When Chronic Pain Leads to Suicidal Thoughts: 'I Thought About Giving Up'
Editor's Note
If you experience suicidal thoughts or have lost someone to suicide, the following post could be potentially triggering. If you need support right now, you can call, text, or chat the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988, or text HOME to 741-741 to reach the Crisis Text Line if you are in the U.S. A list of crisis centers around the world can be found here.
I thought about giving up yesterday. For the first time I seriously was forced to think about it.
Words are tiny in comparison to the severity and otherworldly pain I am dealt. So so so many issues that require so much work in keeping my bones as together as possible, keeping my food down, pushing through the pain to do something simple that is necessity. Wants become such impossibilities.
I have handled 12 years of growing pain without medication, now at almost 27, I have spent 16 years — more than half of my life — in constant, unbearable pain.
I don’t consider the years before as much not because I had no pain, but because it was not quite constant, though dislocations were the norm for me. I just thought it was “normal.”
I have lost and given up so so so much in my life because of this horrible pain.
Only the past six years have been exceptionally traumatic simply because I never ever imagined that I would move past 10 years of my life so disabled, let alone the years following.
As time moves on, my body gets worse and worse. My bone pain has dramatically increased and my muscles, despite their constant harsh spasms, seem to be atrophying like they did when I hit 18. Except then it was because of disuse. This time it seems to be sped up for some reason that I can’t comprehend, but that I devastatingly am forced to deal with on my own.
These past two years — was it three maybe? My memory is so bad along with everything else. It is a very scary world where I forget where I am despite being in my bedroom that I have been in since we moved. Childhood friends, so dear, I can’t for the life of me remember their names or faces. Just a blank where I am sure I was suppose to have a fond name with wonderful fun memories attached.
Forgetting my own name, my age, the year, names of items that I use more than a few times a day. The things I use to dress myself, the things I read from, the place I have to have help to bathe and change clothes and brush my teeth, my hair.
It is constant and bad. It hurts so deeply when people say “well I forget things too.” Because you don’t. It takes a second for you to remember. I may never remember and haven’t, but the worst is the past few years.
The medical profession where I live now is so severely to blame in my huge jump into depression’s black hole. Having a darkening future adds to it. But it is the pain that is mostly at fault. It is so so bad.
Have you ever felt pain prickling, stinging, aching, sharp, dull, fierce, angry, and cold with so much power that each molecule in your body is screaming at the top of its lungs?
I have — often and constant. It is a hard, horrible way to live. The fact that I have survived this long speaks loudly to my parents goodness, a merciful loving God who reaches out back to me, my pets that count on me, good friends who send me gifts, soothing my love language of presents, and especially to my history with Danny.
He died from suicide at 15. He was my dear best friend. His fight with the darkness of depression I worked hard to extend. But I didn’t quite understand it. Now I do and it takes more than all of me to keep myself on a good path despite the pain that is so horrific I beg God to let the pain or me go.
But still my pain worsens. And doctors give up on me, 12 in the last two years. And my medications are taken away and still more pain that my body cruelly and viciously creates is revealed again as the medication that helped me starts to dissipate.
And that is how I know that I am meant to live this life with my horrible pain. I am much worse of a mess than I can describe and my parents know. I am so much work because I can’t do anything for myself anymore. But for some reason I am meant to reach out to others and let them know they are not alone. To reach out and pull others up even as I struggle to hold onto my own ladder and keep moving up. But still we must keep going.
This life should never be wasted. Danny has taught me that as I feel him cheering me on. I know the disappointment so many on the other side would feel if I really gave up and gave in.
I am only 27 and the future does scary me as I picture myself in such a troublesome body that worsens each week like clockwork. But that is why it is called faith.
We must endure! And so I shall, somehow, someway, with God holding me up the whole way.
Getty image by Irina Vikhliaeva
I have dealt with pain for 17-almost 18 years already, passing the half-my-life-with-pain mark now being 29. It started with me being born with twisted leg bones followed by discovering this at the age of 13 after pain in my knees from my twisted bones grinding on them. 2 years later I had waist down reconstruction surgery. The left surgery went well. The right surgery did NOT. Epidural didn’t work (later finding out it was because of my Ehlers Danlos Syndrome) and my nerves were rewired from the extreme pain via my bones being broken and twisted to straighten them. I was diagnosed with Amplified Musculoskeletal Pain Syndrome (AMPS) which was full body-extremely rare. I learned to ignore the pain so I could try and live a normal life, but it got so bad my hands no longer would work from the excruciating pain. I barely made it to graduation, failing my last quarter of school. Luckily my ranking was 4th so I still graduated with extreme pain and with help from others who had to write for me. Pretty quickly I was bed-bound and dreaming of hospitalization so I could have strong medication to ease my molecular deep ache. Severe Plantar Fasciitis kept me avoiding walking at many costs. Flash forward to 3 years later when I was miraculously healed over-night. I thought I was free and worked on gaining back all my muscles that were atrophied. But then my pain came back and began rising ever higher with many more complications taking over every bit of my body. I joined this site for freedom to express my struggle held deep inside for so long with a smile on my face and not even my family knowing what I went through. I never realized how glorious it was to be open and now I refuse to go back. My sense of peace demands to no longer have a fake smile on my face. I am now diagnosed with EDS, AMPS, Fibromyalgia, Hypothyroidism, Severe Insomnia, Asthma, Hypersomnia, Lymphedema, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, PTSD, Scoliosis, Sciatica, Bone and Shin Splints and recently promised that I will soon cross the line and be diagnosed with Juvenile Arthritis. It is SO freeing to know that the reason for all of my pain is because of my many overlapping diagnoses. I am currently working on filing for disability and have lost my dream of Interior Design to keep me warm. Also dealing with blisters covering my scalp and making it ridiculously tender with serious GERD and acid reflux problems due to the EDS. Constantly focusing on not throwing up each second is my new normal. Swallowing 10 times per first swallow is becoming habit. Psoriasis and Eczema now are hitting me harder than ever. I walk like a 96yr old woman and hurt so much worse. Only recently did my new rheumatologist pinpoint my last pain diagnoses as being Spine Arthritis, Psoriatic Arthritis, and RA. At long last I have found a home health company that save me pain and energy by coming to my house for appointments. It is ingenious and such a blessing! My new PCP is a brilliant and knowledgeable woman who actually cares for her patients! She wants us to live our best lives and works hard for it to be so. Thanks to her I now also have a pain doctor who CARES and is not afraid to help his patients live their most pain-free lives!!! He is SUCH a gem like her! It almost 18 years to find these blessed doctors. The biggest lesson I have learned is that my happiness is vital and if I have a doctor that isn't measuring up, drop them ASAP! Life is too short to suffer at the hands of others-especially when we are paying them to supposedly help us! It isn't worth it but YOU ARE! Finally in a place in my life where the future looks bright and I am excited for the challenges, as I know my health loves to constantly cause more pain and troubles like my Major Depressive Disorder, Psychosis, and Anxiety. I have been given a VERY complicated and Unique body that I choose to have as I know it better than anyone else. It is mine and we will learn to become a team though it may take a lifetime. I will never give up. No matter what I will fight on! Just as I have these long years, savoring each moment and smiling at each thing that lifts my burden a little. Life should be cherished, no matter how pain-filled. And with The Mighty at my ruined and failing finger-tips, I will carefully walk into the world with my shoulders back, face to the sun, and hope in my heart with a wish to lift a few fellow down-trodden. We got this!!!!
tierradrollinger23