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The Internal Struggle I Face as a Christian With Suicidal Thoughts

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It is the ultimate contradiction in my life.

Two truths exist in my mind and in my heart.

One tells me I’m loved, special and created in the image of something greater than myself. Another tells me I am useless, worthless and not even deserving of things like love in my heart or breath in my lungs.

One says that above all, nothing can separate me from the One who loves me. Another says the Divine has abandoned me, and was well justified in doing it.

One calls me home as a Prodigal Son, the other tells me to get lost and that I’m no longer welcome… anywhere.

One says the Creator made me special, and I was made for a purpose. Another tells me I was a mistake, a mishap, an oversight and have no purpose and never will.  

One tells me to put my burdens on someone much stronger to bear them. Another tells me that not only do I have burdens, but that I am a burden and many others would be better off without me.

One says I am broken, beyond hope. Another says I am never too far from grace.

When I look in the mirror, one says, “There is so much wrong here.” The other says, “There is so much to love here.”

One tells me to look to heaven for hope, the other says I’m not even worthy to get out of bed.

There is one truth and one lie here. It almost seems like they switch roles every day, every moment. In one breath, one is truth. In another, it’s the biggest lie I’ve ever heard. But in reality, there is only one that is always true, and one that is always a lie.

Faith, hope and love are the truth, but remembering that isn’t always so simple.

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or text “START” to 741-741.

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Unsplash photo via Ben White.

Originally published: September 26, 2017
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