To the Friend I Couldn’t Save From Suicide

Editor’s note: If you experience suicidal thoughts or have lost someone to suicide, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741.

One word. There is always one word on my mind when I think of you. Why couldn’t I have just said that one word to you? What if that one word I said would’ve made the world of difference and things would’ve turned out differently than they did? But that’s just the big ominous cloud of “what if’s” that has loomed over my head for the past year since you have been gone. I keep trying to run and run from that darkness, but when I feel like I’ve finally gotten ahead, it entraps me and I’m left gasping for air. Maybe that’s how you felt too, just before making that decision you can never take back.

Take back. Along with that one word I didn’t say, there are things I wish I could take back. There were words that spewed out of my mouth like bees out of a nest, encircling you and stinging until you bled. At the time, I wanted you to feel the pain I felt, not knowing that those wounds would never really heal. Then, I shut you out completely without warning.

Warning. Were there even any warning signs that revealed you needed help from someone? Maybe I would’ve noticed if I hadn’t shut you out completely. My logic at the time was that I was simply ripping the band-aid off quickly and as painful as it was — the pain would only last for a short time. You know that stupid saying that “you never truly can love another person until you love yourself?” As cliche as it sounds, it fit that situation perfectly. I knew that you weren’t right for me, but the feeling of unconditional love was my addiction.

Now I’m the one left to endure this pain that will last the rest of my lifetime. No matter how many times the scabs heal, they get ripped off and the warmth that is my blood seeps out of my skin. Each time, I’m struck with a wave that sucks the color and life out of my soul. I’m trapped in this loop for what seems like an eternity and I don’t have the power to break out of it. This is the affliction of my curse, otherwise known as living with a suicide. It’s been one year, three months and 11 days since I lost my chance forever to say that one word.

Sorry.

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386 or reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741.

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Thinkstock photo via JulieWimmerlin