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To My Sons, From Your Father Who Attempted Suicide

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Editor’s note: If you experience suicidal thoughts or have lost someone to suicide, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741.

A couple of months ago, I tried to take my own life. All I remember is seeing black then light and a sense of floating. Then I heard the voices of my children saying, “Daddy.” Then darkness again.

I woke up in a hospital feeling like a truck hit me and I realized I was alive. All I wanted to do was see my kids. My first feeling was regret and I broke down in tears. I didn’t want to look anybody in the eye because I felt ashamed. I was mad at myself.

Hours turned into days and all I wanted to do was see my kids. See, I’ve been on the edge for the majority of my life. I’ve never understood my brain but it has tried to destroy me for years. I reached a point where the daily anxiety, depression and seizures were too much and I just wanted the pain to end. So I tried and ended up living. But sometimes not getting what we wanted is a blessing.

See, sometimes we fall, get dragged through the dirt only to rise up and realize why we’re alive. We all have purpose. We have people who love us. The people who love me the most are my sons. I don’t want them to lose the man they see as a hero. Their dad. Fatherhood has been and always will be my greatest blessing. I’ve never loved anything more than being a dad.

So why do I fight? I fight because I love my sons more than the stars in the universe. They love me and deserve to have me in their lives forever. My sons, I’m here on Earth because of you. I promise to keep fighting. I love you.

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or text “START” to 741-741.

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Photo via contributor

Originally published: February 3, 2018
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