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My Biggest Challenge as Someone With Chronic Suicidal Thoughts

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Editor’s note: If you experience suicidal thoughts, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741.

I live with chronic suicidal thoughts. At some point during every day the thoughts present themselves.

The biggest challenge with chronic thoughts is knowing when it is time to get myself to a hospital, and when to just cope my way through to the next day. I walk a very fine line between life and death on a daily basis. At any given moment I could rattle off multiple ways I could kill myself. From everything I have learned, the big warning sign to get immediate help is when you have a plan. Unfortunately, I always have a plan. So where does that leave me? It leaves me with a persistent fear of having that impulsive moment that ends it all. This fear has landed me in the hospital multiple times. I feel like I have become the “boy who cried wolf.” The problem is every single time it feels like the “wolf” is real to me. It is scary and frustrating when I really don’t know if today’s thoughts will lead to another attempt.

I have seen this frustration in both my prior psychiatrist and therapists when they involuntarily admit me to the hospital. I’m resistant to voluntarily go because I have been to the hospital so many times and everything turned out OK. I don’t want to waste everyone’s time. As professionals, they are not able to take a chance that everything will be OK like every other instance. Undoubtedly, they seemed upset they had to send me against my will.

My biggest fear is that I, or my providers, become complacent to my thoughts and I do attempt again. This time I may be successful. My life depends on living in a state of awareness and honesty of even the slightest shift in my thoughts.

I live one day at a time. Sometimes, one moment at a time. I have all the resources at my disposal 24/7. I still hold on to that small glimmer of hope that the thoughts will eventually go away. I use that hope to fight another day.

For anyone with suicidal thoughts, chronic or not: Grab onto that glimmer of hope and never let go. So far we have a 100 percent success rate at surviving life. That in itself makes us winners in this fight.

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or text “START” to 741-741.

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Originally published: March 7, 2017
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