I'm losing myself again
I want to die is the only word that drift threw my mind, as I ach of numbness, sadness, worthlessness, stomach knots and a ball in my throat. Is it my fault I'm going crazy or is it just my mind, I feel useless I feel unwanted and I feel as if everyone would be better without me, but yet I'm still hear because the other side of me knows that this is all in my head and every breath I take is as important as my last. So why, why is it so easy to think I dont want to be here over the pros of life, it's not because I want to die, it's because I want the pain to end I dont want to feel lifeless, tired, and worthless anymore. These meds only do so much you know, my doctor telling me to call as soon as I have a bad day because she thinks upping the dose will help. I hate taking medication, I hate needing to depend on something so small to keep me from thinking the unthinkable, ohh and dont get me started on the anxiety! waves of overthought thoughts run threw my mind and the mix of the both is like a battle between my sub concious twins how can you care so much yet care so little to nothing at the same time. I'm quiet because every word I speak I feel like I am not heard or it just doesnt matter, I'm tired of feeling like the whole world is on top of me crushing my chest making it tighter and tighter, until I have a panic attack and feel like passing out. I get told my life is easy and theres nothing to be upset about, and I know this! You walk in my steps for 6 months and tell me you dont feel like your going insane or want to rip your hair out because your so fed up with all the thoughts and emotionless feelings, being quiet and breaking on the inside while my demons eat away at every little bit of life I have left! I dont want to feel this way anymore, I have a life I want to live but I feel attached to chains I cant free myself from even on the days I'm so called free I'm still attached to a ball I half to drag behind me with the reminder them chains are still attached and I'm not going very far. How can you love yourself when you hate yourself so much! I'm drifting into the pain I suffer from enough, its numb yet I have a tiny butterfly of emotion fluttering away inside my stomach, but its just my anxiety. I think to myself I am strong yet my demands fight back and tell me how worthless I am!
I want to die, but my life is worth living, not wanting to feel the pain is a dream, yet reality burns a hole into my happiness once its here to long
#Depression #Anxiety #spirling #Falling #numb #herewegoagain