11 Funny, yet Somewhat Concerning 'Jokes' I Make at My Most Suicidal

One of my favorite quotes of all time from “Adventure Time” is when Princess Bubblegum says “All my jokes are cries for help.”

Back when I lived on Tumblr, I reblogged it at least three times a week because it’s true. I love telling jokes, and comedy plays this dual role in my life where it keeps me from crying, but also masks just how broken I sometimes truly feel. My jokes make my pain comfortable for the people around me, so they can never see just how bad I am.

Even though my life has gotten better on paper, I can’t shake the chronic passive suicidal ideation that’s as normal to me as breathing. At my most passive and least suicidal, my jokes range from “My existence is proof that people should utilize birth control more,” or “Another day where I opened my eyes to crisp blue skies and fresh air…dammit.” 

As dark as these jokes may be, they’re still fairly light (for me). At my most suicidal though? 

Well, sometimes jokes are just jokes, and other times they’re really not.

These are the exact jokes I make when I’m at my most suicidal:

1. “I’d say at least I’m alive, but currently that’s one of my biggest problems.”

2. “I wouldn’t say I have an overarching goal in life right now, other than to make sure they play Smash Mouth’s ‘All Star’ at my funeral when the time comes.”

3. “If– eh, when I die, can you play a pre-recorded voice recording in the coffin when no one is looking so it sounds like I’m not actually dead? Let’s give them a little hope before I crush em’ again one last time.”

4. “The only person more disappointed that I exist besides my old school bullies is me. If anything we’re on the same team. I wouldn’t care if I died tomorrow too.”

5. “If I died and went to heaven, do you think I’d be friends with Prince? The only thing that makes me want to stay alive more is the thought that Prince would hate me.”

6. “I’m just saying, if I’m gonna’ die, it’d have to be something so strangely chaotic and weird so people wouldn’t even be sad. They’d just be like ‘Bro..what? That’s how she died?’”

7. “Another day on God’s green earth. That’s so petty of him.”

8. “My goal is to be so annoying that God questions how the Hell I made it into Heaven.”

9. “See, you say you’ll miss me but will you? Really? Yeah, I didn’t think so.’”

10. “The only people who have less regard for my life than me is the United States justice system.”

11. “I really wish I were dead…what? I’m joking!”

I’ve mastered the art of comedic timing and vocal inflections to throw everyone off my trail. The only alternative to harming myself at times is just to joke about it. At first more people caught on to my game, and they’d ask “Are you OK?” Now? I learned that if you do it long enough, no one realizes just how serious you are. 

I’m safe. I won’t do anything. I’m not leaving my dog alone, but when these jokes start coming out you know what’s on my mind, even if it’s nothing more than a dream that can never be realized.