numb

So I had this close friend whom I confided to about every belief, thought and even deep seeded trauma . Our relationship was strictly friendship although we both knew we were attracted to each other, nothing went beyond being confidants to each other. However, our connection went deeper, it’s as if we’ve known each other from past lives? Familiar soul? Call it what it is.

Around November 2020, he got some news regarding one of his family members. He was distraught, but didn’t delve into it. I had a feeling it was regarding his mom. I tried to offer a shoulder but he lashed out in anger instead, saying a lot of hurtful stuff, throwing my trauma back to my face. In short saying I deserved what bad things happened to me. I blocked his number, I thought that was the end of that.

Around July 2021, he tried to reach out to me. Voicemails saying he missed me, even though he’s blocked he was able to leave me voicemails. I didn’t respond for a while, I was really contemplating if I should or not. I missed him too, I also missed talking to him but the words he told me can never be forgotten. It hurt me to the core.

It wasn’t until January 2022 that I finally responded to one of his attempts. I asked if he remembered the last conversation we had. According to him he said he did and apologized, said he didn’t mean any of those words and was spoken out of anger. I forgave him but told him to forget he ever knew me. I was laying my boundaries down and I cannot let someone speak to me or about me the way he did to be a part of my life moving forward. We lost communication.

September 2022, I found myself thinking about him out of nowhere, playing the last conversation in my head. Have I made a mistake? No matter what I did to distract myself, the thought of him kept coming in. I gave in and looked him up on social media, I then found out he had passed, suddenly, at 37 years old. I tried to read through the rest of the posts about the event, trying to figure out the cause. Nothing was said but that it was sudden as he had no health issues. Never met his family so it would’ve been awkward to reach out and ask.

I don’t even know what to feel now. Am I grieving? Is it guilt? Did he harm himself because of his mom and he was reaching out to me and I turned him away? It’s been a year now since I’ve learned the news but I find it hard to move on regardless because his passing date happens to share my son’s birthday. I’m just lost at this point, I don’t know how or what to feel.

#depressed #Grief #regret #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder

I find myself fantasizing about the best way to go, I want to give up, but I’m not a quitter

I’m depressed but I do have happy days

I’m lonely but I love my 3 best friends, they love me too?

I’m heartbroken, but my boyfriend says he loves me.

I’m burnt out, but I love my job.

I’m anxious, I’m functioning perfectly

Im overwhelmed but I can take a little bit more

Most days I can’t sleep, but I did have a perfect night yesterday.
I’m grieving, but that was over5 years ago

I’m an alcoholic, but I can go days or months without thinking about it.

I’m strong but today I’m breaking down

I should be grateful, they say, it will all go away.

#conflicting thoughts, #numb , #alone ?

I have always been too scared to share the details of my life. I have been scared of rejections, rebellion, and even of myself. I am scared that I will not be able to handle the things that I hold in. I am scared for the pain to get worst. I am scared for the pain to disappear. This pain makes me who I am. It makes me sad, depressed, and anxious. But, it also makes me strong, resilient, and motived. There is a piece of me that does not want to let that go. But, I need to in order to continuing living life. I can no longer keep living an unhappy life with anxiety, distrust, and anger. I want to be happy. I shouldn’t have to stay up late nights crying. Movies shouldn’t trigger me. I shouldn’t be triggered by things that so called normal people find entertaining. I should be happy during holidays and birthdays. But instead, I party and numb all the pain with drugs and alcohol. I go through life wishing I felt nothing. I do not want to die, but I wish to felt nothing at all. This isn’t how life should be. I want to feel. I am scared because I do not know how it feels to feel. And if everything gets better, will I be better? Will I ever be truly happy after disclosing my truth?

I don't understand why I am so desperately unhappy. I just got married. We just bought a house together. I've just been away for a few nights on holiday with my family (who I actually like spending time with) This should be the happiest time in my life. But here I am. Balling my eyes out. It feels like I'm never going to experience things like a normal person. It feels like this is it. This is how I will go through life. Either feeling completely #numb or painfully sad. This "sadness" cuts deeper than I know how to explain. It is to my core. I don't know what I need. I don't know what will make me happy. Not even happy, just... content. I've seen psychologists, I'm on antidepressants. I have an amazing support system. Nothing seems to help. Just feel like I'm a lost cause at this point. #Depression

I just read this article on The Might, that I found googling "mental health care for Moms", . I'm trying to not cry at work. This is me. I need this, I know it would change my life. It's not my 5 beautiful kiddos at home that is stopping me, because as the article mentioned...it was this or death...I really need to do something soon. Unfortunately, our family is barely holding it together financially. I couldn't afford this, I don't have health insurance either. Also, unfortunately, because of the mental state I am, I am not making the best decisions because I am just numb all the time. The ONLY thing keeping me going is my kids. I dream of being able to get away to an inpatient rehab for my mental health, and finally get the help I've needed since I was born. The thing is, I won't do it on my own. I just wont. I wish someone would force me to do it. I feel like a lot Moms are the same way. We need a mental health judge to say TIME OUT. I am court ordering you to do this but also providing a way for it to happen because forcing us and not giving us a way to do it successfuly wont help either. Anyways. I'm struggling. I want to enjoy life. I seriously have the best kids in the world. I want to see them grow up and live their beautiful lives.

Also, if one more person tells me I am strong and will get through this, I am going to lose it. I am NOT strong...but I want to be.

#numb

Woke Up feeling completely depressed I can seee how this day is going to go already ….definitely alone. And I wish people would quit messaging me telling me to go and Kms . . I wish I could talk to someone tell them what I can & feel 😭😩💔🖤 ): but I really don’t try to bother people by messaging them I don’t want to sit and anooy people.

Also Because I would post about my depression on a different app and I was struggling and I guess people got anooyed of listening to me struggling so I get told I am not needed and to kms! #Suicide #Selfharm #Loneliness #sad #Chat #BipolarDisorder #ughh #numb #tired 💔😫

#MajorDepressiveDisorder #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #sad #numb #CheckInWithMe

I don't know why but for at least the last 3-4 days I feel like I'm sinking. Like I'm barely keeping my head above water. I started noticing that I'm avoiding people and socialization in general, I'm isolating which always is a red flag when it comes to my mental health. I'm not having suicidal ideation. I'm just really depressed and I don't know why. I need to figure out a way out of this funk, but at the same time I feel like I deserve to be unhappy. I'm taking my meds as directed. Getting out of bed is hard, eating meals is hard, I feel like I'm forcing myself to do everything.

It's hard when you are numb. I don't feel. I have physical reactions that I think should be attached to feelings but they aren't. I think that from what I have observed from people. I only ever feel extremes. I can feel intense anger or intense joy (has rarely happened), but that's it. So, in days like today, when I find myself crying and in pain, but I cannot attach that to anything, I don't know how to help myself.
Am I the only one?
I know I have been feeling vulnerable the past few weeks, I know this because I rarely cry and when I want to it's hard to make myself cry. But this past week I have found myself quick to cry and randomly as well. If I let myself cry, I feel pain. Well, not feel it. It's hard to explain. My head feels tormented, like these dark clouds roll in and all there is is darkness. And then something strange happens. I feel uncomfortable, so much so I just want to scream and tear at my skin.
I know that I'm in pain, my soul is in pain. I don't know how to explain, I just know it as a fundamental truth. But, am I sad? I cannot tell. I am neutral. Am I joyful? I would say not. Am I scared or angry or irritated or hopeful or what? None of those. I don't think so. I don't feel anything. I am just neutral.

#numb #Vulnerable #Depression #CPTSD #ChildhoodTraumaSurvivors

Sometimes life seems to be just fine, almost not bad at all.
And then, there are the other days. Days like today. The worst of the worst days. I hate when that happens. I’m angry and pitiful at the same time. I just can’t function as a human today.
If you are having today a bad day as well, then know, that you are not alone and let’s hope, that tomorrow is a better day❤️
And for the rest of the day that’s left - I’m pretending that I am a rock. Or a leaf. Can’t decide.
#Depression #BadDay #numb