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I Won’t Sit Here and Tell You Not to Kill Yourself

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I won’t sit here and tell you not to kill yourself. I won’t sit here and tell you that you aren’t miserable enough to end a life that is only causing you pain. I won’t sit here and tell you that your friends and family will miss you more than you will ever know. I won’t sit here and tell you that your feelings are dramatic and that your struggles aren’t worth what you’re thinking about.

I won’t tell you I would miss you more than my morning coffee. I won’t tell you I would cry more than I did when Marley died in “Marley and Me.” I won’t even tell you my heart would shatter into millions of pieces. I won’t give you 100 reasons to continue living. I won’t tell you that you are wanted and loved more than you ever will know. I won’t tell you these things, because you already know.

You are competent enough to know what taking your life means. You are smart enough to understand the impact you would have on the entire world. So, I won’t waste my breath giving you reasons not to die.

Instead, I’ll tell you this: I think about you every day. You are so intertwined with my life that I can’t picture it without you. And even if you died, you would still be in my life, you just wouldn’t be there. I would still laugh at our inside jokes and the movies we found funny. I would still be trapped within the memories we shared. The coffee shop we loved, the restaurants we visited. The clothes that you let me borrow. You wouldn’t be here, but I would.

I would be living my life with you, but not with you. Death doesn’t erase who you were. It doesn’t wipe away my memories. All it does is leave me remembering the times when you were here enjoying them with me.

So, I guess what I am trying to say is, don’t. I’m not saying you would be selfish if you did, because that would be selfish of me. I also won’t say you need to remember all the good times and look forward to the future, because I don’t know what future you’ll see. I’m not asking you to not kill yourself for me, I’m asking you to use me.

I’m asking you to call me when your dreams are keeping you captive on your bed. I’m asking you to tell me when the pain is so bad, you can’t even feel yourself inside your skin. I’m asking you to show me the immense pain you’re in, not so that I understand why you want to kill yourself, but so for at least in that moment, you aren’t the only one feeling it. I am asking you to bring me down with you, because I swear on my entire being that I will bring us back up.

I won’t sit here and give you a million and one reasons to stay with me.

However, I will sit here and beg for you to let me help you want to live.

Follow this journey at Writings by Renee.

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386 or reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741741.

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Getty image via Strekalova

Originally published: January 22, 2018
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