What Keeps Me Safe When I Struggle With Suicidal Thoughts

Tonight I cried.

I’m so tired of struggling with suicidal thoughts and feelings.

I cried not for myself but for my children, my husband, my friends.

I cried because I can’t imagine not seeing my baby girl’s second birthday. I can’t imagine not being there for my son’s first day of middle school. I can’t imagine my husband as a single father. A widower.

I cried because my friends would miss me. They would wonder if there was more they could have done.

I cried because I can’t be fixed. The longer I struggle with this, the more I realize it.

The more helpless and overwhelmed I feel.

The more trapped I become.

Trapped because as dark and compelling as these thoughts are, I know my death would hurt those in my life. I know my children need their mother. I know my husband needs his wife. I battle a war in my mind — does my life do more damage? Or would my death do more damage?

For me, death would certainly be easier.

But then I’d never see my children grow up. The cycle of depression, abandonment, suicide as a viable option, would only be strengthened in their lives.

So I lie here, a war raging in my mind.

Life.

Death.

Life.

Death.

For tonight, I’m going to snuggle in to my daughter a little closer. Feel her sweet baby breath on my cheek. I’m going to hold my husband’s hand across the bed. I’m going to plan on waking up in the morning and making my son his favorite breakfast — Coco Wheaties.

Tonight, life wins.

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386 or text “START” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.

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Thinkstock photo via Creatas