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Read This If You Can’t Imagine Being Happy to Still be Alive

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Editor's Note

If you experience suicidal thoughts, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741741.

Today I was the first time I was able to look back and say: “I’m glad I didn’t die that day.”

It wasn’t right away; it has taken time.

It has taken months of trial and error. Lessons learned and mistakes made.

I have seen the pity in someone else’s eyes when you tell them you almost or attempted to die by suicide. It’s a look no one easily forgets.

But I have also seen the concern, the fear, the understanding.

The understanding — that’s what has hit home the most.

It wasn’t the shame that’s brought with the pity. It wasn’t the anger that came after the realization my life would never be the same, that I would never be the same.

It was when I stood there, telling someone I loved, “I may not know exactly what you’re going through, but I’ve been there.”

When I found out someone close to me was seconds away from the same permanent action I was — when I realized I almost lost them.

I almost lost myself.

It isn’t going to be instant — hell, it might be years — but there will come a time when you can look back and say, I am glad I didn’t die then.

Sure, you may still be struggling, fighting for your life each and every day, yet that’s what makes it worth it. You’re still fighting. I am not going to promise it won’t be a struggle, that you will still want to be here.

One day, you’ll look back and think just as I did — that you’re glad you survived that day too.

Photo by Fineas Gavre on Unsplash

Originally published: June 21, 2019
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