What Grief Looks Like for Me Now, Two Years After My Daughter's Suicide

Two years have now passed since my daughter took her life. I stand still in the world changed, broken down, lost, scared and far from who I was before.

I still have days that cut right through my heart and bring me to my knees with grief. I hope I always will, as that grief is the place in my heart she holds. However, now I can look back on days and remember her life and the beauty she brought into this world.

The enjoyable days I have grown to appreciate. My daughter Butchie makes me laugh and makes me so proud of the things she is accomplishing. How I wish Brittany was still here to share in all of her successes and see the lovely young woman she is becoming before my eyes. It is still so hard to see her struggle with her grief and missing her sister. She is so damn strong, probably stronger than she ever should have to be.

There have been days I have wished over and over to join my daughter, not wanting to die but wanting nothing more than to be with her. The dark days have me wishing for anything that would end this pain of the life sentence without my daughter.

I’ve spent the time in grief wondering what I did wrong, what didn’t I do and how I failed her. There is something in my heart that makes me doubt so much. Although, my head keeps telling me I did everything possible, just as every parent questions choices we have to make. Her illness created a battle inside of her I can only imagine had to be far worse than this.

This world without her has changed me. Every day I try to hold onto hope. Some days it seems to be a fine thread that is very frayed, and others a thick rope to carry me across rough paths. All these tears I shed are making the armor I wear to take on the world stronger, but some days I wonder if I am just hiding behind it too.

I stand in this world a warrior, a very brokenhearted warrior with an armor of tears forging through the battle of living the rest of my life without my daughter.