The Lies Depression Makes You Believe When You're Suicidal
Editor’s note: If you experience suicidal thoughts or have lost someone to suicide, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741.
I wanted to disappear. I didn’t want to face anything in life again. It was all too much. Life was too overwhelming. I felt I simply wasn’t made to be able to handle being alive. I was strong enough to make it before, but not now. Now is different.
Hope has to be a lie. Being positive and optimistic seems ridiculous.
My only truth was that dying was the only relief. It was the only solution. At the time, that was my truth — but I now know it’s the biggest lie I could ever believe.
Depression, of course, was a feeling of sadness, but the worst part for me was the numbness. Whether life was good or bad, I was numb to it all. I was numb to my own emotions. Even worse, I was numb to the emotions of those around me. Anytime I worked up the courage to talk about how I was feeling and my husband told me the truth, which was always the complete opposite of what I had just said, I was unable to believe him. He told me he would rather have me in his life — no matter how broken I may be — than not have me at all. But how? How could he possibly feel that way? I was a “burden.” Always was and always would be.
Everyone was better off without me. I felt I had nothing left to offer or give to anyone. How could I serve any purpose? I had no feelings besides negative ones. I had no energy to do anything, especially anything useful. I had no motivation to love others.
The problem with depression is that it is a liar. It twists your thoughts. Eventually the illogical becomes truth, and that is dangerous.
When I tried to end my life, I never thought about how it would affect my husband, my family, or my friends. It’s not that I was being selfish. It was quite the opposite. I didn’t want to hurt them any longer with my existence. I knew they would be sad, but they’d get over it, right? They would be OK knowing I was OK. If I wasn’t severely depressed, I might have been able to empathize with them and be able to understand how devastating losing me would be. Now I can imagine the guilt they would feel. In the depths of depression, I found empathy nearly impossible. Love seemed to be fake.
Understand this, if you are in the pits of depression, if you are suicidal, if any of the above spoke to you — depression is lying. Love is true. You are not a “burden.” You are needed and wanted. Even now, depression is probably telling you that isn’t true. Don’t listen. Relief is coming, and it is in life. Stay alive. I’m not lying to you. Recovery is slow, but eventually your mind can become your own again. You will survive. You will find yourself again.
Image via Thinkstock.
If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.
If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or text “START” to 741-741.
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