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To My Younger Self: You Will Be So Glad You Chose Recovery

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A letter to my suicidal self:

Dear Veronica,

I know you are in a lot of pain, pain you feel no one else could possibly understand. You are tired, oh so tired. Tired of the depression, anxiety and panic attacks.

The eating disorder has tricked your mind into thinking you will only be happy if you lose more weight, and that being skinny is the only way people will think you are pretty. The depression says you are worthless and a failure. That is so far from the truth.

You feel you will never be free from your addiction to self-harm. It will take many attempts, but one day you will be able to resist the urge to harm yourself. You think the doctors do not listen. They just prescribe more pills and tell you things will get better. They tell you to give it time. You feel your time is up.

I promise you everyone is trying their best. They do care and they are listening. Your boyfriend loves you and would do anything to take your pain away. He is terrified you will end your life one night once he leaves. That is why he sleeps on the floor of your dorm room every night.

You need to be honest with everyone. You need to tell your mom and the doctors how you are truly feeling. When they ask if you are suicidal, you need to say yes. I know you are terrified, but things will only start to get better once you are honest with yourself and others.

I know you don’t want to be sent to the hospital. You think it will ruin your future, and you will be labeled as a “psycho.” That’s so far from the truth. You will go there more than once, but they will help you and give you a safe place to recover. I promise you things will get better.

It will not happen overnight. Recovery will be the hardest thing you will ever do. You will learn to be honest with your mom, and you will come to a point where you can share your story without shame and fear of judgement. In fact, you are still in recovery and fight every single day.

Some days you want to give up, but you now know you are stronger than the depression. The depression only has control over you if you give it the power. You will be so glad you chose recovery and reached out when you did. One day you will come to a point where you no longer feel your life is destined to end as a suicide.


Your future self

Image via Thinkstock.

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. You can reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741.

 If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder, you can call the National Eating Disorders Association Helpline at 1-800-931-2237.

Originally published: September 13, 2016
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