it sucks" if I was considered a " normies" I would have bolted. I know. Hopefully he doesn't but I have to expect any partner to. I should not give any relationship romantic wise a 5 year cap. I do though. Not because I want to fail. Inevitable that it does. I'm afraid. Of myself. I make terrible humor about myself and my past. You have to. I'm funny sometimes even.