A Letter to My Mother, Who Saved Me From Myself
Mom,
I tried to do it on my own. I really did. I went to my therapy. I took my meds, and I crashed and burned. The day my therapist called, told you I could no longer live on my own and you needed to help me, you jumped into action.
You moved me home. You took me to my appointments. You made sure I took my meds. You held me when I cried. You loved me when I couldn’t love myself. You slept with me when I wasn’t safe to sleep alone. You hid everything you could to make sure I couldn’t hurt myself.
Yet, I still found a way to try. You did your best to keep me safe, but I couldn’t hear past the voices telling me it would be best for everyone if I was dead. I wrote letters and tore them up, until I had one I liked. Then, I took the pills.
It was you who took me to ER, despite me fighting you. It was you who sat with me in the ER, while I tried to get out of bed time and time again, physically holding me down. It was you who came to visit me during every single visiting hour, even though I turned you away every time because I was so mad at you for sending me to the hospital.
It wasn’t you I was mad at. It was you who saved me. It is you who continues to save me every day. You loved at my lowest (and my highest) and have always been my rock. When I didn’t want to live, you gave me reason to live and to fight. If you loved me that much, then how could I leave you? Furthermore, what could have I possibly done to deserve such love? Yet, you gave your love, unconditionally.
You gave me a choice when I came home. You are not a tough love person, and for you to do this must have taken incredible strength: intensive outpatient treatment or nothing.
I fought you on this too. I didn’t need it, I said. I was better. You stayed strong, just like you had throughout the whole ordeal. And I went.
It changed my life. It saved me. You saved me.
I’m sorry I didn’t see it then, how empty your life would be without me. I’m sorry I didn’t see how I was tearing the family apart. Most of all, I’m sorry I pushed you away at my lowest when I needed you the most.
Now, six years later, everything I have accomplished, I owe to you: for not giving up on me, for not letting me quit and for not ever turning your back on me. Now, I know the signs of getting that low. Now, I have a better support system, which you are still an integral part of, but I have a partner, a wonderful man who loves me and will for the rest of my life.
Most importantly, I have life. For that, I thank you.
Always and forever,
Kiki
Follow this journey on Living Without Limits.
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If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.
If you need support right now, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. You can reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741.
Iris is somewhat of a unicorn — a zebra unicorn even! Born with a congenital heart condition, she survived two open heart surgeries before age 4. She was diagnosed with a mood disorder and anxiety in 2008. After recovering from several hospitalizations, she went on to get a B.A. in Child and Adolescent Development and then an M.A. in Psychology. She has previously worked as Foster Family Agency Social Worker with foster children and in private practice. Iris is also an Invisible Illness Warrior. Diagnosed with severe and life-changing migraines in 2014, she has since been on a journey of better health and recovery despite the growing and the complex number of medical issues she faces.
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