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For When Your Only Thought Is Suicide

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It won’t always be like this.

You won’t be permanently stuck in this hell, fighting with your own thoughts and losing. The fact that you’ve just taken that breath proves you’re more than this, you’re more than it. All it wants to do is knock you back over when you just got up, but you don’t have to let it.

You are making progress even though it doesn’t feel like it, and you are showing it  you won’t be beaten. Are you wearing clothes? That means you put them on. Do you have makeup on? You put that on. Are you drinking tea? You made that. You’re respiring, right? Your body is doing that.

In fact, your body is going to continue respiring because that thing in your head isn’t going to stop it.

I don’t know whether my writing is making any sense to you, whether that magnificent mind of yours is processing and listening to it, whether your absence of feeling is developing into a feeling of hope. I can’t force that to happen. All I want you to bear in mind now is that your heart — it beats 115,200+ times a day. Inside your delicate frame and under your paper-thin skin, your body is made up of atoms and particles that all consist in the universe. You are part of the universe. You belong here, alive, on Earth.

Your feet belong on this floor, your intelligence belongs in this existence and your brain holds millions of stories that deserve to be told.

I know you’re hurting, and I know you may even like that feeling, but you don’t need that feeling. You’re better off without it, trust me. I know you avoid doing things because you know they’re going to bring a lot of anxiety, but you don’t need to avoid doing those things, trust me. I know may you find it hard to cry because there is nothing there, but there will be something there eventually, trust me. I know every inch of thought being processed in your head is about how much you don’t want to be here, but that thought won’t last forever. This won’t be forever. Trust me.

I wrote this to myself when I was in a dark place with my depression. Some days are still dark, but I’m slowly learning this too shall pass, that brighter are days ahead. I’ve met some wonderful, courageous people throughout my ongoing battle with mental illness, and they inspire me to keep going every single day. They remind me that no matter how awful things are, there is always a way out and there is no shame in me taking medication to help with my recovery.

Just keep going.

Follow this journey on Catharsis.

If you or someone you know needs help, see our suicide prevention resources.

If you need support right now, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.

Originally published: June 13, 2016
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